Beautiful Disaster

THE CLUB NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN

2012-01-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am not going to make excuses of why it has been so long since my last post. It is what it is.

There are lots of things I could write about to catch you up with me, however, there is ONE that I need to get out. I need to talk about it because if I don’t, my heart may burst. I might crumble into a million tiny pieces where the wind will carry me away to a place I do not want to go.

I have wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. There are no words to describe the intense desire that I have felt, even more so after finding someone I wanted to have a baby with. And not just be a mommy – but to have the complete experience -from finding out you are pregnant, to morning sickness, fat days, baby movements, having the super-powers of creating a human – I have long desired all of these things.

I have spent the past 2 years, charting my cycle – home ovulation tests and writing down everything that could possibly matter (yes, there is more to it than that, but I am not going into every detail because that isn’t why I am writing.) – in hopes of making Boo and I mommies. When you start this process, you are excited and hopeful. You dream of all things babies. You imagine what it will be like to watch your belly swell, to feel that first butterfly feeling, to see your baby for the first time. You plan. You dream. You plan some more. And you chart, chart, chart.

Then the time comes to actually pick out your donor. You figure out what matters most to you – the color of his eyes? His hair? His ethnic background? What about his personality? Should we know him personally?? Or should we go through a bank of anonymous donors? You think about all of these things and so much more – you fret over them even. What is the best thing for your future child…and can you live with your decision?

And now for the moment that you have thought about for years…your first try. Whether at home or in a doctor’s office, you lay there for what seems like ages, wondering if your body will make this easy on you and let this be your one and only try. You focus and meditate on all things fertile!

This is what I did on December 19th. I don’t want to discuss the details of our donor or even our first try –especially our first try. It was a sacred moment to me. And that’s that.

For a little while – it’s the waiting game. EVERYTHING makes you think you are pregnant. Oh, the dogs are snuggling more – I must be pregnant. Oh, I am feeling extra edgy and emotional – I must be pregnant. Oh, my memory is lacking – I must be pregnant. And believe me when I say everything…smiles…it is a truly strange, but exciting, waiting game!! For most people, their waiting game is over when they a) start their next cycle or b) miss their next cycle. For me, it was completely different. For me, I didn’t get my answer until just a couple days ago. That’s right – it took 30 days for me to know for sure if my dream was coming true.

I knew something was wrong a little more than a week ago. After making a call to my doctor – and her bringing me in that same day for an emergency appointment – blood work was done. Last night I got my results.

There are different clubs that no one wants to be in. I have been in one since I was 19 – The Miscarriage Club. Seems to me, that it is a club not discussed about often. Most people never tell their friends and family when they join it. They just silently join it –maybe along with their significant other – or maybe they do it completely alone as I did. The dues for this club are unfathomable heartache. The reward for this club is unimaginable strength.

Last night I joined a second club. The Fertility Nightmare Club. There are different levels and spectrums in this club. Some people in it are completely infertile with no hope of ever producing a child. Some still have hope, however they will need medications and even then, there is no promise of a future pregnancy. Some – like me – don’t have all the answers yet. They don’t have their options laid in front of them just yet. They are clinging to the foreign words being spoken to them – need more tests, supplements and prescriptions with side effects, wait and see. In one ear and out the other, these words dance atop the dreams and marriages of their shell shocked recipients. They enter this hellish club only knowing that their own bodies have placed them there.

I feel as if my body has betrayed me. As if the very essence of who I am – of who I thought I was – is disappearing. Yes, I still have hope, at least right now. There are still more tests to do before I find out exactly what can be done. But it doesn’t change the fear that has engulfed my entire being. There are so many questions swirling in my head and around my heart. How many more tests are in my future? What kind of emotional, physical, and financial road is just around the bend?

Sure I can always adopt. Heck, I want to regardless –someday. But that isn’t the point. The point is that as a woman, I was designed to produce and grow a human being – and I feel - broken. The point is that my entire life I have dreamed of the experience – and I feel – let down.

If I can only get through the next few weeks to the next round of tests... If I can hold on to reality for just this moment… If I can move past the shock and fear and anger… Then I can breathe easier. I can have the answers that I am aching to know.

Until then, I am in this confining, space…

It isn’t fair this club I am in.

Falling in love....with beauty

2011-06-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, we went on vacation to Boo’s childhood home to the great state of Illinois. It was fun. It was relaxing. It was tranquil. But most of all, it left me wishing to wake up to such beautifulness for the rest of my life. You see, every day last week, I woke up, sat down at the kitchen table with Boo and my Mother In Love over coffee, and then Boo and I would walk down the lane towards the road with the pups. Sometimes we’d walk around the yard area, or even down the street…but at all times I was in awe of the beauty that surrounded me. Maybe you can understand why with this picture…

The week was marvelous and went by way too fast. I met Boo’s father and brother for the first time. I love them both. I saw the elemtary and the high school that Boo attended. The softball fields that she played many a game at. The lake. The “big town” with the whopping 2 stores we went shopping at.

I saw and took in as much as one human possibly can. And I cried when we left – we both did.

I cried for many reasons – leaving a family that I truly love from the depths of my soul; seeing my strong, beautiful wife cry while hugging her momma; leaving such beauty and wonder behind.

It was hard to leave. And its been even harder to stay. I have been so grumpy at work this week! And shouldn’t it be just the opposite? Shouldn’t I come back from vacation relaxed and rejuvenated? Instead I am grungingly getting out of bed to a job that I dread. That week of pure bliss has me aching to walk out my front door and put my toes on the cool wet grass. To swing from a tree with the wind kissing my face. To share a cup of coffee with my love while the rest of the house sleeps. To have a glass of wine on the front porch while watching the fireflies dance across the fields. To gaze at the majesty of the sunset without buildings in the way.

This city girl has always enjoyed the country…loved it even. But last week, I fell IN love with it. The atmosphere is totally different. People are kind. Complete strangers wave and say hello; they ask you how you are and really want to know your answer. No one is rushing around from meeting to meeting, instead they are appreciating the moment – even if it makes them late. It’s beautiful really.

I’m trying. I truly am trying to make the best of where we are in life. I am also hoping to make a change in the near future. Boo and I have talked multiple times about moving closer to her family, but never to seriously. Maybe it’s time to get serious….

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled.
The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over
and let the beautiful stuff out. - Ray Bradbury

So, the new job...

2011-06-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

So those of you that follow me on twitter, know that back in December I started a new job. To catch the rest of you up, last June, I was promoted at my old job from a teller to a personal banker and thought that my promotion would make up for all the things I was beginning to loathe there. Long story short, through some networking, this job opportunity pretty much fell in my lap. Not only am I only a personal banker (unless an extreme emergency came up) but I am only 10 minutes from home versus the 45 minutes on a good day. I haven’t lived this close to work since I was in high school and the 2 years after that!!! It’s…wonderful. I am still learning the different personalities as there are 34 employees at my location and although I have 1 supervisor, it turns out I have about 10 chiefs. Ugh. That can make for a very interesting environment to say the least. I manage; after all I have a pretty strong personality, at least I do in a professional setting.

I do however get very frustrated with one officer in particular. To the point that, when I see her coming, I cringe. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to give me what I need for accounts. For instance, every week, I go through my Pending File of accounts that I have opened, but that are not complete. Maybe I am still waiting on the Signature Card to be signed, or Corporate Resolution, or a copy of a Drivers Lisence…whatever the case may be. First, let me say, that as a personal banker we are told over and over to follow the rules, regulations, and guidelines provided to us by not just the bank but by FDIC as well. Rules that if broken, can mean a write up, or worse. Anytime I have something in my Pending File, it means that I have broken one of those rules and the officer on the account has signed off on it.

Today, I did my follow up emails – all to this one particular officer. On one account alone, it was my 8th follow up email. That means that I waited at least 2 weeks after the account was placed in Pending before ever following up – making it 2 ½ months later and I still have an incomplete account. It’s bad enough that I have to know this, that my boss has to know this, that the VP of New Accounts has to know, or that our back office new account have to know, BUT there is a report that goes out every week that lists every personal banker’s exceptions – so now every personal banker and supervisor see that I have outstanding paperwork as well! I am sooooo not okay with this.

What really gets me about this officer – we’ll call her TaTa – is that she NEVER even gives me the respect of a reply email. NEVER. No phone call, no quick conversation letting me know she’s working on it, no acknowledgement that she has even read the email in the first place. It’s aggravating. It’s rude. It’s unprofessional. It’s irritating. She is over 40 years old and I feel like I have to treat her like a 5 year old for her to just do her job. I’ve gotten smart though. I CC my boss in on every follow up email so that she knows that I am doing something about it. I also CC TaTa’s assistant in on everything so that he can ‘help her remember’ to get it done. The truth is, they have both told me that she just delete’s my emails without reading them because she doesn’t think it will be important. Geeze. Thanks for that. It’s nice to know you appreciate all the hard work I do for you customers. SMH.

So the new job. I love it. But I have my moments. Sometimes I wonder if I would be happier in a completely different industry all together. Then again, your happiness is what you make it. I love my co-workers. All the great ones make up for the couple of bad apples. And for all the times that I feel used and unappreciated, there are so many more that my hard work is applauded and awarded. I mean I just had my first review after just 5 months and not only was it a great one but I already got a raise! It felt so good knowing that I got a 2% raise after just 5 months when some people got less after years of being here.

I’m still not sure if this is where I want to retire from some day, or if this is even what I want to do for the rest of my life. But, for now, I’m happy with my choice to come be a part of the team, to be a part of the family here.

And with that, I leave you with this….

"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."
– Frank Herbert

The Price We Pay

2011-05-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, I wrote about those negative tapes we play in our heads telling us every nasty thing we’ve been called. Today’s post goes along those lines. This subject is very important to me. I was a bullied child and teenager that grew into a confident lacking, self-esteem lacking, wall flower adult. As I’m sure you know, I am no longer any of those things. Well, I am a bit of a wall flower, but only until I get comfortable in my surroundings, then you can’t shut me up!

Boo and I have a very good friend that had weight loss surgery the end of last year. To me, M was a beautiful, carefree, rockin hair chick. She was the party girl. The uber fun and also very understanding girl that I was blessed to meet through Boo. I considered her a good friend. In fact, she’s one of the few that I really felt comfortable hanging out with without Boo around. She wasn’t just Boo’s friend anymore, she had become mine too.

After the surgery, which was very hard on her body and had some complications, M was 10 times all those things I just said. She was still her, but she was a happier her. She started losing weight quickly. Every time we got together (Sunday morning breakfast ‘club’ rocks my face!), I was in awe of her. You could see the confidence in her eyes. You could see her almost dancing as she walked. She couldn’t remember the last time she was that size – and she wasn’t even anywhere NEAR her weight loss goal. She started dating a couple of men, and was eating up the attention that she had craved for so long. She DESERVED every minute a man doted on her. M was getting the life she wanted. She still had far to go, however, she was well on her way to being free from the chains of obesity.

M has been in the hospital more times than not since that surgery. Her body, her doctor, and yes even her actions have not been joining as one in getting her healthy. It’s been just as heartbreaking as it has been joyful to see. Joyful for her accomplishments and heartbreaking because M, who has no insurance and who’s mom took out a loan to help pay for the surgery, will never have the life she dreamed of. She will never have the life she thought this surgery would give her. She’s never been in the hospital less than a month since the original surgery. It’s been one complication after another, leaving her more in debt and her body fighting for its life. This latest complication has been the worst. She’s been in the hospital since the day after Easter, leaving Easter the last time she’s been able to actually eat. They found a grapefruit size abscess on her stomach that they were able to – mostly – remove. BUT they also found multiple holes in her stomach. Last Wednesday, they went in to try to “clothespin” all the tiny little holes, but there were far too many. Yet another unsuccessful surgery for M.

The new sign on her door reads, “family only”, but we have heard that they will have to remove her stomach and reroute her intestines – a dangerous surgery yet again. Had they done the surgery last week while she was in the operating room, she would have bled to death.

M, who only wanted to feel beautiful and healthy, will never be the same. Her life is forever changed. When we visited our sweet friend last week, we left with an ache in our hearts. Her skin was ashen. Her mind in lala land with all the drugs she was on. Her body almost half the size it was just 2 months ago. While she is being IV fed, she has still lost too much weight too fast. And now, she enters a world of unknowns.

Is this the price we pay for wanting to be what society tells us we should be? For wanting to feel beautiful? For needing to be thin? Diet pills and weight loss surgeries have become the norm; the ‘easy’ way to be a size four. M has paid the price, and I pray it won’t be the ultimate one. Is it worth it all? I do not know…that is for M to answer. M thought this surgery would make her beautiful; the sad part is she was one of the most beautiful women I have ever met, before the surgery. No matter what happens to her worn out body, M will always be just as beautiful to me as she was the day we met.

When we come to understand that who we are is what is on the inside and not the outside, then we can begin to heal.

Realize Just How Great You Are

2011-05-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
– Mark Twain

On my journey to a healthier (and slimmer) me, this one hits home. I can think of other areas of my life – particularly in my past – where I wish I had listened more to the really great people and less to the really small people. But since finding a healthier me is at the forefront of my mind these days, it really spoke to me.

As a child, I struggled with my weight as well as eating disorders. I grew up in a ‘take-out’ home, so when I became an adult, I found it much easier to go through a drive thru than to teach myself even the basics around the kitchen. I remember quite vividly, being told by my dad that I was going to end up fat just like my mom and sisters, all the while shoveling greasy, fattening foods into his own mouth. Daddy was supposed to love me and uplift me, and instead, belittled me - and our family.

When I started this journey to a healthier me 8 weeks ago, I didn’t really believe I could do it. Oh I wanted to!! I wanted to so bad I could almost, well, taste it. But that ambition seemed so…far out to me. I had to take a step back from my thoughts and fears and remember this quote. I had to think about the uplifting and encouraging words of Boo and our friends. Because those great people are who keep me grounded.

It would be all too easy to listen to Daddy’s voice in the back of my head. Heck, there’s more than Daddy’s voice in there. Bullies, teachers, ‘friends’, trusted adults from my childhood…..so many people that planted so much self-hatred and a very skewed view of myself that I almost didn’t make it to my twenties. When I was just 21, I made the choice to forgive those people; and, to let them go. It wasn’t easy. I had to seriously fight for confidence, pride, and self-love. But I came out on the other side as a warrior. As a survivor.

I feel that our teenagers, and adults even, are in a constant battle against themselves. We have been taught by our mothers, fathers, teachers, friends, and social media that men and women are supposed to look and act a certain way. If you are ‘different’, not matter what the reason, you are not lovable.

Those of us in the LGBTQ community know this all too well. If you are born as a female, society tells you to wear dresses and make up and high heels and to suck in your tummy and boost up your girls!! If you are born male, you should be athletic and macho and only drink beer and heaven forbid you enjoy musicals!! We are taught from a very young age to be this way; to be ladies and gentlemen. But what if we don’t feel normal conforming to societies norm? What then?

We could all share hundreds of stories of how we have been mistreated and belittled for being too femme or too butch or for being trans.

And sadly we could probably all share stories of being told we aren’t beautiful, or think enough, or good enough, or (insert your own hateful word here).

Today, I am thankful. I am thankful for the family and friends that I have surrounded myself with. I am thankful for the strength to let go and forgive those that tried to crush my spirit. I am thankful for the courage I mustered from deep within my soul to do something different for myself and for my wife. And I am thankful to be able to share, and to encourage you to do the same.

Who or what do you need to step back from? Maybe they, too, are in your past. Or maybe they sleep next to you every night. Take a moment and realize just how great you are!

And please, feel free to share in your comments your own experiences in letting go the small people, or maybe who or what you need to let go of…

I'm Alive!!

2011-05-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

There is so much that has happened in the last few months while I took an unplanned hiatus from Twitter and from my blog. But then, my fellow bloggers probably didn’t really notice since I haven’t exactly been very consistent with my writing. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted too, and it isn’t really that I didn’t have the time. And, quite frankly, it isn’t that I haven’t felt inspired. Because I have to all of the above. If I truly got to the bottom of the why, it would come down to a simple yet emotionally charged statement/question.

“Who on earth actually cares about what I have to say?”

Well, I do. And quite frankly, that’s all that really matters. You may not give two iotas about me or about my story, but if I care more about what you think of me instead of what I need, feel, or think, well then, I am only letting those stupid little tapes in my head win. You know the ones….the ones that tell you how horrible your writing is, that you are not worth it, etc. well, here is what I have to say to that little (really quite big and loud) voice – SHOVE IT!

Maybe you guys don’t care or maybe you do. All I DO know is how I feel after I write. And what I feel is truly what matters. And that’s all I have to say about that.

I have been keeping up with my fellow bloggers…and boy oh boy have you all had a lot going on!!

First, let me apologize for being a bad follower and not commenting when I wanted or when I should have. You each inspire me with your thoughts, your insight, your willingness to share your soul with all of us. Isn’t it funny how connected you can feel to someone you have never laid eyes on…at least not physically.

Second, I have missed you! I have found myself feeling secluded from those of you considered to be in my little LGBTQ circle. Not by your doing, mind you, it was my own. However, I realized how much I not only wanted to have my circle back, but needed it as well. There is something so easy about sharing and seeking advice from this wonderful group of all very different but very much the same people. As some of you know, I don’t really have many friends within the LBGTQ community in “real” life. I have a few, but have always wanted to have a great group of close friends within our community. And while I know that the few I do have, including some that are family, will always be there through thick or thin, they aren’t the kind I can call for a last minute coffee ‘date’. And that’s what I feel I have with all of you. Only instead of meeting over coffee, we meet over multiple states and the internets. ;o)

Third, I promise to try more. To get out of my blogging shell and write like I truly feel. To let you see the person that I see when I look in the mirror. Because, I KNOW she is worth knowing.

So, where do I being after being gone so long?? The new job? The new pup? The horrible habit I have begun again that I KNOW some of you are going to yell at me for? The dreaded weight gain after giving up the diet – I got to be the most I have ever weighed – and loathed myself for it? Or maybe the (go me!!) 16 pounds I have lost in going on 8 weeks with Weight Watchers? How about the nightmare of getting the phone call that mom had a heart attack and it didn’t look good? Like I said, so much has happened!! I promise to write about all of the above and then some. So as not to leave you hanging about mom, she lived through it (THANK GOD), but things went back to me not existing.

For now, I will leave you with this: "Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible." – St. Francis of Assisi

one year and 4 days

2011-02-07T17:51:00.000-08:00

dear mom,

can you believe 2010 is already over....hell that we are already in our second month of 2011??? time sure flies doesn't it. i am now officially in my late twenties (and you are 50!) when it seems like just yesterday that i was learning how to ride my bike without training wheels! do you remember that? i kept falling off and scraping up my legs and arms. you told me to stop and try again the next day every. single. time. but i wouldn't hear of it. i am sure that we went through an entire box of band-aids and at least one tube of neosporin, but by the end of that day i was doing it! i was riding my bike totally on my own! and i was beaming with pride. do you know what's so strange to me about that memory? i remember, very clearly, that you repeatedly asked me to stop. to give up. yes to try again another day...but. you told me to stop. i don't remember the look on your face when i rode that bike - band-aids and all- without training wheels; but i remember you telling me to give up. funny how are memories work huh.

that was many, many years ago now. and while some things changed between us over the years, i'm not so sure your belief in me - or lack thereof - ever did. i have more memories of you doubting me and my abilities, than of you truly praising me. and then, a few years ago when i came out to you, i was reminded once more, of your thoughts about me. we won't go into all that. its a chapter in my life that has been written and closed...and finally forgiven.

all of these things brought us to where we are today.

its been 1 year and 4 days since i have had a relationship with you. we've seen each other once at a wedding in which i avoided you at all costs. i remember thinking how old you and dad seemed. and i wondered if maybe....maybe i had something to do with that. you cornered me and like a frightened caged animal, my body became tense, desperately searching for an escape. you only wanted to make a scene in front of all of our friends. put on a show for them to 'prove your love'. smh. i am not sorry to say that most of those people knew the truth.

that you won't allow a daughter to be anything less than perfect...and in your small mindedness, a lesbian is far from perfect.

here's the thing mom. i am a woman. a friend. a banker. a niece. an aunt. a cousin. a sister. a granddaughter. a singer. a writer. a wife. a wanna be mom. a person. a lover. a fighter. a storyteller. a dreamer. a hippie. a business woman. a frugal shopper. a kid at heart. and...i just happen to be a lesbian. its just a part of me. and you made me this person mom. i came from your womb. you brought me up to be strong and courageous and to never ever take no for an answer from any man. to fight harder because i am a woman. and i do. i fight for the injustices of my fellow LGBTQ people. i fight for the opportunity to show people that we are just people like them. i show courage and strength and PRIDE in who i am at all times. and YOU instilled that in ME.

i can never understand how a 'godly' man and woman can turn their backs on their daughter. on their baby. i can never understand it period for ANYONE no matter their beliefs. but you have only made me stronger. more courageous. holidays were easier this past year. birthdays a little less painful. and the 1 year anniversary of one of the hardest days of my life, was just another day. well almost. i was thinking about the last time the three of us were together happily. and my heart began to hurt. and then, like a ray of sunshine, my mother in law sent me a text reminding me that i was loved and cared about by her - my other mom. for the first time, she referred to herself as my other mom. it brought tears to my eyes. it reminded me that i am not alone in this world. that i am loved immensely and that there are people out there that are willingly to stand in the gap the you, dad, and that side of the family have left. that my godly, faithful servant of christ, mother in law truly loves not only her daughter, but me as well.

i miss all of you and love all of you deeply. but i love myself enough to not be treated so poorly. i hope that you find grace, freedom, and above all love everyday. i wish you nothing but the best in all aspects of your life.

and i want you to know....i forgive you. everyday... i choose to forgive you.

love always,
your baby girl

dreaming of you

2010-11-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

you fell asleep with your hand on my bare back last night, as i lay on my side. i listened for your breathing to change and then your short little snores, before i let my self drift into my fantasy world. there, in my world, we were exactly where we were last night. only you didn't fall asleep. instead, you begin to kiss my left shoulder. slow and steady, without moving me, you kiss every inch of my neck, my shoulders, my sides...you softly caress every curve down my back with your lips until you reached my hips. i can feel your fingers whispering to my thighs as you continue around to my soft stomach that involuntarily jumps at your touch. your hot breath against my skin has me longing to feel your body against mine...to make our bodies one. but not yet. i want to relish in this sweet moment first. it feels like forever since we really took our time exploring each other's naked bodies instead of pawing and ripping at our clothes. i close my eyes willing myself not think about you noticing the 10 plus pounds i have put back on. and as if you can hear my thoughts, you are kissing my forehead, telling me i am beautiful. my eyes shoot open, and before i can respond your tongue is caressing mine with a new passion. i can feel the tears fall from the corners of my eyes. every feeling i have both physically and emotionally is just so intense. you lock eyes with me as your hand cups breast and then moves down to my most secret place. on their own, my legs move to allow you in. i can feel your fingers gently slide inside me, making my breath catch in my chest. without me even realizing you have moved, your tongue is suddenly licking at the wet, sweetness that your touch has brought on. it is not that i can no longer take it. i must have you. i much taste you. i must feel your hard clit. but as always you refuse to let me until you have devoured me. and so, i turn so that we can both enjoy the taste of each other. my orgasms are always bigger and harder when you are in my mouth and this time is no different. when we are both finished, we make slow, sweet, passionate love until the sun comes up.

i am unsure when i fell asleep myself last night...however i know what i dreamed of....and i am hoping for more of the same tonight...

See me as who I am...

2010-10-07T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have spent an hour getting ready; or maybe just 20 minutes. I have applied the perfect amount of dark purple and pink eyeshadow to give me that subtle, smokey eye look; or I have seemingly made it out of the house with no make up at all. I have blow dried and fixed my long, thick hair - preparing it carefully for the humidity of the Texas air; or I have thrown it up in a ponytail. I have selected the PERFECT pair of jeans....or skirt....that accentuates my long legs. I have definitely worn the perfect top to flatter my....well lets just say I look beautiful in today's outfit. I have thrown on smokin hot heals because nothing feels sexier than the perfect shoes; of course, sometimes simple is sexy and its a flip flop kind of day.

Regardless of what I am wearing, I am walking with my head held high - because even if you prefer flops over heals or make up over bare skin, there is no denying that confidence is sexy. And confidence is something I am full of. And yet, in the middle of the day, in a crowd of people, I have never felt more...alone. More...invisible.

(In)Visibility. Its an odd thing isn't it. I hate it. Sometimes I wonder if I look at you a certain way, will you know? Will you see through my exterior? How many times have you walked past me and not noticed? How many times have I wanted to shout, 'WE'RE THE SAME YOU AND I!! WE'RE THE SAME!' How many times have I wondered about your life? Where did you come from? What's your story?

I have this insane curiosity about your background you know. I do. Maybe its because in someways I feel like such a baby. Such a newbie. Maybe its because I long for camaraderie. I need to talk to people like me! I need to be able to share stories to people that can relate. To talk with others like me and like you, that know what it feels like to be ignored, to be looked at with hatred.

And, I would really love to talk with your wife. Because I am more like her than you. She understands me completely. She knows what it feels like.

What it feels like.....

What does being femme feel like? It feels like I am in a world with expectations set for me that I can never meet. It feels like having to make the decision every day, multiple times a day to correct someones verbiage about my family. I can choose to let them think I am married to a man...or I can speak truth to them about who my wife and I are. It feels like coming out. Every. Single. Day. And not just to the straight world. But to the LBGTQ community as well. I feel as though I should wear a T-Shirt that says 'YES I AM' every time I go to gayborhood without my wife.

Oh, but please, understand this. I LOVE being femme. I love who I am and embrace my sexuality. I finally accept myself and love myself 100%. I love being all dressed up and on my wife's arm. I love the way she looks at me when I first wake up - no make up and messy hair. I love that she loves my long hair...and my long legs. And that she would rather see me in short shorts than cargos. I love that she knows I need to pamper myself every once in awhile.

I love that who she is - a strong, label-hating, beautiful, fierce, confident, sexy *butch* - compliments who I am - a tender, label-embracing, curious, make up loving, beautiful *femme*.

I love who I am, I just wish you would see me as who I am - as a femme - because being (In)Vi sable, really just sucks.

I just couldn't make it work

2010-08-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday was my Aunt's birthday and birthday party. She has been 'married' (they actually haven't had a ceremony) to my Aunt for about 5 years now and while we had an instant connection, we have also grown close on a heart level as well. I feel like she hears me, she gets me, and I can talk to her about anything. Whether its embarrassing women issues, questions about sex, spirituality, my crazy jacked up childhood, or the everyday happenings, she truly gets me and if she doesn't understand personally, she still gets me. She never judges, always looks out for me, and has stepped in and said they would fill that parent void for me...wedding, babies, birthdays, holidays - where ever you would expect a parent to be cheering on their daughter - my 2 wonderful Aunts will be there...for me.

After a few margaritas for me and a few glasses of wine for her, we got chatty. As usual. In fact, at any get together we are both at, if there have been more than 2 drinks for each of us, you will probably find us smoking in a corner somewhere sharing our hearts. Its just what we do. We have shared many tears together, as well as laughs. But it seems that some of the most amazing tear sessions have happened between the two of us, and each time, it brings us closer.

Sunday was no different. Only this time, it wasn't just the two of us. Her sister was in town and so the 3 of us were chatting and somehow, my coming out experience came up. It was very cool to hear my Aunt's perspective - after all, it was her that I told before my blood Aunt. I think I was afraid. Of what I'm unsure. MK knew that I was trying to figure things out way back before L but to come out to her now? It was terrifying. But that's beside the point.

L said something at her party that has stuck with me. I felt like it was so perfect. So beautiful. She was talking to her sister about how I fought my truth for so long. That it was like a constant battle for me - an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. She placed her fingertips on my heart and said 'She just couldn't make it work.' How simple. How true. How...beautiful.

I just couldn't make it work. Her sister had this puzzled look on her face. And so I told her about growing up in a strict, conservative, angry but Christian home. How I had gone to Christian school and led worship at both school and church for many years. How nothing I was taught worked with how I felt and so I just couldn't make it work. And then I said something that just resonated with my entire being.

"And quite frankly, I had never seen a beautiful, femme, fashion-loving lesbian. My personal experience with lesbians were butch lesbians. I knew I didn't look or act butch UNLESS I was in the gayborhood. But I did that to let them know-I feel like you do!! What I felt for women and what I saw I should look and act like and what I was taught growing up were all so very different. it wasn't until L that I realized I could be a femme, beautiful, fashionista, high heel loving. BUTCH loving lesbian."

I had never thought of this before guys! SERIOUSLY!! When I went to the gay bars, I primarily saw butch women. I didn't have a femme to look up to. No one to tell me, hey, its okay if you don't like sports all that much, or know how to change a tire, or know the different screwdrivers. No one to tell me that I could love women and still wear a miniskirt and rockin pumps. And so, it was with my Aunt L's tender lovin care, guidance, and molding of me and watching her primp and accessorize, that brought me to this place I am now.

I love shoes, shopping, makeup, eyeshadows of all colors, jewelry and things that glitter. I love all these things and I love butch women too. I love their mysteriousness, their strength, their acceptance, their confidence, their pride, their tenderness. I love that they love me and all my girly things just as I love them and all their gentlemanly with a butch twist things.

It is amazing what you learn about yourself. I don't recall ever thinking about not seeing any femme women. It was just something that was. I learned a little bit about myself on Sunday. And I learned a little bit about Aunt L. She always knew, like I did, that I was different than my cousins. That we connected on a deeper level. She knew, but she never said anything. She let me come to my own understanding of myself. She has guided me to but never given me my answers. She loves me that much - to let me figure out this journey on my own. And you know what? Its been a pretty remarkable one - especially with Aunt L as my cheerleader.

'Close' ? I think not!

2010-08-10T08:06:00.000-07:00

The 2 previous posts have been an email conversation between myself and a male friend. Some of you have commented here, or sent me private messages about either his or my own response to him. This is the second and last message from him, as well as the conversation. I just had nothing left to say to him on the subject. Or maybe I was too upset to form words. After all, he still thinks we are 'close' on this issue. Pfft.

****,
Thanks for sharing this with me. We are a lot closer on this issue than you may think. It is said that the military is an across-the-board slice of America that includes all races, religions & walks of life. You are correct that some folks have a stereotype of gay people being pussies or flamers. In my opinion, most of the gay people I've known have been of above average intelligence & certainly not weak mentally or physically. My experience on physical ability has been very different from the common stereotype. A few years ago, I was at a party with an old girlfriend that was thrown by one of her coworkers who was a "flamer" & cross-dresser. I was talking with a guy who was a very masculine mail carrier & we were talking about cars & general guy stuff & really having fun. Suddenly, the flamer guy introduced me to the same guy I was talking with as his partner! Had I not been introduced to them as a couple, I would never had thought twice about his sexuality, as it didn't matter. I felt good about that situation because I didn't prejudge anyone. I never felt personally threatened by their sexuality. I picked **** as my TA not based upon how he acted or looked (I had a feeling he was gay), but based on the awards he was wearing on his jacket. I had no idea what they were, but I felt they must be significant or he wouldn't have been wearing them. I later found that I certainly made the very best choice!

(I am part of an organization, Pathways ( www.createagreatlife.org) , that is a lifestyle management seminar. This is how I met this friend. Some of the things we have both referred to - TA, Beans, Pathwaynians - is in reference to Pathways. I guess you could say we have our own language sometimes!)

Having been part of senior management in the Air Force, I view DADT as means of protection for both sides of the fence. Like you said, just because someone is gay, doesn't mean they can't pick up a gun & whip an enemy's ass! I would expect them to kick some butt. However, in every bunch of people, there are "known haters" & "unknown haters". It's the unknowns that everyone has to watch for & DADT helps with the unknowns. Here is my example: two soldiers are on the battlefield in the heat of the battle. Each one has to have the other's back so-to-speak (strength in numbers) or both of them could easily end up dead. Let's say one of those two soldiers was an "unknown hater". Do you really want to risk a life on the remote chance this hater will have the gay soldier's back? Statistically, he won't have his back & something bad will come to the gay soldier. Its too easy to have a "friendly fire" incident in a situation like that. If the "unknown hater" didn't know the other soldier's sexual preference, it never becomes an issue. In this case, what the "unknown hater doesn't know, never hurts anyone & everyone did their job & lives to tell the story another day.

As to not being able to speak about someone or something; having higher than a top secret clearance, I do know a little something about not being able to tell what I was doing or where I was at or not being able to communicate at all except for certain times. I knew that going in & accepted it as part of the deal. That's what makes the military work well. It's when someone begins to compromise the rules that bad things start to happen. Some of us have to take a "lifestyle polygraph" to help make sure we are not putting ourselves in a position where we could compromise ourselves & become venerable to others or to compromise National security with what we know or do. The bottom line is that in the military, everything is based on rank & "a-need-to-know" priority. Often too much info about someone is a bad thing & could ultimately hurt someone. Every military member is rated by a higher ranking military member. Even with job specific categories & built-in checks & balances there is still too much room for personal judgement whether that rater likes you or not. Again, that's the way the military functions & to give a rater that doesn't like you, controversial information about one's sexual preference, would open Pandora's Box. DADT doesn't stop all of this, but it certainly keeps it at bay.

If DADT is repealed, It will give the "unknown haters" freedom to attack gays & remain unknown. It will take a long, long time for all military members to become tolerant of gays in the military. DADT helps keep one's sexual orientation out of the picture & out of the intolerant's mind. It is a safety, that's all. At first, when DADT came out, I thought it was stupid, but as I rose in rank, I soon came to embrace it to help protect the gays I already knew were there & to keep those that "feel threatened" by a gay person of the same sex (like your bra strap lady) from feeling threatened because they never know the other persons orientation. I want you to feel free & unthreatened, but that just doesn't happen in the military overnight. It's not the perfect system, but it's one that has worked the best so far & is favored by the majority of military members. I find it interesting that this subject has come up from & is being pushed from those outside of the military.

Hugs & Beans,
****

Well, Here's What I Think....

2010-08-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

I have received some replies about my last post and as promised, I am going to share my reply to my friend. I am doing this for 2 reasons: those of you that shared your thoughts on the matter were open and honest; and because, like G ( canihelpyousir.com ) I am working on being more vulnerable. I don't like discussing politics. I grew up in a strict, conservative, very opinionated home of Republicans. I am very free-spirited, down to earth, Liberal. So for me to voice my opinion....well lets just say it was already an angry home and I didn't need to add to it. So my whole life, politics, religion, sexuality....I have pretty much just kept to myself. Even with like-minded people because I don't like conflict of any kind...even friendly debates.

That being said....my first instinct is to tell you that if you don't agree with my thoughts or opinions keep it to yourself. But that defeats the whole purpose of being vulnerable. And if I am going to encourage others, like G, to trust my blogging friends and be open and raw and vulnerable...well then, shouldn't I do the same? So please, speak your mind. I look forward to hearing from you.....

****,

First let me thank you for sharing your perspective with me. And yes I do know that you are not against me, which, means a lot to me. It took me years to be okay with who I am...Pathways was merely the beginning of facing myself-my truth. So I have much love and respect for those that didn't change their view or opinion of me.

While I can't speak for all gay people in reference to DADT policies, I can speak for myself. I agree that there are certain physical and mental standards that military branches HAVE to maintain and uphold. I wouldn't want PeeWee Herman fighting for me, I would want Hulk Hogan. So I am in total agreement to that. However, just because someone is gay, it doesn't make them any less capable physically or mentally. While yes, there are some gay men that couldn't fight an 8 month old baby much less a 230lb man wielding a knife or gun, that is the stereotype that society has placed on gay men in general. That they are all 'fairies' that flaunt it and played dress up in their mom's closet as young boys. However, spend 1 hour in the gay area of Dallas and you will see much more than that stereotype. (Let me just say I am not saying this is your belief...I am solely expressing my opinion on the topic at hand.) Whether a man or woman, what does physical capabilities have to do with sexuality? That is all I am saying.

As far as mental standards, well really I would ask the same thing. One of the biggest issues in every day life I hear gay people discuss, is when straight people of the same sex automatically assume that we're interested in them or checking them out. This is a ridiculous thought to me. I have had female (ex)friends/coworkers make assumptions like that to me.
EX: I once informed a coworker her bra was peeking out of her blouse. She made it very clear that she was not gay and didn't appreciate me checking her out and staring at her breasts. I was taken back because I was only walking by and saying hello and couldn't believe that no one else had told her! I mean it wasn't just her strap!! But more than that, I was hurt and humiliated. Not too mention...just because I like women does not mean that I check every single one out...please Get over yourself!

Anyway, my point is that if a straight man or woman feels the need to express themselves the way my coworker did or thinks the way she does, well, quite frankly, I don't think they are mentally stable in the first place! AND...I don't believe that gay people are any less mentally apt than straight people. Some of my friends would actually argue that we are more mentally capable in some aspects. We have to go through so much mentally and emotionally just because of who we fall in love with. Harassment, beatings, unemployment, housing issues...the list goes on. We already know how to deal with conflict and danger because we do that already everyday here in the areas we live and work and buy groceries.

I don't think that people want DADT out because they want to tell everyone that their gay or flaunt their sexuality in front of everyone. Some people say that I do that. But those people only see me on Facebook. And I use FB as an outlet to get the word out about acceptance, tolerance, and equality among many other things. I have lots of friends...so why not encourage them to be aware and to help where they can. In my everyday life, I don't tell every single person I meet that 'HEY I'M A BIG 'OLE LESBO!!!' In fact, many people in my every day life do not know just because they haven't asked. I'm not hiding it they just haven't taken the time to get to really know me. And I think that's really what most people want...military or not. Not to feel like they have to hide who they love so that theres no negative consequences. To have negative consequences on something so beautiful - love - is ridiculous. I work in a very conservative cooperate office. Not everyone knows but even if I wanted to tell them, I have been told not to discuss my personal life while at work. Now to put that into perspective- I spend 40+ hours a week in a building where I have been told not to speak about ****, or anything that could involve her. 40+ hours. A week. Not when someone notices that I now where a ring on my left hand and asks me about it. Not when someone asks what I did over the weekend. Not when the holidays roll around and everyone is talking about their plans. Not when someone asks if my 'husband and I have children'...not even then. So imagine walking into work every single day knowing that if you are overheard talking about your wife, you could be punished-either written up or fired. You can't disclose to a friendly co-worker that you are having to take her to doctor appointments or that she surprised you with your favorite meal. Nothing without fear of retribution. Now, being that you were military...imagine those same restrictions while you are fighting on the front lines. And you aren't just fighting for yourself and your fellow military buddies. You are fighting for the people that told you that your wife, she isn't allowed to be discussed... or you will be fired. Yes, there are gays that know this when they enlist. And yes, they CHOOSE to enlist in spite of DADT. However, because they made the choice...the sacrifice to defend this country, does that mean they do not deserve the same rights as the straight men and women they serve with?

Please know that I hear and understand every one of your points. And again, I thank you that you shared with me...and shared so respectfully. In fact, you are the first person that I actually responded to in political differences - especially when it comes to Equality debates. I never discuss politics or religion with anyone! My apologies for the length and for this probably being all over the page. I am at work and had many interruptions while trying to respond. My opinion, is that sometimes, just because the system seemingly works, doesn't mean its the right one. I think we have seen this proven over and over and over in many situations.

Hugs and Beans,
****

So what do you think?

2010-08-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

Last week, I mentioned on Twitter, that a friend of mine had sent me a private message on Facebook about DADT. Now I am not normally inclined to discuss anything about politics or religion with most people....especially politics. And really, its not something Boo and I discuss very often. As in I can count on one hand how many times we have and still have more than one finger not counted!

Anyways, a little backstory...said friend told about his military background and length of service and then went on to say why is in FAVOR of DADT. He sent this message after seeing me post about the subject a few times. I would like to share with you what he wrote. What are your thoughts, feelings, opnions on his message?? Maybe I will even post my reply at a later date....along with the second email he sent me.....

Hey ****!

I'm sure you know that I am not against you & your lifestyle by now as some Pathwanians have been. I noticed your posting about repealing the DoD policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". From my perspective, having spent nearly 28 yrs. in the Air Force before retiring in 2008, I feel "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was a great policy that both kept the cohesion of the military together & it protected the gays that we all know are in the military. I can't speak for other branches of the service, just my own experience in the USAF. When Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Colin Powell made this policy, he weighed both sides & made the best decision that would benefit both sides.

I knew there were both male & female gays in the AF, but I didn't care as long as they kept their lifestyle to themselves & didn't share it with me. My feeling is that if someone does their job well, I couldn't care less what they do in the bedroom as long as it doesn't effect National security issues.

The beef I have with the repeal of this policy is the military is not an open club for just anyone to join. They have both physical & mental standards that are there for a reason due to the nature of the duties they are required to perform. In all my yrs., I never once saw anyone on a "witch hunt" for gays. The last statistics I saw was there was less than 1% of all discharges were because someone was gay! That's an incredibly small number considering there are more than 300,000 military members. No other statistic even comes close! There are many folks that do not want gays in the military, but "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" protected them from these predators. If we were to open this up completely, there would be chaos among the ranks. Some will say that they are tired of "living in the closet" & I understand that, but again, the military has a very unique job to do & it's not made for everyone to join just because they want to. In a close military environment, we don't want or need to know someone's sexual preference.

My position on this issue is to keep the system that is working so everyone gets along & no one is allowed to single someone out because of their sexual preferance. This is especially true whenever it comes time for evaluations of the troops. There is too much room for favoritism & discrimination to have it any other way. That's my opinion in a nutshell & you are certainly still my friend!
Hugs & Beans,
*****

Turnin' Up The Dial

2010-06-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks there has been an energy shift in our house. Boo and I both feel it. Something is different....in a good way.

It has seemed that for the last few months our attitudes towards each other were, well, less than acceptable. We were fighting constantly, spewing anger, holding onto resentments, wreaking havoc on each other and our relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, she was tiptoeing around a selfish bitch. It wasn't pretty and it was tearing us down...and would eventually tear us apart. We both knew this. I'm not sure what about the last big fight got to us, however, its as if we decided we had too much to lose and just started to let things go and really live in our moment together.

A few days after the big fight, we headed for a weekend getaway to Galveston, Texas. It was spontaneous and spur of the moment. We made reservations at a hotel and were on the way in less than 2 hours. I had mentioned it to her earlier in the week...you know, after the time we had been having I thought it would be great for us to get away from the real world, have some fun, and nurture our relationship. And it was an a amazing time. We listened to each other. We talked and laughed and shared stories. It was a perfect time. And it was actually our first family trip...so now I have lots of special memories. We had so much fun that we have decided to make it to the beach more often. And I can't wait....

But, back to my point. The shift. I don't know what it is exactly. I was trying to explain it to Boo and the easiest way I can is that someone has turned up the dial. You know, like the volume dial on the radio? Its as if our relationship has its own dial and someone has cranked it up. We are more loving and courteous to each other. We are slower to anger and we are sharing with each other more. I realize that no relationship stays perfect and happy 24/7....but my hope is that we always acknowledge that we are the ones responsible for 'turning up the dial' and that we never stop trying to max out the volume....

Oh and because I've earned the braggin' rights.....turnin' up the dial in the relationship has definitely turned up the, um, intimacy dial as well....RAWR....

A letter to Dad for Father's Day

2010-06-19T08:38:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I had completely forgotten about Father's Day till just a week or so ago. If it weren't for the commercials on t.v. I probably wouldn't have realized it was this weekend until all my friends started posting on their Facebook about it....

Dear Daddy,

Yesterday was Father's Day and we still aren't speaking. Do you see the irony in this as I do? I mean, we've been through hell together, just the two of us against the world for so many years. We've been nurses together, friends, confidants, companions. We have made castles, forts, and underground bunkers with our bare hands and imagination. We have cried and we have laughed. We have seen dark times when no ending was in sight and yet we smiled, because we had each other.

Now, there is nothing but noiseless space between us. The laughter has ended. The once strong, gentle hand I reached for for comfort, is gone. I find irony in this. We survived the unsurvivable, and yet, you can't get past my sexuality.... You have forgiven Mom for so much, but can't let this go. Its a really sad irony, Daddy.

I heard a song on the radio this morning. One we've danced to in the stillness of the living room. One I used to sing to you. You would turn and smile at me, your eyes sparkling, and I would say, "Daddy, you are going to dance with me to this on my wedding day." And you would say "Well just don't grow up too fast, okay?" I'd laugh because I had grown up fast already and we both knew it.

For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair

As I listened this morning, so many memories sprang to the forefront. It was if I was watching an old video play in place of the street ahead of me. Tears sprang to my eyes and I was thankful for the make-up bag I had thrown in my purse this morning.

Walk beside the pony Daddy, its my first ride
I know the cake looks funny Daddy, but I sure tried

My hands felt numb. My heart ached. My fingers turned white as I gripped the wheel, holding onto....my sanity. In that moment, I longed to be sitting on the park bench with your arms around me...like it used to be. I longed to hear your soothing words as you stroked my hair. I longed to be Daddy's little girl again.

Oh with all that I've done wrong, I must of done something right
To deserve a hug every morning, and Butterfly Kisses at night

I missed you today. And there was a moment yesterday when Boo asked if I had heard from you or mom. I quickly answered no and that I didn't want to talk about it. She knows though. She knows I was a Daddy's girl...and that my heart ached for you. We had a wonderful day with our family. I hear your Father's day was anything but. I like to think that it was because of me. I mean I am sorry it was bad, but, then again.....

I miss you Daddy. Maybe one day you will spend your Father's Day fishing with Boo or playing golf with her. I like to think that there's still hope. You would love her just as much as I do... she would do all the things with you that Jeremy would have had he lived. I wish you could see that....I wish you could see that we are just people....that we love each other just as you love mom. And that its... okay.

Love,
Daddy's Little Girl

a letter to mom on mother's day

2010-05-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

dear mom,

yesterday was mother's day.

it was the first mother's day that we didn't see each other, speak, or even text. it was the first mother's day that i was celebrated as a mommy, not just a mommy with a baby in heaven; the first mother's day that you were absent; and the first mother's day that i celebrated my..."mother-in-law". so many firsts and so many emotions...it was pretty exhausting!

i tried not to think too much about you though. tried not to give you too much energy that wasn't really deserved. you did your best when i was growing up although you are the first one to admit that cps should have taken me away. but we got through it. and somehow, through forgiveness and holding onto hope, a bond grew between us in my early twenties that was much stronger and deeper than any other shit we went through. funny how one little tiny fact about me can ruin that huh?

boo took me to breakfast to our favorite little diner. it was so good, mom. you would have liked it. when we got home, we took trevor trebue for a walk and enjoyed the crisp air. boo was ready to go do laundry but i just wanted to relax a bit so she let me just watch a movie for a bit. after the movie, we had to do our laundry. there's something about folding panties and boxers together that's...sexy...comfortable...home. i wonder if that's what it feels like for you and dad. we decided that we wanted to play together and made a plan to go to main event for some fun and games. i really wanted to bowl but by the time we got there, i could tell boo wasn't feelin it. and since it was her mother's day too, i suggested beer and video games which of course was right up her ally! she pretty much kicked my butt in EVERYTHING mom!!! well everything but basketball cause you know your baby girl kicks butt in basketball! after all that fun and excitement we were ready for some dinner so boo took me to my favorite sushi joint. it had been such a wonderful day...wonderful weekend really. we had laughed and played and loved all weekend. after about thirty minutes, boo asked what i had hoped she would just skip over. she asked how i was feelin on my first mother's day without you. i told her i was okay and as usual she called bullshit. so, i told her the truth. that i didn't want to talk about it because i didn't want to cry. and the truth is, i was already choking on my tears.

see the thing is, mom, as much as you have hurt me, belittled me and my family, judged myself and my family...you are still my mommy. you are still the one that stayed up for 48 hours straight with me in the hospital not knowing if i would live till the next hour when i was 14. you are the one that i taught how to 'booty dance' at my 21st birthday party. you are the one that i stayed up all night with on christmas eve in 2004, sipping cocoa by the tree, and talking at a heart level for the first time ever. you are the one that held me when both of my beautiful boys left this world. and you are the one that then went around to the trash cans to collect some fur of theirs for me to keep. you are the one that played piano for me and taught me how to sing. it was you who let me eat sugar toast in bed and ice cream for breakfast. you were the one that woke me up at 3 am to ask my forgiveness for never being a real mom; and then asking me to help you get help.

while it was you that i raised in a lot of ways, it was in doing so that i grew up to be who i am. to be such a strong, courageous woman. so yes, mom, i missed you yesterday. i missed bringing you flowers and a little gift. i missed going to your favorite restaurant with you. i missed hugging you and seeing your eyes sparkle. i do miss you mom. i do.

and i hope someday you come back to me. i hope you come back realizing that there are more important things in life than whether your daughter is gay or not. i hope...i hope that it won't be too late for us...for my family to know you and to trust you.

i miss you mommy. and i love you.

too tired to be strong

2010-04-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

the pain is excruciating. it grips me. i'm frozen where i sit. i go between numbness and a wandering mind. both are exhausting but one is paralyzing. i am afraid to feel too much. afraid it will be too much for me to handle. but then, maybe i already feel too much...after all, if i didn't feel so much i wouldn't be in so much pain. my eyes are heavy begging for sleep. but granting their request will not change the truth and if i sleep the nightmares will come. my heart is racing just at the possibilities...i can't help it. i hate and fear the unknown. i need to know what is going to happen. i need to know that everything will be okay. that one day i can look back on this as a growing experience. that some day soon everything will be back to normal. that the resentment... the anger will no longer reside in our home. i hate this limbo. i am sick to my stomach from it. i need peace and calm and resolve. my heart aches and i long to be emotionally and mentally absent. i am too tired to be strong right now. and so...i'm not...

Reflection

2010-04-08T15:22:00.000-07:00

When I look at her, I see her past.
I see the laugh lines surrounding her eyes. Ah, her laugh. Its warm and inviting. Its child-like and deep.
I see the life she's fought for. The life she holds firmly in her hand. That she defends with honor, dignity, grace, and beauty.
I see the child she once was. Her scraped knees and dirt covered face. Filled with wonder and curiousity about the giant world that surrounds her.

When I look at her, I see her in this present day.
I see a friend that would drop everything to help where she can. Someone that answers those 3am phone calls just to listen...or give advice.
I see confidence. She walks with her head held high and shoulders back at all times. People notice when she walks into a room.
I see a wise woman. She has learned from her mistakes. She has soaked in the knowledge given to her by others. And she passes on what she can.

When I look at her, I see my future.
I see my soulmate. My best friend. My confidant. The woman who knows my greatest fears, my deepest hurts, and my biggest dreams.
I see the mother of my children. I see her arms wrapped around me and our child as we celebrate all the many firsts that will come.
I see my lover. The only one that knows every inch of my body. The one that knows exactly where each nerve ending is...and which ones to kiss gently...or aggressively.

But when I look at her, mostly, I see the Reflection of my love in her. I see that the same love that pours out of me and into her, pours back into me as well. When I hurt, she hurts. When she is filled with joy, I am filled with joy.

We are a mere Reflection; a beautiful, magical, Reflection of each other.

Do you believe in ghosts?

2010-04-07T13:55:00.001-07:00

yes i do believe in ghosts and spirits...very much so. i have experienced them-one in particular numerous times. i believe that spirits are all around us and pretty much all times.

Ask me anything

Fearfully Afraid

2010-03-19T15:38:00.001-07:00

I was asked awhile back what my greatest fear is.

When I was a little girl my greatest fear was the dark. By age 8, my greatest fears were the dark and snakes. At age 10, my greatest fears were the dark, snakes, and never finding the father I had just learned about. At 14, my fears became bigger, deeper : the dark, snakes, never finding the father I learned about at 10 years old, and my mom trying to commit suicide...again. By my late teens, I was afraid of the dark, snakes, never finding the father I learned about at 10 years old, my mom trying to commit suicide again, and someone finding out my attraction to women.

Every year it seems that my fears grew...as they still do. I was a fearful child, teenager, and young adult. It hindered me in so many ways...so many areas of my life. In some way it still does. But I am overcoming...I have already overcome so much. True, I do sleep with a nightlight on, even now, in my late twenties. And yes, I am still deathly afraid of snakes. Even the ones on TV. Even, ones caged in glass...in fact, just thinking about them and talking about them here will probably give me nightmares tonight. (Thank god for my nightlight!)

But I still feel that I have let go of many fears. Or at least not allowed them to control me any longer. I am terrified of heights. So terrified that just going up a see through elevator one story I can't look and enjoy the scenery. BUT, I dream of sky diving. Of going up in a plane strapped to someone. Of jumping out, opening my arms, feeling the wind on my face, and screaming bloody murder. I dream of looking that fear in the face and saying, "FUCK YOU, I CAN DO THIS!!!!!" And one day, I will. I promise. Because I don't want to live in so much fear that it grips me. That it keeps me from doing something I dream of....something that I truly desire to do.

Because that, I have done. My senior year in high school, I was the worship band leader. (Yea, another dyke from a private Christian school.) I sang lead for pretty much everything and did most of the solos. It was fun. It was something that really made me....tick. I was passionate about singing...it was my dream. Without my knowledge, my choir director (who was also our worship band director) nominated me to get a tryout for this exclusive choir. It was difficult to get into, but the hardest part is just getting the tryout call back. To this day, I don't know what my director wrote in about me, but I got a call back. I was FLOORED. She told me everything about the choir. How it traveled all over the world and performed for all kinds of important people. AND, if you were in this choir you basically had an easy in to any performance college with some kind of scholarship. WHAT?! You are fucking shitting me!! The church I attended at the time, had a recording studio and my Choir director at the church hooked me up and did it all for free. I was so excited I couldn't stand it. And then...the fear sank in. The recording of me still sits in my keepsake box. I'm not sure whatever happened to the tryout packet I was sent. The deadline to receive a recording came and went and when asked about I always just shrugged my shoulders. Looking back I'm not sure what I was so afraid of. Probably the rejection...but really...I think I was afraid to succeed. I know, it sounds weird. But its the truth. To succeed meant to go travel afar and go to college and be someone. And sure I wanted to be someone, but I wasn't so sure who that someone was. I don't regret my decision, but I know that I missed out on a great opportunity. I made up for it though. I tried out for a small Baptist college choir in California that was holding auditions in this area. I was 21 and just wanted to know that I could do it. I could. And I did. I received a pretty good scholarship, but my dad was out of work at the time and it just wasn't financially possible. I remember my dad crying as he told me - he really wanted this for me. But I had done what I wanted to do. I didn't care about going back to college...I just had something to prove.

I am a pretty outspoken, in your face, doesn't take shit, stand up for the little people, defender of the weak kind of person. I always have been. My mom always said I had a knack taking in the underdog and protecting them. She said she always envisioned me as the mighty Eagle with wings outstretched shielding the baby birds from the harsh sun. And she's right. I am a protector...big time. Which, yes, can cause conflict in butch/femme relationships. I do however, still need protecting myself. There are certain situations where I freeze. Where fear grips me (or absolute shock) and I can't even speak.

For those that follow me on Twitter, you have heard my gripes of when men make vulgar, inappropriate comments to me while I'm at work. Like yesterday. A regular customer came in to get some cashiers checks and he was in a horrible mood. I joked and talked with him some and as he left I told him that I hoped his day got better. As I continued on with whatever I was doing on the computer, he said seeing me made it a better day. Aw, that was a nice thing to say. And then I looked up. He was staring at my tits and making a sucking face. My laughing immediately stopped, my face was red with embarrassment, my eyes HUGE, and my words...my words were trapped in my throat. If this was done to me anywhere else I would say or do something about it...and probably not politely. But being that it happened to me at work...where we are not protected or backed when correcting someone...I clam up. I am always afraid of offending the person, making them feel bad... Wait What!!?? Didn't they just publicly humiliate me? Didn't they just make me feel like I am 2 feet tall? And worse, didn't they just make me feel like I am only worth what I can offer them in the sack?? This isn't something new for me. Its something that happens almost everyday. Last night I thought the guy driving in the car next to me was going to break his neck at the red light! And sometimes, mainly at work, I am just so shocked and offended that I simply...do nothing. (Which only pisses me off more.)

Its situations like these that scare me the most. Not really at work although it does when I work late and walk out alone (I have found letters on my car before). But when I am out. Particularly with Boo. Most of the time, we are able to walk around with nothing more than a few stares and double takes. But sometimes, the stares become unnerving. And Boo...well lets just say that Boo doesn't care who can hear her or who is around, she WILL say something.
So, my greatest fear.....

I fear something happening...be it what my customer did to me yesterday, or a drunken fool talkin back to Boo....I fear things getting out of hand. I fear being raped again but this time because someone wants to "change" me. I fear Boo being hurt because of me on her arm. I fear that the stories I read about hate crimes, become stories of people I know and love.

But here's the thing. No matter what I fear or how much I fear it, I can't let it consume me. And I don't let it stop me. I don't care if we are in Hickville, USA, or Gaytown, USA I'm gonna hold her hand as long as we agree that it isn't going to get a us hurt. Hey I may believe that we should have the freedom to do so, but if Bubba and Joe Bob are starin us down, clinching their fists, I'm NOT stupid!

My point to this novel is this: Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's facing your fears head on. So while I am a fearfully afraid titty baby, I still put myself out there...even if its only baby steps sometimes. Because I want to be know as the girl that never gave up. The girl that, despite being scared of pretty much everything, chose to be courageous and go for it.

What was the happiest moment in your life?

2010-03-19T08:43:00.001-07:00

wow. i can't pick just one. but the first that comes to mind is coming out. weird i know since it was actually a pretty trying time. but it truly is the happiest. i am me...no matter what anyone else thinks or says and it feels absolutely amazing!

Ask me anything

If you could have been the author of any book, what would it have been?

2010-03-09T08:17:00.001-08:00

Well, I'd like to think I haven't missed that opportunity as of yet. I know I don't blog much, but I do enjoy writing anything from love stories to smut to randomness. I have written essays for fun and Boo is convinced that I will become a famous author one day. I laugh but I think its more of a nervous laugh. You see, Boo feels things. As in like a sixth sense sort of thing. She can read your energy and "hear" or feel the things that you are feeling. She has predicted ALL of her siblings babies' sex as well as our friends...and has been 100% everytime. She can sense things that some otehrs can't. So when I say I laugh nervously, its because while I do not believe in myself, not only does Boo believe in me, but she senses and feels something that I do not when it comes to my writing. I don't know what makes me more nervous, the thought that she can do this, or the thought of me being a writer....

Ask me anything

What's the one thing (or okay, the few things) you do that you feel truly brings out your femme energy?

2010-02-25T08:07:00.001-08:00

What's the one thing (or okay, the few things) you do that you feel truly brings out your femme energy?

The other day I was belching like crazy (oh I totally think bodily functions and noises are hysterical and have no shame to let them go) and Boo said I needed to start wearing dresses again to turn me back into a girl. We laughed but I also think there's some truth to it. Let me explain.

I was a tomboy growin up and still love some rough and tumble every now and then. I'm not the girl that freaks over a broken nail or chipped polished. And while it has taken years for me to get to this point, I no longer have to wear make up just to leave the house. However, I FEEL VERY different in a skirt and heels than I do in jeans and a tank of shorts and flip flops. Boo is a cutoffs, tie die, and preferably no shoes kinda woman. I am a skirt and heels or sun dress and flip flops kinds girl. So we tend to compromise on attire. BUT, nothing makes me feel sexier, prettier, more beautiful, more FEMME than being in a dress/skirt. I have legs for days and even though I'm not a huge fan of them, they still look good. I wanna show em off. So I think one of the ways I feel truly bring out my femme energy is the way I dress. And for those summer days when Boo prefers me in shorts instead of a sundress (which is the usual way she prefers me), I pair my cargo shorts with a sgetti strap. I guess thats my way to feel feminine when wearing shorts.

Thats the biggest thing I do...I think. But here's some more...without so much explanation. =o)

I'm a shopper...and a bargain shopper at that. And when I do I always look for sweet looks...dainty...feminine.
Make up...at work I wear minimal...really just powder and mascara. But..on the weekends when we go out, even if just to a friends, I always "put on my face". I feel pretty when I wear it all. I feel so girly. And when I feel girly...I act more girly.
I always cross my legs. Even in the car. I was taught in Grammar School (I had to take the class to model) that a lady always crosses her legs.

I am sure there are many things that bring out my femme energy whether I notice it or not.

Let me just say that I FEEL most femme when despite whatever it is I am doing or wearing or how I look, Boo says or does something that reminds me I am femme. Whether its as simple as telling me I am beautiful when I first wake up, or commenting on the way I smell when fresh out of the shower....its the way HER BUTCH energy compliments my own that really brings MY FEMME energy out.

Ask me anything

What made you fall in love with Boo?

2010-02-18T07:21:00.001-08:00

What made you fall in love with Boo? -from formspring.me

I love everything about Boo...yes, even when she is grumpy/bitchy/makin me crazy, I love that she can do that and still make me want to...ravage her. So I don't know that I can pinpoint something for you. But I do know that moment I realzied I was in love. I was at girls night talking about her to my friends. I was rambling and telling some story about her and I ended it with 'Goad I am so in love with her'. I then proceeded to freak out because I had no control over those words...or feelings. Neither Boo and I thought we were ready for a relationship when we first started dating. Hell we really weren't sure we wanted one. And then all of the sudden we were in one and in love?? Whoa...

But...she has every quality that I have ever wanted in a partner. She's my best friend and my soulmate. My biggest, loudest, cheerleader. Protector. Encourager. She's smart...no brilliant. Wise. Caring. Funny. Intellectual. Athletic. Sarcastic. Sweet. Sexy. Confident. Kind. Just when you think you know her, she totally throws you a curve ball. She is the person that sits and talks to the homeless man for hours, while everyone else crosses the street to pass him. She's the one that cried one day after leaving him, because she was so humbled by this man that CHOOSES to live on the streets. This man that doesn't do drugs or drink. This man that served our country and fought in wars. This Veteran that so many look at with disdain, my Boo looks at with love and admiration. This is the woman that I love.

She has jumped into freezing waters to save a puppy. Barely able to get her AND the puppy back up the steep sides of the creek - both of them soaking wet, tired, and going numb from the cold. This is the woman that I love.

The woman that stands up for what she believes and doesn't back down. The woman that compromises some things because the smile on my face is worth it to her. The woman that cares for, loves, and dotes on her puppy more than most people do their human children.

What made me fall in love her? Everything. Her heart. Her mind. The way she carries herself. The way she looks at me as if I am the only woman in the room. How we can go to a party with a bunch of women that I would kill to look like and then go back home and as I am washing my face and putting my pjs on, she comes up behind me, wraps her arms around me, and says, "I do believe I had the sexiest, most beautiful girl in that whole place."

How can you not fall in love with someone so amazing....

Ask me anything

Is Boo your first girlfriend?

2010-02-17T11:07:00.001-08:00

Is Boo your first girlfriend? -from formspring.me

I have avoided questions like these for some time. Mainly because if I get one more eye-roll, elbow nudge, or "loving" comment about "first girlfriends" I will puke on teh person and then stomp them into nothingness. That being said, yes she is my first girlfriend.

More so my first serious girlfriend (I had one in junior high but we never labeled it). I have dated women before but in my anti-gay, super Christian , Southern Baptist upbringing...I never dated anyone that knew anyone I did and never more than 3 dates. I refused. I made up excuses. I lied. But to be true to myself meant to burn in hell and lose every friend and family member I had. Not to mention be thrown out of school as I was a private school brat. At least I always thought these things would happen. And some did when I came out. So when I wasn't dating women (or even when I was) I was almost always dating a "good solid Christian boy" and wondering why nothing he could do could make me forget the night before. Even if nothing more than deep conversation happened with said woman, I couldn't get it out of my head. I almost moved to CO thinking the man I was dating could make me happy enough. Yet, every trip, I spent more time talking to my first ever crush (my older sisters best very butch friend) than talking to him. I realized I couldn't run anymore. I broke up with him and came out.

So yes, she's my frist GIRLFRIEND and really my first real love...and that's exactly how I love it.

Ask me anything

Cutting Communication

2010-02-08T06:27:00.001-08:00

I don't know the right or wrong way to end any relationship...let alone relationships with the people that raised you. My childhood wasn't all bad, but it wasn't a walk in the park either. In fact, I'm shocked CPS wasn't called on more than one occasion or that a family member didn't rip me out of there as fast as possible. But that's a whole other blog.

I have been talking about cutting ties with toxic people...especially my parents. And last week, I did just that. I sent them an email, and while I asked them not to contact me any further, I was still surprised that they didn't respond to my email. I was glad, but still surprised.

Since sending it, I have received a few emails from close family friends explaining my parents devastation - particularly my mom's. I have struggled with knowing this, however in the end, I know I made the best decision for myself...and for my family. Boo and I will probably be trying to have a baby sooner than we expected, and if I wouldn't allow my children around my parents, why would I go around them? Do I not deserve the same as my children?? Do I not deserve the best?? Well, of course I do!! So below, is the email I sent to them. Is it hard? Yes. Do I love them? Yes. But I deserve more....because I'm worth it....

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I was born into the family I was for a specific reason...or really, many reasons. I was raised to be strong, independent, courageous, and to have my own voice, beliefs, and mind. And I do. It really wasn't until Pathways that I learned how to use those things in a healthy way with everyone...not just a few people.

I make the choice, everyday, to surround myself with people that are encouraging, supportive, loving, accepting, uplifting, and positive. And I also choose to set healthy boundaries, and build healthy fences when I have to, to those that are not these things.

To stand up and say, "I deserve more. I am worth it. And I won't settle for less."

Dad, the other day you asked if I wanted a relationship. My answer is what child doesn't want a relationship with their Mommy and Daddy? Do I love you both? Absolutely.

However, you both have your own strong convictions of what you believe and will be around. I have been asked to not be myself, to pretend to be someone that I am not. I have been told that I seem to have expectations when I come to you, however, the only thing I have ever expected was to be loved and accepted by my parents unconditionally. And while I know that I am loved, I also know that I am not accepted. And neither is my family.

When I first came out to you, over a year ago, boundaries were set, which I do respect. I also told you that I have some of my own boundaries and that there would come a day when I would have enough of not being accepted.

Today is that day. Today is the day that I stand up and tell you that I deserve more. I am worth more. And I will no longer settle for less than. I have my own convictions as well. If I wouldn't want my children to be treated this way, why am I settling for it? My family and I, we deserve more.

You are my parents and I love you deeply. I always have and I always will. However, as sad as it is, our relationship has become toxic to me. It doesn't bring, joy, encouragement, support, or acceptance to my life, or to my family. And while I understand that you have your beliefs and convictions, I can't allow your negative remarks, actions, and implications about my beliefs and my life, into my life anymore. I have respected your boundaries and now I am asking you to respect mine. Please don't contact me in any way anymore. I will be removing you from all of my networking and I am asking you to respect that. I am asking you to love me enough to respect my wishes and the way I live my life.

Love always

Birthday and Christmas Fun

2010-01-25T09:20:00.001-08:00

So, being that my birthday is 2 days before Christmas, I sometimes do festive-ish things for my birthday. Well, really, I get a lot of festive things as birthday gifts but normally just do dinner with my friends. This year, I had a birthday dinner the weekend before for my birthday with some folks (those pics will be here too, as soon as my Aunt gets around to sending them to me!) and then for my actual birthday, Boo made us dinner and then Boo, Trevor Trebue and I loaded up for some Christmas light lookin! It was so much fun that we didn't even realize we had been drivin around for almost 3 hours...but then...my bladder was screaming at me so Boo decided it was time to call it a night (I refuse to use public bathrooms unless it is a real emergency). After seeing my disappointment of the evening being over, Boo let me in the house and told me to hurry up. I must have looked quite puzzled until I noticed her mischeiveous grin...that's right, my girl took us back out for more lights!

Our friends house (where the family cookout was)...she's an artist and did those signs herself!

I thought this leanin tree looked neat.

I loved these blue/purple lights...they looked amazing...and I don't even like colored lights!

For those of you that say I am beautiful...welcome to the side of me that Boo knows...not so beautiful!

Boo's favorite....the Charlie Brown Christmas!

On Christmas Eve...the snow and ice moved in to North Texas. And so, after work, this was my drive home....

I work 45 minutes from home....so it wasn't too much fun!!! Until I got home anyways!!

Once home, Boo and I loaded up with Trevor Trebue for our final Christmas shopping - PetSmart for Mr. Trebue! Then...because I am impatient and was sooo excited, we had Christmas that evening! We only did stockings as Boo doesn't celebrate Christmas and this was our compromise.

He got a new bone....

Its fuzzy...but growing up our tradition was if you got undergarments as a gift you had to put them on your head and get your picture taken....

...this is one tradition that must be carried on!!!

blurry...but he likes his new bone!!!

all of our goodies

we were both snappin pics of our loaded coffee table

Our lil tree

its snowin harder!

our cars in the snow

this just doesn't happen in this part of Texas

he got wore out!

teaching Trevor Trebue that the beads won't hurt him

watchin his momma

our stockings and all our greeting and aniversary cards....there was a ton of them!

mommy and son

Christmas day, we awoke to lots of snow....but since Boo was at work before the sun came up, Trevor Trebue and I enjoyed our snowy, lazy day together.....

yes, we have pink flamingos around our apartment....we will always have pink flamingos!

new Christmas sweater

morning walk in the snow...he has never seen snow so he was adorable to watch in it!

the woods next to our place...

don't judge...he hiked his leg as soon as I started taking it!

nap time

one of his fav places to sleep....behind my butt

sleepy eyes

he loves to burrow

crazy tracks...wtf is this animal

or this one

or these massive ones

seriously....wtf

I know these tracks....this is Mommy with her boy.....I love our mornings together...

Family Cookout!

2010-01-25T08:22:00.000-08:00

These are the people that Boo has considered family for sometime now. They all lived in this neighborhood at some point, growing their bond and having their infamous cookouts. Only one remains in the neighborhood...at least of those of us that still get together on a regular basis. Some have moved only minutes away, some on the other side of the metroplex, and one couple has moved back home to TN. So, when the out of state couple drove down to spend Halloween weekend with us...we got everyone together. These people are no longer just Boo's family...they are mine as well....and we are a lively bunch I tell ya....

This woman will be in the delivery room with me when Boo and I add another member to our family.

And this is her wonderful hubby....they will be our childs *grandparents*

Trevor Trebue is a runner so he has to be kenneled or on his leash at all times outdoors!

The lone ranger still in the old hood.

IL comes to TX

2010-01-25T07:41:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY took my camera memory card in and got a BUNCH of pictures put on a cd...I know I know...I've been talking about it on Twitter FOREVER! But I finally did it! And so now....I can share said pictures with ALL of you! YAY me!

So first I'll share...

IL comes to TX - Boo's Mom, Sis, and Brother-in-law come for a visit after 10 and 15 years of not seeing one another, respectively. (These are actually in reverse order of the activities we did that day....but I am NOT redoing them in order!!)

Boo's Niece (on the right) and her GF...they moved here in the Summer of '09!

She is so not the pink frilly type!

We sat in the first row (and he threw me a flower) at Medieval Times.

Boo's Momma and her niece.

BIL finally back from Iraq...her niece was so excited her daddy was home!

Daddy and daughter.

Mother and daughter.

Choices

2010-01-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

We make them every day. Good ones. Bad ones. Small ones. Big ones. Some have a lot of thought behind them. Others have none at all. Some may even change the course of our lives. We make choices every day, that we must then live with-good, bad, or indifferent.

When I made the choice to come out to my friends and family, despite losing some of those relationships, I felt good about myself. I felt good about my choice. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I continued down the road of lies and denial I was on.

It hurt to lose those friendships, but I also knew that it meant they weren't real friends to begin with. If they could only love me if I was (unhappily) with a man...then I didn't need them. It hurt to hear some of my relatives say what they did. It hurt to read their emails. And it has definitely hurt to feel the sting of rejection from those that are supposed to love me unconditionally.

Since the time that I have come out (at least to those around me frequently; because you know us femmes get labeled straight ALL.THE.TIME.), I have had to make some tough decisions for not only myself but for my family as well. You see, it isn't just me that I think about anymore. Now I have a partner and our little four-legged son. And one day in the next year or so, we will begin the journey of adding a two-legged son or daughter to the mix. So, when I make choices for what is best for me, I also think about what is in the best interest of my family.

Some of you know that I have been in the process of cutting the toxic people out of my life. Those friends and relatives that still come around ever so often, but never without something to do or say in judgement. Never without the look of disapproval. Never without the "I'm praying for you/for your healing/for you to see..." Never without changing the subject when Boo's name is mentioned. Basically, never without them leaving and me hating that I agreed to see or speak to them in the first place.

Boo, has to restrain herself from ripping the phone from my hand when my parents call and I actually answer. She wants so badly to record me when I am crying and curled up in a ball in her arms so that they can see what their words and actions cost. What they are pushing me to do. She wants to call them up or shoot them an email to tell them just exactly what she thinks of them and their "Christian" views and preach....I mean teachings. She doesn't because she loves me and doesn't want to cause me more heartache. But to tell you the truth, it would feel amazing to have someone other than myself try to get through to them. And even more amazing to have it be my love. She is my defender...my protector....and I know it hurts her when she feels helpless like that.

And so, I have made this decision. MY decision. One of the hardest ones I have ever made. But I know what is right for me; for my family. I didn't make it lightly. It wasn't something I did or said in anger. It has been something I have thought about, prayed about, meditated about, sought advice over, and begged and pleaded with The Powers That Be to either change the way things were, or give me a sign that this is what I needed to do. In coming to this choice, I thought about all aspects. My hurt, their hurt, and even how others will get hurt because we are mutual friends. But no matter how I looked at it, my sanity and joy outweighed it all. The bottom line is that I will not settle for less than I deserve or am worth, and damn it I deserve and am worth being surrounded by people that love ALL of me...and my family. And if I know that certain toxic people will be somewhere, I just won't go there.

Sadly, one of my closest, dearest friends doesn't understand this. Not too long before the holidays, she invited me to a get together...a special one....for her twin girls' 18th birthday. I knew my parents would be there and pondered my dilemma for some time. I kept going back and forth, weighing all the pros and cons...it was hard. This was someone that I truly love. Someone that has been there since day one. Someone that allowed her house to be the safe place I came to after leaving my parents when I told them I am a lesbian. Someone I told my secrets to and sought advice from (on this very subject in fact). But I knew that I couldn't be there if my parents were. I couldn't. Not for my sanity and my emotional health. And so I have felt subtle jabs from her since then. And then a couple of weekends ago, an eruption over a completely different matter. She wrote me an email the following Tuesday and the subject of the party was brought up. We met that night...and long story short, nothing was resolved. She left crying, hurt, angry, and her last words to me were 'When you are all alone, when Boo is gone, what friends will you have left?' I received that next morning saying that "for now" our friendship needs a break. That it was no longer bringing any joy to it and that she just couldn't understand where I was coming from and she believes that I don't understand where she is coming from. I was terribly heartbroken and sad. We got together almost every week with another woman for girls night and knitting. We shared, laughed, cried, celebrated, honored, respected, called bullshit when needed, listened, and loved one another as true friends do.

Since then, I haven't replied to her email. What's left to say? I could tell her I love her, apologize for hurting her (again), tell her I miss her....but the bottom line is, even if I had it to do all over again, I would still make the same decision. And the truth is, as hurt as I am, I have never felt more empowered, other than when I first came out. I made a choice for myself and for my family, and I stuck to it. I didn't back down just because it was hard or painful or threats were made (and then followed through with). I can't control what anyone does or says, but I can control what I do or say.

Am I hurt? Yes. Am I angry? A little. Do I feel Rejected? Betrayed? Cast aside? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

But, I know that those that stand by my side through thick and thin...through whatever else comes my way...those are the people that truly love me. Those are the people that meant every word, every encouragement, every 'you still have me'. Some may eventually come back....maybe this woman will. And then it will be up to me on whether or not I can let them back in. But those that never left my side, those are the ones that I will always honor, respect, and love....because they chose to do the same no matter what.

New beginnings...

2010-01-04T06:45:00.001-08:00

The new year brings new beginning what do you plan to begin this year?

Hmmm, I have goals for this year, but not resolutions (see answer to this question from last week. But something I plan to begin this year is to be more aware of the words I use. It was pointed out to me this weekend that I can be completely oblivious to how my words sometimes come across. And to be brutally honest with myself, I'd have to say its more than sometimes. I can be trying to help, or point out a better/easier/whatever way...but in reality, the person that I am speaking to only hears one thing.

"You're wrong."

I grew up in that kind of enviroment. I could never do anything right, never good enough. So I know where this comes from. Its a difficult thing to change. Something so embedded in your mind and the way you think, that you don't even realize you do it. It is NEVER my intention to make someone alywas feel wrong....to make them feel small and belittled. NEVER. Those that know me, know that knowing I have made someone, ANYONE, feel this way, crushes me. Hearing how I made this person feel over the weekend, my heart is heavy, its broken, and its horribly sad. That isn't the kind of person, mom, partner, friend, or co-worker I want to be. So, somehow, someway, I am going to figure out how to control what I say and be more uplifting instead of seemingly always having to be right.

Ask me anything

Would I really change it???

2009-12-30T07:00:00.001-08:00

If you could change one thing/event in your life what would it be and why?

JUST ONE??

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. That every step, action, turn of events, and breath has lead me to this exact place and time. That there is a chance that had I not been running by the pool when I was 10, had I not slipped and fallen onto a big cement block and taken a chunk out of my shin, that maybe I wouldn't have been so insecure about my legs growing up, so then maybe I would have FELT beautiful and worthy, so then maybe I....you get the picture.

But, there is one thing, above all else, that if I knew without a shadow of doubt that it would have made a difference in someone's life...or even my own, I would have done completely different. Its heavy...not an easy thing to talk about or admit, but its the truth. Its the one thing I would change.

I would have reported the rape I endured when I was 17. Not only will I never know if he took away a piece of someone else's soul, but I believe, at least I like to think that I wouldn't have done down a path of destruction trying to forget if I had turned him in. Afterall, its not like I didn't know him or everything about him...he was my boyfriend.

Or maybe, I would have taken him straight to his Aunt's house instead of to the "park" that he wanted to show me. Then I wouldn't have had to live with the nightmares and the addictions at all.

Regardless, I would change something, anything, about that time in my life. But hindsight is 20/20 right? And now I can help other young girls struggle through to the other side. The side of life and love, strength and confidence. I can help them take back that piece of their soul.

So, if you can turn back the clock, that's what I would change, but really...don't bother. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not gone through that experience. I wouldn't have been able to see the light come back on in the 15 year old eyes after realizing her attacker didn't "own" her anymore. Or get to hear the story of a 17 year old boy being molested by his mother for the first 16 years of his life. He wouldn't have hugged me and thanked me for letting him cry on my shoulder because he still loves her. Or what about the other teens? The ones that stood in front of me and talked to me as if I was their abuser...letting out their rage, giving their forgiveness, and taking back their life.

So, would I change it, yea I guess....but each time one of those kids looks me in the eyes and tells me they've made it...that makes it all worth it....

Ask me anything

Boo and our relationship questions....

2009-12-29T13:20:00.001-08:00

How long have you been with Boo? But first...new follower...who is Boo?

Boo is my beautiful girlfriend, life partner, best friend, soulmate, safe place, rock, and so much more. She's a very energetic, strong, 5'2 steely blue eyed beauty that swept me off my feet. Two mutual friends had talked to us about the other for almost a year, but everything happens for a reason. We met once at a bar with friends in October of 2008 and another time the Saturday after Thanksgiving of 2008. While she noticed me in October, she thought I was just some 'hot, straight girl' at the gay bar. But in November she actually took interest and 1 week and 2 days later on Monday, December 8, 2008 I got a text from one of our friends asking if she could give Boo my number. After a quick HELL YEA WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING, I got a text within seconds from Boo. After about an hour of chatting via text, Boo asked me on a date for that Saturday. Only the texting didn't stop then. We continued to text for the rest of day never going longer than 30 minutes without talking until I got to my chiropractors office, which, we found realized, was less than 10 minutes from her house. And so, I ignored the fact that I had gone home before my appointment and changed into a ratty ole sweatshirt, a hat, and even my slippers, and arrived at Boo's with a smile after my appointment for our unplanned first date. And the rest, as they say, is history. So to answer your question, new follower, we just celebrated our year anniversary!

Ask me anything

Children? YES PLEASE!

2009-12-29T10:34:00.001-08:00

have you and Boo talked about having children?

Yes. And I will carry when the time is right. Our plan was to start trying in 2010, however, with her changing careers and taking such a big pay cut, we are postponing this. She worked 13-15 years sitting at a desk calling people 10-12 hours a day just to get cussed out and threatened (collections) and we could afford to have her do something different and fun for a fraction of the pay...her happiness and the effects its had on our relationship are totally worth it! So, when she is ready to look for something that can help support a baby (a year or two), then we will start the process of gettin me knocked up!!

Boo went from wanting 9 until I made her watch Jon & Kate Plus 8, to wanting 1 and getting me big dogs (lol). I would like 2 or 3 but would still be happy with 1. She says she can't commit to more than 1 right now and that's okay with me. The fact that I have found a woman that I want to grow old with and have a family with is perfect for me.

And in case you are wondering, she wants a boy, I want a girl, but we both just want a healthy baby. Oh, and we won't find out the sex of the baby....at least from a doctor... ;o)

Ask me anything

Flying anywhere???

2009-12-29T10:27:00.001-08:00

you have 2 tickets in your hand to fly anywhere in the US..where are u and Boo going for vacation?

Hmmmm, Chicago to see her family or Tennesse to see our *family*. I have never been to either and she has never been to see them in Tennessee. And we want to do both. Family aside, I'd love to go to another country and explore with her. She's done a lot of traveling between being ex military and working for an airline for years. So I would want to go to a place neither of us have ever been. But my first choice is definitely Chicago.

Ask me anything

Coming out at work and what not....

2009-12-29T10:23:00.001-08:00

you have come out to your family how about at work? and if so do u find they treat u any different

I came out to a couple people at first. Others have since figured it out. And yes, all but 1 treat me different. Another 1, is only different on some things. I was asked not to speak about my personal life, which okay fine, but then please ask the ladies in my lunch period to stop discussing their husbands. Particularly their sex lives with their husbands. So yes, generally I am treated very differently by those that know. Some are just now, after a year figuring it out, and others figured it out awhile back (their changes proved that) but are now starting to ask questions about her. But, no matter how you flip the coin, it has still been a difficult, painful process at work AND with my family.

Ask me anything

Would Boo and I get matching tattoos?

2009-12-29T10:05:00.001-08:00

*from formspring.me*

would you and Boo get matching tattoos?

Hmmm, I don't know. Its not something we have discussed. I don't really know about matching, but I would get one that symbolizes our relationship. She got her zodiac sign on her wrist just before the summer and when we were looking online for different ways its been done, we found one that combined our two zodiacs. Talk about an omen! (Of course we both already knew!!) I would get something like that. I am open, but I am not sure how she would feel about it.

Ask me anything

This New Thing

2009-12-28T12:32:00.001-08:00

So I am doing this new thing: http://formspring.me/ABtflDisaster where you can ask me anything and I don't even have to know who you are!! So...come ask me anything you want and I'll answer you....

One Year Anniversary

2009-12-15T15:40:00.000-08:00

So, a week ago today was Boo and I's 1 year anniversary. My plan for the evening changed a few times over the night, but all in all, it was beautiful. We had reservations at this amazing restaurant in Dallas called Trece. Yummy!

Before leaving, I gave Boo the necklace I designed and had made for her. She LOVED it which of course made me oh so happy!!

My gifts were perfect and fit me to a tee! She did so good! I love poetry and am obviously a hopeless romantic so she gave me a book of love poems. And since she wanted to get me some kind of jewelry and knew I had been looking for something specific, she gave me a new skull and cross belly ring.

Through out the evening, I gave her a total of four cards, all at different times. Each card had specially meaning and each also had a paragraph that I had written on a separate piece of paper. And so, for those that knew this and were curious as to what I wrote to and for her...her you go...

"Someday, we will look back on today and smile. Maybe even laugh a little. We will reminisce about the "good 'ole days" and yet, be thankful for the present. We will smile sweetly at each other as we watch our grandchildren playing in the yard. You will take my hand as I lean into you - just as I always do - and I will tell you that I love you...

Until, this day comes, I promise to love you with every part of my being. I promise to be your lover, your partner, your companion, your friend. When you are weak and weary, when you are sick and tired, I will be there. I will be your soft place to fall, to rest, to find comfort. When you are afraid and need encouragement, I will hold your hand. When darkness is all around you, I will lead you into the light. When you feel lost or broken, I will guide you and help you put the pieces back together. I will wipe your tears, kiss your face, and hold you close....just because....

Every moment of every day, I will be here. I will love you unconditionally from the depths of my heart. I promise you this. I promise to be true and faithful...and uplifting. I promise to not only love you this way, but I will love myself and our family this way as well.

I will allow you to be the leader of our family and help you, support you, encourage you, and advise you. I will stand by your side from now until eternity, your partner in this life, as we face hard times and cherish amazing times. I give you, Boo, my love, my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body. I give you me."

i miss his kisses

2009-12-03T07:40:00.000-08:00

today is the year anniversary since you were struck by a careless driver that then just left you. but you weren't alone were you baby boy? you had a handful of complete strangers that stayed with you until your oma and opa arrived to rush you to the clinic. it was there, that they had to make the brutal decision to let you go then or put you on life support until i could arrive to say goodbye. as difficult as it has been knowing that you died without me there or that they couldn't bear to watch and left you alone with the doctor, i know deep in my heart that they did make the right decision.

i still ask myself why you wanted out so bad. what is it that caused you to repeatedly destroy the blinds and break through the window to get out of the house. so much so that a kennel had to be bought so that you wouldn't do it anymore. what is it, that on that fateful day, caused you to break out of your kennel and through the window and actually leave the neighborhood...crossing a busy street. you made it though. you were found on a side street, facing home. my heart aches for you my boy....

i will never forget you. i will never forget our beautiful bond. you were my best friend, my protector, and my son. you, my goofy, loveable boy enjoy your brother up there at rainbow bridge. play and run and bask in the sun as you always did....but when you see me coming in the distance...mommy expects lots of kisses....i love you hershey....

the difference a year makes

2009-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

i met boo in october of 2008 through a mutual now ex-friend. i had just come out of a year of self examination, some depression, and pretty much was in the process of dramatically changing my life...i mean...i did after all start coming out around this time. when boo's family came in town a couple of months ago, i brought my camera along. i hadn't used it in quite awhile as my laptop died and i was just too lazy to take the memory card up to walgreens to retrieve my pictures. in fact, i still haven't...i need to though, we got some great fmaily photos! but i digress...

i am going to post for you 2 pictures of what i looked like in october of 2008. i was at a friends wedding and just so you know, i took a picture of the photo with my phone so...it pretty much sucks. its blurry but i wanted you to get a better idea of my weight loss and all around physical changes....

before:

over the summer:

Now:

Yea....I'm feelin pretty damn good about myself today!

the trip of a lifetime...

2009-12-01T15:23:00.000-08:00

First 50 Words : Trip

http://first50.wordpress.com/2009/12/01/trip/

looking back, it was the most incredible trip of my life. although as an outsider, you would probably think the opposite....

i was less than a month shy of my 19th birthday and had more life under my belt than i care to admit. it was thanksgiving day and my folks had gone to west texas for the holiday....nervously. it isn't that they didn't trust me, after all, i was leaving town myself. but they were nervous for me and my adventure. i had packed long before my scheduled departure...actually, i had packed, unpacked, and packed again a few times over. i couldn't decide what to take with me.

i sat, alone with my two pups, in my bedroom staring at pictures of people i wasn't sure i would ever really know or understand. clutching the teddy bear my mom's mom gave me when i was a toddler, i just cried. i was questioning everything, but mostly, i was questioning who i was and where i belonged. i heard my ride, a close friend from high school, pull into the driveway and i met her at the door. she hugged me and reminded me that i was loved...at least by her. we drove to the airport in silence-her clutching the wheel and me still clutching my teddy bear. 9/11 had happened the year before so she waited in line with me at the airport until she couldn't go any further. the tsa folks allowed her to stand by them until she could no longer see me after she told them where i was going. i will always love my dear friend for being there for me during that time.

have you ever tried getting on an airplane after no sleep and hours of tears...on a holiday no less? it ain't fun OR pretty! i tried my hardest to hide my face from nosey passengers and flight attendants. of course, when a 5'10, fit, 19 year old clutches a teddy bear for dear life....its pretty noticeable. by the end of the flight, my little section of the plane knew my whole life story, where i was headed, and why. i had also acquired some mama bears. 3 women whom, when we landed, escorted me to the bathroom, helped me get cleaned up, and waited with me for my ride.

i remember it like it was yesterday. i stood there at baggage claim, still clutching tonbear only now, i was fighting back the tears. i wasn't sure who was picking me up this cold thanksgiving evening..hell i didn't even know what they looked like. all i knew, was i was ready for some food and more importantly, some peace. a lone man, a stranger to me, walked towards me nervously. he stopped a few feet ahead of me, stared intently, and then made his way around the baggage claim area obviously looking for someone. his eyes met mine with every other step and as he made his way back around to me, my heart began to pound wildly.

this handsome, salt and pepper haired man stopped mere inches from me once more. his kind eyes, brimming with tears, sparkled. his worry lines showed as he examined my face, almost as if he were looking for some clue or sign that i was who he was looking for. his voice shaking and barely audible, "are you...".

from my left a roar of commotion and voices screaming questions towards our direction drowned him out. we both turned toward the 15 people running full speed ahead and slowly, as if i was in a dream, i turned back to him. our eyes met and the tears fell freely for us both.

"you must be my uncle tim." with my words he threw his arms around me, hugging the niece his brother had given up years ago. when the crowd, my family, reached us, the introductions began. i was overwhelmed with the amount of love they already had for me as they explained almost in unison that a near riot broke out when trying to figure out who would pick me up. and so, they had all piled in to vans and cars and trucks to come meet the niece and cousin that they had always wondered about. i turned to find the mama bears that had so tenderly nurtured my wounded heart, but they had vanished. quietly, i sent my thanks into the universe hoping they knew what their words and hugs had meant to this scared 'little' girl.

at the end of my 5 day journey, we all hugged and cried as we had my entire stay. it was a trip that i will never forget. a trip that not only brought me peace, but answers to years of questions. and, more importantly, love from a family i never knew and always longed for. each of our lives are forever changed. some of us talk on a regular basis, others, only at holidays. but, in my heart of hearts, i finally know that i do belong and where i came from.

i am finally a part of the family that i never knew.

Dear God

2009-11-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I know it's been a long time since I have truly prayed. Since I have truly seeked You...seeked Your face. I would ask Your forgiveness but You know my heart...You know it wouldn't be real. I can't help but laugh that a year ago I was standing on a stage leading people into Your presence with music. I can't help but wonder what You think of all that...of this whole past year in my journey to getting to the core of me.

I am thankful that You know and see everything. Because that means You know that I do love You. You know that my heart longs for Your touch and to feel that closeness to You I once did. But that also means You know what prevents it as well. Because, after all, it is I that has built this sturdy barrier between my heart and Yours. I dare not fully trust in the God I once knew...the God I once praised. Oh, I believe in You. I know that I will one day spend all eternity in Heaven with You. However, my heart aches at what You allow Your children to do to me...to those like me.

I cannot believe that the God I believe in would look at me in disappointment for loving a woman. I do not believe it. I believe that You created no mistakes...and that You love me just as much as the elderly man on the subway, the socialite in the porch, the druggie under the bridge and the cashier at the grocery store. You love us all. I know this. I feel this. I believe this with my whole heart. But Your children do not. Your children whom claim to live as You did. Your children whom bash us and judge us IN YOUR NAME. Your children who sacrifice their own children-their blood-in the name of Jesus. Your children who do not waste anytime calling us names and trying to break our spirits. All. In. Your. Name.

And what is it You do? Nothing. Nothing at all. At least that is how it seems to me. Now I know...maybe that is a blanket statement just as me saying that ALL Your children treat us poorly. But sometimes, I just want them to pay. I know I know....leave that to You. But Jesus Christ (er, sorry bout that), I am so disgusted by it all. When I went to church the other day...my old church...I left there wanting to take a shower to clean of the filth that was "spoke over me". The filth that I felt with every hug and every glance. I wanted to stand up and shake my finger and give them a piece of my mind. But instead.....

....I cried. I cried because I was allowing them to steal my moment with You. I cried because they will never know me or my Boo, or the love that we have for each other and other people. Including our future children. Because they choose to hate and judge. I cried because my father sat next to me and held onto me and cried the whole service because he missed me. I cried because my parents think that my being there meant I want to be in their lives. I cried for every pain Your children have caused me, for every broken heart and shattered dream, but mostly, I cried because it all just made me sad.

I don't know the point of my letter to You today. I just know I needed to get some things off my chest. I needed to allow myself to say these things to You. I love you. I do need you. I'm just having a difficult time finding my place among Your people. I will eventually. But for now...for this moment, I need to walk this a few steps in front of You. And when I am ready, I will reach for Your hand, and surrender to Your leadership again. But, until then, I need this barrier between us okay? I just need to be allowed to just be me for awhile....be the me I was always so ashamed of because of what Your people said of You....

I am a lesbian. I have FINALLY come to terms with that. Its a beautiful thing to embrace after years of fearing it. I have never been happier. And in a way, I owe that to You. I prayed for months to You about it. And You answered me, just as I knew You would. I have never felt more free. And wow, the love I have for myself is incredible. It feels amazing to be authentic. So thank you for helping me me get there...guiding me through this journey.

Your daughter,
Me

Say hello to yumminess!

2009-11-19T06:26:00.000-08:00

So some of you have asked for my Corn Casserole Recipe. Now, I say "my" loosely as its similar to ones you can find on the internet and because this particular one has been passed through a few generations in my family. Each of us have probably tweaked it a bit each time, but it is always one of the first things to go at every holiday and function I have ever taken it to. So with the holidays quickly approaching, I thought I would share the "food love".....

This recipe makes a large platter like a 3 quart glass platter.

Ingredients:
1 can whole corn
1 can cream style corn
1 small can chopped green chili peppers
1 small container of sour cream
1 Mexican Style corn bread mix -Mixed but not baked so be sure and check what you will need for this as well
2 eggs - beaten
4 table spoons chopped onion (and yes, frozen is okay if you don't like chopping it!)

1 stick butter
shredded cheese

Okay....here we go....

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

In a large bowl, mix all the ingredients EXCEPT butter and cheese. Don't drain anything as all the liquids add to the flavor and density of the dish. PERSONALLY, I stir it all after adding each ingredients...it just makes it easier and less messy. I also don't normally mix the corn bread mix separately. I add each ingredient as I do the others. Since it calls for a beaten egg, I beat all 3 eggs together...again....its just easier.

Pour mixture into ungreased platter.

Slice the stick of butter on the top of mixture. Don't push it down in there...just leave it be.

When your oven is ready, throw 'er on in there for 50 minutes. Ovens vary but I always have to leave it in for at least this long, and sometimes up to 1 hour and 5 minutes. The top should be a golden brown, although it won't be so golden where the butter has melted so you can use your judgement here.

Remove this yummy smellin' casserole from the oven and top with shredded cheese. Place it back in the oven and let the cheese melt.

Remove casserole, turn off the oven, enjoy a glass of wine, and let your mouth water as you smell this little slice of heaven....

See, its simple. AND you can make it the night before an event if you'd like to. Just do everything you would normally do EXCEPT melt the cheese. You can do that the next day...normally 10-15 minutes will do it.

If you don't like onions, leave them out. It has a subtle kick to it with the Mexican Style corn bread, so if you don't like a little spice, use regular mix. If you love spicy food.....throw some jalapenos in there too.

I only have one request if you choose to make my casserole. When you take that first bite, as your eyes roll back into your head, and you let out a slight groan with delight (kinda like when you have an orgasm), be sure and think of me. After all, it is because of this Beautiful Disaster that your taste buds are having a party right now!

Happy Cooking!

This Is My Choice

2009-11-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

I have a project to do, however, my mind is elsewhere.

Earlier today I received an email from one of my very dear friends. I had hurt, disappointed, and let her down. This of course really hurt to hear. Not just because I have hurt a friend, but because of the reason as well.

She had invited me to be a part of a celebration that was important to her. A celebration for her children. I wanted to go. Well, I sort of wanted to go. The truth is, I was pretty torn. Should I go support my friend and her children whom I love? Or do i take care of myself and hope that she will forgive me?

You see, there were people at the celebration that I am in the process of cutting out of my life. They are negative, hurtful, judgmental, and manipulative. I have come to the very difficult decision to not be around them. It sucks and at times I miss them greatly. I have cried, screamed, hit pillows, and even thrown things in an adult tantrum about even having to walk away. But alas, my sanity, my heart, my FAMILY...we deserve more. We deserve to be loved whole heartedly. To be accepted and respected by those around us. We also deserve to be able to make decisions like these without so much "friendly advice".

But people don't understand. Some don't understand my side, others don't understand the other people's side. But most just find it really sad. And so do I. Its always sad when parents treat their children like they are less than just because they don't live a life the parents believe they should. It wasn't an easy decision to make for me by any means. I love my parents. And I am a daddy's girl to the core. But when daddy becomes the one breaking your heart instead of mending it...well, you just have to do what is best for you.

And so, I am in the process of cutting them out of my life. I don't want to be around them. I don't want them to have any insight into my life. Into my family's life. Boo and I are creating our own family. Some are blood, yes, but, not many. Others are close friends who to us...they are our family. They will be the ones with us the day our children our born. They will be the ones at our side to celebrate and mourn, to cry and to laugh. My dear friend is someone I would have loved to have been there for. However, she chose to have the celebration during and after a function my parents were at. And sadly, I couldn't participate.

Does it suck to miss out on some things. Absolutely. I miss my nieces and nephews. But, only one sister and my brother are welcoming...so I can't go there. Those that choose to be apart of our lives will always be welcome in our home. But as for the others, I must say goodbye. I miss curling up under my daddy's arm. I miss standing at the piano with my mom while she played and I sang. I will always cherish those memories. I will always love them. But I must do what is best for me...for us.

But...when will my friends begin to really understand. When will they stop asking me to suck it up and do it anyways because its important to them? There will be times that I might. I'm not sure. Births, deaths, weddings....things like that maybe. But, those will be a long time from now and even then....unless I can get lost in the sea of people, I am not sure that I will then.

This is my choice. My decision. It is what's best for me. I just wish that my friends could understand that it isn't so simple...its just not that easy to just suck it up.

Things that make me smile....

2009-10-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

getting lost in someones eyes
random sweetness from someone special
surprise trips
a great pair of shoes
packages in the mailbox
cards in the mail from good friends
sugar toast
naps with mom
light bulb moments
new traditions
MY corn casserole
old traditions
mom's corn casserole
being on the back of a bike
a new recipe
butterfly kisses
the touch of a lover
emails from my mom
bumping into an old friend
bottles of wine
dinner with friends
candle-lit baths
a good book
spring flowers
a child's laughter
the smell of rain

July 13, 2009-While I've been gone

2009-10-22T17:36:00.000-07:00

.....I've written a few things. I only have two with me right now to put on here....but here ya go....

THE NIGHT THAT I FIRST MET YOU
YOU TOOK MY BREATH AWAY
YOUR BEAUTY OVERWHELMED ME
I JUST WANTED YOU TO STAY

BUT KARMA HAD OTHER PLANS
SHE NEEDED US TO WAIT A BIT
SO WHEN SHE FINALLY MADE IT HAPPEN
I JUST KNEW THAT THIS WAS IT

I HAD SEARCHED MY WHOLE LIFE
TO FIND A LOVE SO TRUE
BUT IT WAS WHEN I SAT AND WAITED
THAT KARMA GAVE ME....YOU

YOU HAD BEEN HURT TREMENDOUSLY
AND YOUR SPIRIT ALMOST CRUSHED
BUT I HAD PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING
I KNOW LOVE CAN'T BE RUSHED

AND AS I WATCHED YOU BLOSSOM
AND LEARN TO TRUST ME MORE
I THANKED KARMA EVERYDAY
FOR OPENING THE DOOR

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME
WHEN INTO MY LIFE YOU CAME
I SEE THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY
I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

I KNOW THAT I'M NOT PERFECT
THERE WILL BE TIMES THAT I WILL FALL
I WILL HURT AND FRUSTRATE YOU
I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL

YOU AREN'T PERFECT EITHER
YOU TOO WILL SOMETIMES FALL
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE
WHETHER IN PERSON OR IF YOU CALL

MY LOVE FOR YOU IS DEEPER
THANK I EVER DREAMED COULD BE
SO IF YOU WILL ACCEPT IT
I GIVE YOU MY HEART.....I GIVE YOU ALL OF ME

7-8-09
IF THIS IS A DREAM, PLEASE, DO NOT WAKE ME. FOR IT IS IN THIS PLACE THAT I FEEL MOST ALIVE. IN THIS PLACE MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN-SEEING THINGS I HAVE ONLY DREAMED OF SEEING. IN THIS PLACE, MY MIND IS CLEAR-THE CLOUDS OF YESTERYEAR LONG GONE. GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN, FOR THOSE CLOUDS LED ME TO THIS PLACE. IN THIS PLACE, MY HANDS HOLD TRUE TREASURE-TREASURE THAT MONEY CANNOT BUY. TREASURE THAT NO THIEF CAN TAKE AWAY. IN THIS PLACE, MY FEET DANCE TO A TUNE OF THEIR OWN. A TUNE THAT ONLY A FEW CAN HEAR. IN THIS PLACE, MY HEART IS FULL-FULL OF EMOTION AND FEELING. IT IS FULL OF DREAMS AND INSPIRATIONS. MY HEART IS FULL, NOT LONGING FOR SOMETHING JUST OUT OF REACH; BUT FULL OF ALL THOSE THINGS ONCE LONGED FOR. IN THIS PLACE MY SOUL IS ALIVE-ALIVE AND FREE NOT CHAINED TO MISTAKES AND TRAGEDIES. NOT HELD BACK BY THE CRUEL EVILS OF THIS WORLD. IT IS IN THIS PLACE THAT LOVE HAS FOUND ME. THAT IT HAS SEEPED INTO EVERY CORNER, EVERY CURVE WITHIN ME. I FEEL IT WITH EACH TOUCH OF YOUR HAND-EACH CARESS. WITH EVERY KISS YOUR LIPS WHISPER YOUR LOVE TO ME. WITH EVERY BREATH IT SINGS ME ITS LULLABY. WE HAVE BECOME ONE, YOU AND I. ONE HEART, ONE SOUL, ONE MIND. EVEN IN THOSE INTIMATE MOMENTS, WE BECOME ONE IN BODY AS WELL. SO, PLEASE, IF THIS IS A DREAM, THIS LOVE OF OURS, PLEASE, DO NOT WAKE ME. FOR IT IS IN MORE THAN I HAVE DREAMED BEFORE. MORE THAN I EVER DARED TO DREAM. IT IS BEYOND ANY FANTASY I COULD EVER IMAGINE. THIS LOVE OF OURS UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE'S. STAY HERE WITH ME, IN THIS PLACE, OUR PLACE-WHERE TOGETHER, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

April 21, 2009-Behind

2009-10-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

Behind the long, auburn hair is a simple woman who is content with just...
being
Behind the deep, dark, chestnut eyes is a wise beyond her years girl who searches for understanding in a world that just...
doesn't
Behind the big, bold smile is a sensitive and kind soul who longs for love and acceptance from people that just.....
can't
Behind the sun kissed, broad shoulders is a warrior who has carried her family through torrential downpours when those that should have just....
couldn't
Behind the soft, voluptuous breasts is a tender heart that is easily hurt but rises above when others expect her to just....
fail
Behind the strong, graceful hands is a girl needing a hand to hold through the dark nights when her courage is just....
depleted
Behind the enticing, curvaceous hips is a woman yearning for life to grow within her so that she may just....
give
Behind the long, sexy legs is a lover that relishes in tender kisses and gentle caresses from the one that just....
cares
Behind the sturdy, feminine feet is a lady who carries herself with confidence and pride even when she is told that desired she just...
isn't
Behind all of these things is a girl, a woman, a warrior, a lady, an old soul....
a lover
Behind her beautiful exterior there is so much more to be known...
to be found
Behind the the things seen and things unseen there is just....
me

April 16, 2009-Long legged femme

2009-10-22T17:31:00.000-07:00

Kiss and Kvell wrote this over on her blog.....it reminded me of, well, myself. I especially loved a few lines...."whose soft skin shields a kick-ass Amazon." Boo refers to me as an Amazon. Being that I'm 5'10, and have been for more years than not now, I took offense at first. Growing up, I was always taller than everyone else....a lot taller. For instance, from age 12 to 16, I only grew a half inch...and have never grown since. So, let's just say kids were not so kind to this long legged femme. BUT, after reading this poem, I look at "Amazon" a bit differently. Don't get me wrong, I love being tall....love it, relish in it, use it to my advantage, and wouldn't change it for anything! I just thought that being referred to as an Amazon sounded a bit derogatory. However, after some thought....my opinion has changed....Boo, you can call me an Amazon anytime you like...I take pride in it!!

I also loved the ending. I seem to be one of those people that everyone thinks they know....until they really get to know me or I allow them to see all of me. Its not that I purposely hide, but at certain places and in certain situations, I seemingly flat out astonish some people. So I relate to the writer in that you can know me for years without knowing it all....but then, can you ever really know everything about anyone.....

I’m just that kinda girl
with a permanent glint
behind my eyes.
I’m just that kinda girl
who wears black, thigh-high stockings
under my jeans.
I’m just that kinda girl
whose soft skin
shields a kick-ass Amazon.
I’m just that kinda girl
that you can claim
but never tame.
I’m just that kinda girl
who values strength
as well as subtlety.
I’m just that kinda girl
who cries at movies
but suffers no fools.
I’m just that kinda girl
that you can take
but never break.
I’ll reveal it
when you’re ready to see.
I’ll give it
when you’re ripe to respond.
I’ll parade it
but not in public.
I’ll flaunt it
right in your face.
And
just when you
think
that you’ve figured
me out
I’ll surprise
I’ll stun
I’ll slay
you.
Because
I’m just that kinda girl.

Until Next Time.....

April 16, 2009-She wants to break free

2009-10-22T17:23:00.000-07:00

I REMEMBER VERY VIVIDLY THAT MOMENT WHEN I STOPPED BEING A CAREFREE, FUN LOVING KID. I WAS SO YOUNG, BEING FORCED INTO THE ADULT WORLD - MAKING ADULT CHOICES, BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR FEEDING THE FAMILY, DOING THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES, MAKING SURE THAT OUR FAMILY CONTINUED TO APPEAR NORMAL...EVEN THOUGH IT WAS NOTHING LIKE ANYONE ELSE'S.

IT IS SAID THAT WE ALL HAVE CHOICES IN LIFE. EACH CHOICE COMES WITH A CONSEQUENCE - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE. BUT AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE AND UNDER MY PARENTS RULE, I NEVER KNEW I HAD ONE. LOOKING BACK, THERE WERE RESOURCES MY PARENTS COULD HAVE REACHED OUT TO. AND NOT JUST ORGANIZATIONS EITHER - WE HAD FRIENDS AND FAMILY, THAT ALTHOUGH HELPED WHEN THEY COULD, THEY COULDN'T GIVE THE HELP WE SO DESPERATELY NEEDED, BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE IN THAT PLACE WE CALLED A HOME..

NO ONE BUT US.

ONE DAY, I WAS WRAPPED UP IN SPORTS AND FRIENDS, MAKE-UP AND CLOTHES, MY INNER TOMBOY FIGHTING MY OUTER FASHIONISTA. THE NEXT, I WAS WORRYING ABOUT PUTTING FOOD ON THE TABLE, COUNTING ALL THE PILLS IN EVERY BOTTLE, GIVING OUT SAID PILLS IN THE RIGHT DOSAGE AT THE RIGHT TIMES, GIVING AN ADULT A BATH, AND HOLDING SAID ADULT WHEN THEY WERE SCARED, CRYING, COULDN'T SLEEP, OR WERE TOO WEAK TO MOVE.

IN A 24 HOUR PERIOD, I WENT FROM COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE EVILNESS OF THIS WORLD, TO KNOWING ALL TOO WELL JUST HOW CRUEL AND EVIL PEOPLE CAN BE. I LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE THAT SOMETIMES DADDIES ARE THE MONSTERS THAT COME TO DEVOUR YOU AT NIGHT AND MOMMIES DON'T ALWAYS PROTECT THEIR LITTLE GIRLS. IN A SINGLE DAY, MY ENTIRE LIFE, MY HEROS, MY WORLD WAS STRIPPED FROM ME; BECOMING, ONCE AGAIN, A COMPLETE LIE. IN JUST A MOMENT IN TIME, I WENT FROM MINOR TO ADULT - FROM CHILD TO PARENT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS WORSE, PARENTING YOUR PARENT OR BEING PARENTED BY YOUR CHILD. I AM SURE MY PARENTS AND I COULD HAVE A VERY GOOD DEBATE ABOUT THIS. TRULY THOUGH, IT DOESN'T MATTER - I AM POSITIVE THAT BOTH WERE DIFFICULT, HEART-WRENCHING, AND JUST PLAIN SUCKED. FOR YEARS, EACH OF US CARRIED AROUND THE WORLD ON OUR SHOULDERS. IT WAS LIKE WE ALL HAD THIS CHAIN WRAPPED AND LOCKED SECURELY AROUND US - EACH LINK REPRESENTING A DIFFIRENT HURT, BETRAYEL, AND FEELING. THERE WERE LINKS OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, SHAME, FEAR.....THE LIST GOES ON. BUT AS EACH OF US WALKED OUT OF THE PRISON-LIKE DOORS TO OUR HOUSE, WE CAREFULLY HID OUR CHAINS BEHIND OUR MASKS AND PERFECTLY PRESSED CLOTHES, NEVER ALLOWING ANYONE TO REALLY SEE OUR BROKENESS.

I WAS ALWAYS THE WEAKEST LINK, SAYING JUST A LITTLE MORE THAN I SHOULD. BUT, FOR THOSE THAT KNOW ME...MY EYES TRULY ARE WINDOWS TO MY SOUL. NOT TO MENTION, JUST LIKE I DO NOW, MY HEART WAS ALWAYS WORN ON MY SLEEVE. MY EYES WERE EMPTY - AND THAT IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN HIDE.

ITS BEEN YEARS SINCE THAT HORRIBLE DAY WHEN MY INNOSENSE WAS RIPPED FROM ME. YEARS SINCE I PLAYED MOMMY TO A GROWN UP. EACH ONE OF US HAS HEALED, FORGIVEN, AND MOVED ON...BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET. I DON'T WANT TO FORGET. I AM A STRONGER WOMAN BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD....OR LACK THERE OF. WHILE I CAN STILL BE DANGEROUSLY CAREFREE, I AM MUCH WISER THAN MOST OF MY PEERS. I HAVE SEEN THINGS AND DONE THINGS AND GONE THROUGH THINGS THAT I WISH ON NO ONE...NOT EVEN MY WORST ENEMY. I HAVE NO REGRETS OR RESENTMENTS. IT IS WHAT IT IS. MY LIFE WAS FOREVER CHANGED THAT DAY - AND ALTHOUGH THOSE WERE THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE, LIVING IN THAT HELL - I WAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.

BUT IT IS DAYS LIKE TODAY, WHEN MY INNER CHILD LONGS TO BE PLAYING AND RUNNING AND LAUGHING OUTSIDE INSTEAD OF HOLED UP IN AN OFFICE BUILDING IN THIS SUIT WEARING ADULT BODY, THAT I AM REMINDED OF THOSE LOST YEARS. SHE WANTS TO RUN ALONG THE LAKES SHORE AND FALL CARELESSLY INTO THE OPEN ARMS OF THE WAVES. SHE WANTS TO STRIP NAKED IN THE BACK YARD AND BASK IN THE BEAUTY OF THE SUN WHILE RUNNING FROM THE SPRINKLERS AIM. SHE WANTS TO FALL ASLEEP UNDER THE LARGE OAK TREES AND WAKE TO THE WET TONGUE OF HER BELOVED PUPPY. SHE WANTS TO HAVE A TICKLE WAR WITH HER BEST FRIEND. AND STAY UP GIGGLING INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING.

SHE WANTS TO BREAK FREE....

SO, I THINK THAT I WILL ALLOW HER TO SHINE THROUGH TODAY. WHILE SHE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DO ALL THE THINGS SHE PLEASES TODAY....WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN TOGETHER. THE ADULT ME AND THE CHILD ME...WE CAN STILL BASK IN THE BEAUTY OF LIFE AND LOVE, AND RELISH IN THE PLAYFUL TENDERNESS THAT LIES WITHIN US. BECAUSE, WE ARE ONE IN THE SAME...AND IT IS MERELY A CHOICE TO LET HER BE SEEN....

UNTIL NEXT TIME....

April 15, 2009-I love her

2009-10-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

SO I HAVE BEEN READING A LOT OF DIFFERENT BLOGS LATELY...AND ITS GOT MY DESIRE TO WRITE BURNIN PRETTY HOT. PROBLEM IS, EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO WRITE...I GOT NOTHIN! I MEAN I READ THESE BLOGS AND THESE PEOPLE CAN WRITE 5 OR 6 LINES ABOUT ANYTHING OR NOTHING AT ALL AND ITS HILARIOUS OR MOVING OR INSPIRING.....HOW CAN I INSPIRE IN JUST A FEW SENTENCES???

BOO CALLS ME HER "LIL WRITER"...WHICH MAKES ME LAUGH. I JUST WRITE WHEN I FEEL IT...LIKE REALLY FEEL IT. WHEN I HAVE SOME OVERWHELMING EMOTION OR THOUGHT THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO THINK OR FEEL ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL I WRITE. AND THEN I POUR IT OUT. SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD CARRY AROUND A RECORDER SO THAT WHEN I AM DRIVING IN THE CAR AND GET STRUCK WITH A GREAT IDEA OR THOUGHT TO WRITE ABOUT...I WON'T FORGET LATER IF I JUST HIT RECORD. SURE, I COULD USE MY CELL PHONE....BUT THEN I GOTTA RECORD MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE IT ONLY GOES FOR JUST A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

THERE IS SOMETHING ON MY MIND TODAY THOUGH....WELL RIGHT NOW....

YOU SEE, BOO CAN FEEL A PERSON'S ENERGY. A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN SENSE THINGS...BUT BOO....SHE FEELS IT. I AM LEARNING TO TAP INTO THAT PART OF ME AS WELL....BEING MORE IN TUNE WITH MY SENSITIVE SELF REALLY OPENS UP THE POSSIBLITIES. BUT I DIGRESS. TODAY AT LUNCH SHE KNEW I WAS RETURNING SOME KEYS THAT I HAD MADE AT HOME DEPOT. I MOVED THIS PAST WEEKEND AND GOT SOME MADE FOR GUESTS AND ONE FOR BOO. ONLY I HADN'T TOLD BOO THAT I WAS DOING THAT...ONLY MY ROOMMATE AND I KNOW SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. SO, I SEND BOO A TEXT TELLING HER THAT I WAS TAKING THE KEYS BACK DURING LUNCH AND SHE SAYS HERS BETTER BE TYE DYE. BY THE END OF THE CONVERSATION I HAD ADMITTED THAT YES, I WAS GIVING HER A KEY AND SHE ADMITTED SHE FELT IT.

THE WOMAN CAN BE DIFFICULT TO SURPRISE I TELL YA!

BUT MY POINT IS THIS....BOO FEELS THINGS THAT I DON'T EXPRESS OR VOCALIZE. THIS CAN DEFINITELY BITE ME IN THE ASS SOMETIMES. LIKE TODAY. AFTER THE KEY THING I ASKED IF SHE FELT ANYTHING ELSE. IN SPANISH, SHE INFORMED ME THAT I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HER.

I ALMOST FAINTED AND PUKED AND CRIED ALL AT THE SAME TIME. BECAUSE...I AM-AND SHE KNEW IT. AND NOW I HAD TWO CHOICES.....LIE - WHICH I DON'T DO EVER. OR TELL HER SHE IS RIGHT KNOWING THAT SHE ISN'T THERE YET.

I TOLD THE TRUTH. AND I AM GLAD I DID. SHE THINKS SHE DOESN'T DESERVE ME....THINKS I'M SO SWEET TO HER. BUT I'M JUST ME....AND YEA, I LOVE HER. BUT I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE DAY FOR HER TO REALIZE ALL THAT SHE DESERVES. THIS BEAUTIFUL WOMAN THAT I HAVE FALLEN HEAD OVER HEELS FOR. SERIOUSLY.AMAZING. AND HOPEFULLY, SHE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AS WELL. AFTER 8 YEARS WITH A BRAIN-WASHING, PSYCHOTIC, UNFAITHFUL, HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN - I CAN UNDERSTAND HER TRUST ISSUES. AND I AM PATIENT. I LOVE HER. I WON'T SACRIFICE MYSELF OR MY NEEDS....BUT I CAN SIT BACK AND PATIENTLY WAIT FOR HER...AND I WILL. JUST AS SHE DOES WITH ME ON SOME THINGS.

I THINK THAT WHEN YOU FIND SOMEONE WITH WHOM YOU CONNECT SO DEEPLY...SO INTIMATELY WITH, THAT YOUR HEART JUST FEELS RIGHT, YOUR MIND DOESN'T NEED THE ANSWERS AND YOU JUST....LIVE IN THE MOMENT. AND IN LETTING GO, BEING ME, LIVING AUTHENTICALLY...I AM HAPPY. TRULY HAPPY. EVEN THE ROUGH DAYS I FIND MYSELF SMILING...I JUST CAN'T STAY UPSET. BECAUSE I AM FINALLY BEING ME. I HAVE BEEN DOWN THE ROAD OF SELF HATE AND DENIAL AND I FINALLY LOOK MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND LOVE THE WOMAN THAT I AM. BECAUSE THE WOMAN THAT I AM IS PROUD TO BE A LESBIAN. EVEN IF IT MEANS LOSING PEOPLE SHE LOVES DEARLY....THIS WOMAN IS STRONG AND COURAGEOUS....AND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

UNTIL NEXT TIME....

April 8, 2009-My special place

2009-10-22T17:20:00.000-07:00

DO YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE PLACES? YOU KNOW THAT ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT. THAT PLACE WHETHER REAL OR IMAGINARY THAT YOU SOMETIMES GO TO TO UNWIND. THAT SPECIAL PLACE THAT IS YOURS ALONE. I HAVE TWO....ONE IS FAIRLY NEW TO ME AND IT IS REAL AND THE OTHER IS A REAL PLACE THAT I HAVEN'T PHYSICALLY BEEN TO IN YEARS BUT I GO THERE IN MY MIND ALL THE TIME. IT IS THE LATTER ONE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT WAS MY GREAT AUNT AND UNCLE'S PLACE BEFORE MY UNCLE WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. A PLACE I SPENT MANY DAYS AND NIGHTS AT. A PLACE I CALLED HOME FOR AWHILE. A PLACE THAT WAS ALWAYS FULL OF LOVE AND COMPASSION. MY SPECIAL PLACE...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THEIR HOUSE WAS. WHETHER IT WAS THE BIG, OPEN KITCHEN AND LARGE EATING AREAS THAT WERE ALL FLOODED WITH SUNLIGHTOR IF IT WAS LONG, WINDING DIRT ROAD DOWN THE HILL TO GET THERE THAT WAS ENGULFED IN TREES (AS A KID I WAS TERRIFIED TO BE ON THAT ROAD AT NIGHT....TOO MANY TALL TALES WERE TOLD). MAYBE IT WAS THE BIG, BEAUTIFUL FRONT DOOR THAT MATCHED THE SHUTTERS, OR POSSIBLY THE HARDWOOD FLOORS THAT WERE ICE COLD IN WINTER. I COULD HONESTLY GO FOR HOURS TELLING EVERY DETAIL OF THE HOUSE.....INCLUDING WHERE ONE OF MY COUSINS HID HIS DIRTY MAGAZINES (HOW MANY TIMES DID I GET CAUGHT LOOKING AT THEM AND YET STILL ITS A SHOCK I'M A LESBIAN!??)....HOWEVER I STILL WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL YOU WHAT MY FAVORITE PART WAS.

THERE ARE A LOT OF MEMORIES IN THAT HOUSE....BOTH GOOD AND BAD. BUT THE BEST MEMORIES HAPPENED EITHER AT THE TABLE OVER A MEAL OR ON THE BACK PORCH SIPPING SWEET ICED TEA. ESPECIALLY WHEN UNCLE WAS AROUND. HE WAS AN AGGIE.....AND HE LOVED TO TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLE DAYS. HE WOULD GET ON A ROLL AND START LAUGHING AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FINISH....MAN, I MISS HIS LAUGH. IT WAS CONTAGIOUS. ONE OF THIS ROLLING LAUGHS THAT NEVER SEEMED TO STOP. AND WHAT A JOKESTER!! HE ALWAYS HAD A GOOD ONE READY TO TELL AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. I REMEMBER COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE AND I WOULD SIT ON THE BACK PORCH, LOOKING OVER THE PASTURE, DRINKING OUR TEA. SOMETIMES WE WOULD TALK, OTHER TIMES WERE SPENT IN SILENCE. BUT WE ALWAYS ENJOYED THOSE MOMENTS....JUST HIM AND ME AND THE AMAZING EAST TEXAS AIR. THERE WAS A LITTLE FLOWER BED NEXT TO THE PORCH...I REMEMBER THE SWEET FRAGRANCE OF ROSES AND HOW EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE I WOULD SIT IN THE PORCH SWING INSTEAD OF THE ROCKING CHAIR JUST TO BE CLOSER TO THEM. I REMEMBER HOW DURING THE SUMMER DAYS I WOULD STRETCH OUT ON THE STEPS TO GET SOME SUN...AND IT NEVER FAILED THAT I WOULD GET NAILED BY WATER BALLOONS OR THE HOSE BY ONE OF THE FOUR BOY COUSINS.

ON DARK DAYS, I GO THERE IN MY MIND. I CLOSE MY EYES AND DRIFT OFF TO THE BEAUTIFUL EAST TEXAS HOME THAT NO LONGER HOLDS MY FAMILY. HOWEVER IN MY MIND, IT IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT. IN MY MIND IT IS MY HOME AND IT DOES HOLD A FAMILY...MINE....MY CHILDREN AND MY PARTNER. IT IS OUR DOGS THAT RUN FREE IN THE YARD...OUR CHILDREN PLAYING ON THE SWINGSET. IT IS ROSES AND LILLIES AND TALL SUNFLOWERS IN MY GARDEN THAT I HAVE PLANTED. ITS HOME GROWN VEGGIES AND THE SMELL OF DINNER COOKING IN THE KITCHEN. ITS MINE. ALL MINE. AND HERE IN THIS SPECIAL PLACE IN MY MIND....EVERYONE IS SMILING AND RACE, SEXUALITY, AND GENDER DON'T MATTER....BECAUSE IN MY SPECIAL PLACE, ONLY LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE IS ALLOWED. THERE IS GOOD ENERGY HERE.....

....I THINK UNCLE WOULD HAVE LIKE IT....I THINK.....I THINK HE WOULD BE PROUD OF ME....
I MISS YOU UNCLE.....NOW MORE THAN EVER I MISS YOU.....

UNTIL NEXT TIME.....

April 3, 2009-Company

2009-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Company

WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU? IS IT YOUR NEVER-ENDING ENERGY OR THE FACT THAT YOU CAN RELAX WITH ME? IS IT YOUR LOVE FOR YOUR LITTLE BOY AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS? MAYBE IT'S THAT YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT, AND HOW YOU WANT. OR MAYBE IT'S THAT WE CAN BE I A ROOM WITH OUR FRIENDS, OR A RESTAURANT FULL OF PEOPLE AND YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ITS JUST US...LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY TO CREATURES THAT EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...TREAT ME AS A WOMAN SHOULD BE TREATED...AND I FIND MYSELF BLOOMING UNDER YOUR GRACEFUL CARE.

PERSONALLY, I THINK ITS SOMETHING DEEPER THAT HAS CAUSED THIS ADDICTION-LIKE NEED TO BE IN YOUR COMPANY....IN YOUR PRESENCE. IT ISN'T AN UNHEALTHY NEED BY ANY MEANS, BUT A DESIRE THAT HAS TAKEN ROOT SO DEEP WITHIN ME THAT WHEN WE ARE APART, I LONG TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN. ITS NOT AN OBSESSION OR UNHEALTHY CO-DEPENDENCY, BUT A FEELING OF SHEER HAPPINESS THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU. THAT THE POWERS THAT BE FINALLY...MADE IT HAPPEN....BROUGHT US TOGETHER FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME - HOWEVER LONG IT IS. I CHERISH IT, YOU KNOW - THIS MOMENT WITH YOU. I RELISH IN EVERY JOYFUL MOMENT, EVERY PLAYFUL EXCHANGE, EVERY PASSIONATE ENCOUNTER WHETHER POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, EVERY SIMPLE OCCASION. I RELISH IN...US - IN WHO WE ARE AS INDIVIDUALS AND WHO WE ARE TOGETHER.

I LOOK AT EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME TO LET GO AND JUST LET IT BE. I FEEL THINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE EVEN WHEN THEY ARE NOT VOICED. I NOTICE THOSE, THOSE WOW MOMENTS MORE BECAUSE YOU HAVE OPENED MY EYES TO NEW POSSIBILITIES. I DREAM MORE AND WORRY LESS. I EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN AND LAY DOWN THE FEAR. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF MORE THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE BECAUSE I HEAR YOUR VOICE TELLING ME THAT I AM A BEAUTIFUL, SMART, STRONG, COURAGEOUS FEMALE CREATURE....EVEN WHEN YOU AREN'T PHYSICALLY WITH ME - THOSE WORDS GET ME THROUGH MY WEAKER MOMENTS.

I COULD QUESTION WHAT ALL OF THIS MEANS. SIT FOR HOURS AND PONDER ALL THE POSSIBILITIES AND ANALYZE EVERY DAY THAT WE HAVE SHARED TOGETHER. BUT THAT IS WHAT THE OLD ME WOULD DO. THE ME THAT NEEDED ALL THE ANSWERS BEFORE SHE COULD MAKE A RATIONAL, WELL THOUGHT OUT DECISION. BUT WHEN TWO HEARTS...TWO SOULS ARE DRAWN TOGETHER, THERE IS NO RATIONAL RESOLUTION OTHER THAN TO LET IT BE AND GO WITH IT.

SO, THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. SOMETIMES I FAIL, AND PICK THE FEAR BACK UP. WHICH IN TURN CAUSES A LITTLE DISCORD BETWEEN US. I DON'T ALWAYS REALIZE UNTIL LATER THAT THAT IS THE REASON FOR OUR HEAD-BUTTING. BUT THIS MORNING, AS I LONG TO BE ABLE TO BE NEAR YOU AGAIN INSTEAD OF BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT, I SEE THAT I ALLOWED FEAR TO CREEP IN ONCE MORE JUST LAST NIGHT. FEAR THAT THIS, YOU, US IS TO GOOD TO BE TRUE. FEAR THAT YOU WILL TIRE OF MY FAMILY'S JUDGEMENT AND HYPOCRISY. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. I ADMIT THAT. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY OF MY STUPID ACTIONS AND GIRL-LIKE THINKING. I BECAME DEFENSIVE AND ON GUARD. I COULDN'T SEE THAT I WAS DOING IT LAST NIGHT, BUT I CAN SEE THAT TODAY. YOU WERE SO RIGHT IN YOUR COMMENT - YOU ARE NOT OTHER PEOPLE. AND I WAS AN IDIOT ONCE MORE. SO HERE I AM, THIS BEAUTIFUL DISASTER, ASKING YOU TO FORGIVE ME. TO REMEMBER THAT I AM HUMAN AND I, TOO, NEED PATIENCE. AND MAYBE IF YOU SEE OR FEEL ME DOING IT AGAIN, YOU CAN JUST ASK ME IF THAT'S WHAT I AM DOING...IF YOU ARE ABLE. I KNOW THAT IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, BUT I DON'T ALWAYS REALIZE I AM DOING IT. BUT MOSTLY, I AM ASKING YOU TO FORGIVE ME.

AND ONE MORE THING....I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE YOU. I APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU ARE ABOUT AND WHAT YOU STAND FOR. I APPRECIATE YOUR SWEET GENTLENESS WITH ME. HOW YOU KNOW THAT SOMETIMES, I JUST NEED TO BE A TOTAL GIRL. HOW YOU....JUST KNOW ME. I LOOK FORWARD TO EVERYDAY THAT I HAVE WITH YOU. AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING WHERE THIS THING WE HAVE TAKES US....

UNTIL NEXT TIME......

March 20, 2009-Choose to be real

2009-10-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are" -Kurt Cobain

Everyday we are faced with choices. Out of all the choices we are faced with, I truly believe the hardest and most important one is this: we must choose to be ourselves; to live authentically, despite other's opinions, judgements, rejection, or even our own self-judgement. We must set down our fears, get over our pride, tear down our walls and let people know the real us. It can be one of the scariest things some of us do....but its also the most empowering. It sets us free from the chains we carry day in and day out. Its a choice....everyday....that we must make.

After living my entire life trying to pretend, trying to hide the "big bad secret"....living this openly, this authentic, this real, this true....its empowering, inspiring, it feels amazing!!! I was reading some of my old blogs about the men I dated and I felt a tinge of sadness. Not from missing men, but because I tried so hard and was in such denial that I actually thought I could at least be content with a man. I had convinced myself that I would rather live an okay life in a marriage with a man, than live a happy, loving life with a woman. I truly believed that I would do it and I would be okay and no one would be the wiser. It's sad if you think about it. We are surrounded by people in today's society that would rather appear to be happy and fulfilled than actually BE happy and fulfilled.

Sadly, choosing to be real can sometimes cause the loss of friendships. But what I have learned is that while that hurts a little and I do miss those people....my life has never felt so amazing. I have never felt so alive. And I am loved much more than I ever dreamed possible. And you throw in the self pride, love, and respect ....and honey, you just can't touch me! There are people that flat out don't believe, there's those that believe that I am going through a phase, and there are those that "understand considering the home life you had growing up." And to each one of those people....I feel sorry for you. I do. Because you are missing out on a beautiful big hearted woman because you are too arrogant AND ignorant to try and even know the real me. I have nothing to prove to you. I only answer to myself.

So, the next time you are faced with the choice to be yourself or pretend to be someone else....choose wisely. Choose to be real.....

"To thine own self be true..."-Shakespeare

Until Next Time....

March 14, 2009-Times

2009-10-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Times

There are times in our lives when we do things we just don't understand. I'm not talking about the screw ups here...I'm talking about those times when we feel led to go somewhere or do something completely out of our routine...our plan...without any logical reason. It's a divine moment...whatever or whomever you believe in seemingly guides you to that place in which you almost feel like you are having an out of body experience. You take a different way home than you normally do and find a lost puppy and help him home. You call someone who is on your mind only to find out they are in a bad place and desperately needed someone to talk to. You go this way or that way and something beautiful...something out of the ordinary happens. Maybe you bypass your house and find yourself pulling into a fast food restaurant you never go to and walk inside without even being hungry - questioning yourself the entire time. You take in your surroundings and see the homeless man sitting alone in the corner.

In our lives we are given many opportunities to listen to the voice within us...to listen to that divine guide. We make the choice to listen and do or to ignore and miss out. I know someone who was given the opportunity today. And being who she is...she listened. Not understanding what she was doing or why she was walking into a fast food joint when she wasn't even hungry. Then, seeing that homeless man....she had a choice. She could stay and offer some food, a loving heart, and open ear; or she could leave and ignore that humble man just as many others do. She had talked to him before...it was one of the same men that frequents the local coffee shop. He served this country...protected her honor and freedom...seen things many of us have only seen in movies. Whenever she talks about him there is always one thing that sticks out. He is always happy....always smiling.

I listened to her talking about the conversation she had with him this morning. The tone in her voice....the way she spoke....I knew that this was a divine moment for her. I listened to her voice crack as tears stung her eyes....not in sadness or pity. But her heart was full. She couldn't explain her feelings or even her thoughts really....didn't really even know why the tears had come. But she knew it felt good....and she enjoyed her conversation with him. It made me think.....

How many times a day do we ignore those moments because we are too busy or worse...too arrogant and selfish?? How many times have we missed the opportunity to listen to someone else for a change? To give someone a hand....to sit with a homeless man in a fast food restaurant for 30 minutes to listen to him speak - to let him know he's cared about. This man didn't ask for anything....never does. He is happy living such a simple life without any possessions. Society views him as a nuisance without anything to offer. And yet...through her...he offered me a lesson....

Never be so busy, so arrogant, so selfish that you pass up moments to learn and experience....to give...to observe, to listen, to love, to be kind.....just follow that still small voice....the one that will lead you in the most beautiful way. It will change you...I promise you that. And the change in you will be subtle....but the most beautiful. I'd like to thank that man. Thank him for reminding me how much more there is in this world to experience-to learn. Thank him for allowing me to be apart of that moment with her. And....to allow me to see another piece of her I hadn't yet....a moment where I surged with pride....admiration. A moment where I once again realized how lucky...how thankful I am for finding this incredible woman.

My heart, too, is full.....

Keep your mind and heart open to endless possibilities. You never know what lies ahead in your moment.....

Until Next Time....

March 11, 2009-Dear You

2009-10-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I found a thread called Dear You on Kathy's Lesbian Life Blog....well actually in her forums. Anyways, I didn't write on there....but I am going to do it here today.....I need to get some things out. The idea is that you write a letter to someone about anything you just need to say but you don't use any names. A lot of people vent. Some declare their love. But whatever they say is what they haven't or won't say to the actually person....for whatever reason. Me on the other hand....well, maybe I'm crazy or maybe I am trying to over come some of this fear...but I know that the person I am about to write to reads this blog...and they will know that this is to them.....so here it goes.... (BTW I am so not going to reread this so there will probably be spelling mistakes galore...but I just want what I feel to come out...no correcting...)

Dear You,

Today is one of those days that I wish I could rewind time and start fresh from the time my alarm went off. I hate this. I hate getting into little arguments and spats with you. I hate how it makes me feel helpless...not knowing what to say or do to fix it. I hate over analyzing the shit out of it...trying to figure out how a conversation can go so bad so quickly. I hate knowing that I am the reason you are frustrated. Knowing that I have upset you in anyway. I hate it....I just hate it. Because you are so important to me. I care about you more than you could possibly know...in ways I wouldn't even begin to know how to explain. There just aren't words....yes. me, "the writer," can't figure out how to explain it to you.
My mind wonders frequently throughout the day...thinking about you...just different things you know. Like the softness of your skin, the way your eyes sparkle, your laugh. I find myself eagerly awaiting your next email...your next text. I miss you when I am away from you. It's like the days can't go by fast enough till I see you again - even when it's just a couple of hours. It scares me sometimes. These feelings that I have. But I am just going to go with it. I have never cared this much when someone was upset with me. But I do care...a lot....I care so much that my stomach is in knots write now as I type this. I care so much that I cried this morning as I walked out of the house and had to regain my composure before leaving the drive. Sure, some tears were out of frustration, but mainly because I was trying so hard....SO HARD....and I felt like I failed. Like I failed you....the last person I would ever want to fail. I kept crossing my fingers that you wouldn't see me still sitting there and come out or call to find out why I was still there. I didn't want you to hear or see me crying.
My life is soo different with you in it. Not just because of the obvious either. You have awakened things in me. Things and feelings I never knew existed....at least not in me. Things and feelings I never thought I'd find....or was even capable of. While I knew what I was worth and what I deserve in life and relationships before I met you, you have helped me to see those things more clearly. I have bigger dreams than ever before. Deeper desires.... And I have become less fearful. Don't laugh...I really have. It may not seem that way to you because you know when I am scared. But I am truly less fearful. And even at times when I am scared out of my mind...I just push through it and do it anyways. Or say it anyways.
Yesterday you teased me about not being able to find the words for the way the other night and morning felt. Well, I didn't lie, all the words I came up with were absolutely true. But there was a word...an emotion that I felt so strongly that was the first thing to come to mind....but I didn't say it. I was afraid. Maybe I was afraid you would freak out...or maybe I was just afraid to admit it to myself...to put it out into the universe. But when I got in my car yesterday morning to head to work, I could not contain my smile. I remember starting the engine, putting my cell phone in the visor, lighting up a cig, rolling down the window, taking that first drag and as I exhaled one thought flooded my mind. So, this is what it feels like. This is what it feels like to feel so comfortable, so vulnerable, to be so completely crazy about someone, to feel totally safe and at home. Home. That's the word that kept leaping into my thoughts...the word I felt best described my feelings...the word I was afraid to say out loud - not just to you but to me as well. You know that quote I have told you numerous times...."Great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one." That's how that night and morning was. To anyone else looking in, that night...and that morning as I left was just an everyday thing. But, to me, it was a beautiful great moment in time between the three of us. And I loved every minute of it. Just like I have loved every minute living in this moment with you since that Monday night football game. Yes, every moment...every single one....because each little spat has made us stronger. Each feeling of frustration has brought us closer.
Sighs....I guess what I am trying to say is that I know I am not perfect. I am going to trip and fall flat on my face many more times in my life. And I know that there are moments where I probably drive you absolutely insane. But, I told you before, I'm not going anywhere. I care about you. i want to be with you and only you....to live in this moment with you. And if you can just have some patience with me...if you can help me understand how to communicate certain things better to you....tell me what works for you...then this thing we have....will only grow. Because this thing we have....(yes I am going to say it again)...its something real. And I know you feel it just as much as I do.
This morning...it was just a blip....a speed bump. And we will figure it out.....

Yours,
Me

Until Next Time....

February 14, 2009-Music

2009-10-22T17:07:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Music

It’s the little things in life that make me smile. You know, those seemingly simple moments that other people would probably overlook….but I, I cherish them. I cherish the moments that are so small, yet so enormous. I read this quote the other day that says it wonderfully…. “Great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.”

I have experienced many great moments in life…just as we all have. I will always remember East Texas sunsets…sitting in the rocking chair beside my Uncle Steve on the back porch, sipping on sweet tea, and talking about life…or not talking at all. While I enjoyed those nights then, I cherish them now. That was Uncle Steve’s last summer with us. I will always remember my mornings with my dad. He woke me up every morning with a back rub…it was just us in the wee hours of the morning. So simple…yet forever etched in my memory.

Eating sugar toast in bed with my mom….lazy days in the park with my dogs before they passed….skinny dipping in the pool in the middle of a hot summer day….ice cream in the dead of winter with Triple D…margarita flavored snow cones…surprise visits at work…a rose left on my car from a secret admirer…these seemingly simple moments in life that, at times, can be…simply breath taking.

Music to some is just noise. But to me, it’s so much more. Last night as I was driving to my Boo’s house, a song came on that made me think of her. With just a few words, my heart warmed, butterflies crowded my stomach, and I instantly reverted to a 16 year old giddy girl. Once again, what others may consider a small moment, was a great one to me. Totally unexpected. I mean I was just driving and jammin’ out to some good tunes and then suddenly my heart is racing just the way it did when I was driving to her house the first time. I thought about what I feel when I am with her….what she makes me feel. I thought about how her hand feels in mine. About her intoxicating scent. I thought about how safe I feel with her…how vulnerable. And how easily I let my guard down with her. I thought about the sound of her laugh. The way she looks when she smiles…how her eyes sparkle. I thought about how I sometimes catch her watching me…..how good it feels to be living in this moment with her.

I think music can definitely be one of those great moments. It provokes something in us. It can express your deepest desires…fears…losses. It makes us get up and dance or sit down and think. It makes us look at things differently. It can bring tears to your eyes or laughter to your lips. Music speaks to the soul…and that dear readers, is beautiful….

Until Next Time….

February 12, 2009-Tarnished

2009-10-22T17:06:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words : Tarnished

She doesn’t see the me that I sometimes see…. the me that others have seen. She doesn’t see the scar from my emergency appendectomy or from when I fell at the pool as a kid. She doesn’t seem to notice the gray hairs that frame my face or the scars from childhood acne…psh who am I kidding, I still have the acne…but she doesn’t seem to notice that either. She doesn’t seem to notice the way my clothes sometimes fit a little snug or how I can be a bit insecure about it. She finds me beautiful despite these outer flaws.

And while none of us are perfect…she looks past the inner flaws as well. She doesn’t see me as broken and bruised. She knows that some things I am ultra sensitive to and carefully maneuvers around those subjects. She knows about some of the living ghosts that haunt me and helps me through the moments when they suddenly appear. Those inner scars that I once thought would never heal…. they aren’t what she sees.

Because she doesn’t see the tarnished me. She finds beauty in me that I can’t always see. She holds me close and reminds me of the woman that I am. She pushes me to be better... not always intentionally…sometimes just by being who she is. I have never felt more like a woman…like a beautiful woman…. a butterfly spreading her wings to fly….

Until Next Time….

January 16, 2009-Promise

2009-10-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Promise

I remember it like it was yesterday. Lying there in my bed, I placed my hand on my belly and vowed to always be there for you no matter what. I told you that although we may not have much for a while, we would have each other...and together we would conquer the world. That I would love you unconditionally until the end of time. That there was nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you…. even now there inside my belly I loved you more than anyone possibly could understand. Although you were not planned and your daddy had turned his back on us, I couldn’t wait to be your mommy. I couldn’t wait to hold you, to kiss you, to watch you sleep or hear your cries. I started planning on names and colors for your nursery. I started dreaming of tea parties and dress up and chasing boys…. or maybe football and pick-up trucks and reptiles galore. I thought about what you might look like…. would you have my eyes and smile…. or would you look more like your daddy. I wondered about how I would explain to you why your daddy wasn’t around…just like my mommy had to explain to me. I promised you a life full of love…. rich in spirit, kindness, care, nurturing, and playfulness. I promised a lot of things that day. Most of all, I promised to protect you from the dangers of this world. To be there to mend your broken heart, lay down my life for you if ever you needed your mommy to do so. I promised to never let anyone lay a finger on you. To never let you see the things that I saw as a child…. to protect your innocence at all costs.

But I was unable to keep any of my promises. I was unable to protect you from the one I myself needed protection from. So just like that, you were gone before I laid eyes on you. My belly that had begun to grow new life was once again empty…. and my heart and soul followed its lead. I still ache for you at times…. I don’t believe that time will ever really heal that wound. The love between a mother and child, I believe, begins the moment the mother is aware. Can you hear me talking to you? I do you know, I talk to you and sing to you still. I wish that I could have kept every promise…but this one still holds true…. I love you from the depths of my soul…forever…

Until Next Time…

January 15, 2009-Sticky

2009-10-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine gave me a “word of the day” to write about…so here goes nothing….

STICKY

Lying in bed as we discuss the happenings of the day, she leans in and kisses me softly. Giggling I attempt to continue about our friends and my day at work. But try as I may, I am distracted by her gentle caresses. My thoughts are suddenly flooded by the desire for her to kiss me again and I forget what it was I was even talking about. She looks at me, and I can see in her eyes that she knows she has succeeded…she has aroused something in me that only she can do. I run my fingers through her hair as she kisses me softly again and again. Tenderness gives way to passion as a subtle throbbing begins between my legs. She fingers the top of my panties and my breath catches somewhere with in me. I think I see that all knowing sly grin of hers but before I can put any words together she is kissing my neck and sliding her hand up and down my hip. I feel the wetness of her tongue slowly move down between my breasts as she cups them in her hands. Her touch is like none I have ever felt before. Strong and firm, yet gentle and soft…. the touch of a woman…of my lover…
Slowly she slips off my panties and I feel my legs quiver in anticipation. As if following a trail, she sweetly kisses the inside of each leg beginning at the knee and moving up. I realize that I seem to be whimpering…. but in desperation…. longing to feel her tongue on my most secret places. I can feel her breath just moments before I feel her mouth…and its as if the world stands still. In that moment, it is only me and her and the passion we share for each other. This amazing woman…mind, body, and soul that has taught me to let go and live in the moment, to open up and not be so shy, the comfort and safety I feel with her…. all of these things crowd my thoughts. Isn’t it funny the things that heighten certain pleasurable moments….
My body, trembling, feels as if it cannot take one minute more and I am overcome with this pleasure…. a tidal wave of emotions and euphoria sweeping through me. Her grip tightens on my hips as she buries her face even further in my sweet, wetness. When it is clear that I have nothing left in me she continues her trail of kisses stopping at my belly button and then each breast…my neck…my chin…and then softly my lips again. I giggle quietly relishing in this moment…. lying in my lovers arms, feeling her breasts against mine. What’s so funny? She asks me. You’re sticky baby, I reply. And we both laugh. Basking in the sweetness of the moment, I take it all in…her, me, the sensuality of it all. She holds me close, kissing my neck occasionally as I drift off to sleep. When I wake, it will be me that will be holding and kissing her, wishing that we can lay there all day…

January 12, 2009-Electric

2009-10-22T17:00:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Electric

I often think about the different firsts we have had…. first time I saw you, first time you took my hand in yours, first kiss, the first time I stayed the night, the first time you explored the curves of my body…

I think about the way your eyes seem to look deep into the hidden places of my soul…seeing past the scars – both seen and not seen to the places very few have ever dared to understand. They way they look at me from across the room…sending goose bumps throughout my body with just a simple glance….

I think about the way your body feels next to mine as we seemingly intertwine our legs and arms almost meshing into one. It’s quite strange really….the comfort this brings to me is new…something I have never experienced before. Holding you in my arms with your head on my chest I smell your scent and the aroma is intoxicating. Like an addict needing their next fix, I count down the minutes of my days until I can be with you….

I think about the softness of your skin beneath my fingertips. The sensations that pass from your hips and stomach into my hands as I gently raise your shirt to reveal your perfect body. How your breathing changes as I kiss your bare skin…and then your lips. It’s electric…an immediate tingling that rages through my entire being….

I think about all these things and so much more…. enjoying this moment of time in my life. Thankful to have met you…I eagerly await to be in your arms again…

Until Next Time…

January 7, 2009-Family

2009-10-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Family

We all have one. Some of us may not ever speak to them and others may speak to at least one of them everyday. Maybe its been years since you have seen a few of them...or even all of them. Or maybe once a week you all get together for dinner to laugh or cry or just be. They can be your biggest and loudest cheerleaders. Always standing on the sidelines with encouraging words. Always smiling and screaming your name. You know that no matter what, you can turn and look, and see each one of them standing there. Their love shining so bright it is almost blinding. You are one of the lucky ones....their love knows no limits, no boundaries, it cannot be diminished, nor erased. It will go on long past your life here on earth. Or....sadly, for some, they can be your worst enemies. They are the ones that hurt you more than anyone else can. Some are malicious and abusive. Some are cold and standoff-ish. Some harsh and angry. They are the ones that kick you when you are down. The ones that laugh at your defeat. The ones that try to control and manipulate every aspect of your life. And they are the ones that turn their back and walk out when you need them most. Or were never there to begin with...

We all have one in some way, shape, or form. Each one is different yet exactly the same. We learn from them. Grow from them. Relate to them. And no matter where we go, they are there with us. Because whether they were around physically or not, they have given you something eternal....something no one can take from you - and that's you. You are here because they once were.

They are your family.

Maybe you are like me. Maybe your family isn't just those that you are related to by blood. Maybe they are the ones that chose to take you in as their own. Or maybe, they are the ones that you met along life's journey. The ones you have chosen to love and care for...the friend who at some point crossed that invisible line the lies between friendship and family. I am closer to those family members than I am the ones I share a name with. I have people to turn to at all times. People who love me regardless of what I do or say....regardless of who I am. They are the ones I call first when my heart is burdened and broken. The ones I call first when I want to celebrate. The ones I call on for any reason at any time. They are not just friends. They are family. They are my family. And it is for them that I am eternally grateful. Because without them, I wouldn't be who I am.

So who is your family? Who do you run to? Who do you love more than anyone in the world.....

Until Next Time....

January 2, 2009-A year of growth

2009-10-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote this email to some friends today...just thought I would share it with you as well.....

2008 was definitely a year of growth and discovery for me too! My new motto for my life is that I am not trying to find myself or create myself...I am learning to live and love the life I was created in....

It has been very powerful in my most recent journey. It amazes me how just 18 days four years ago has completely changed me and the way I perceive, receive, and react. I have opened myself help to more possibilities...especially over this last year. When I refreshed (the training) in September, I stepped out of denial and into acceptance, out of depression and into joy, out of self-loathing and into self-love, out of shame and into pride....I am sooo thankful for that weekend. For it was in that weekend, that my prayers were answered. That I was able to see what God sees when He looks at me.

It is because of that weekend that I have been able to have the courage and take the risk and step down from singing at the church. To realize that I was created in and for greatness and I deserve to live in it. To stand up for myself and make the decision to look at other churches...

Lots of changes...lots of growth......lots of good things going on.....

I have more to share, but I want to talk to my parents first before I do....which happens tomorrow at 3pm. Actually, if you guys could send some positive energy this way, it will be a hard discussion but my heart...and sanity...is so worth it!

October 16, 2008-I miss

2009-10-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: I Miss

She stares at the phone willing it to ring. Even if it was just a text, she thinks, I just need to know. Within a few moments, almost as if her mind was read across the miles, that old familiar ring tone told her that she had a text message....from her. In eager anticipation, she opens her phone to see the words she hoped to see..."I miss you and I wish I could see you." She giggled like a school girl and then suddenly stopped; wondering if anyone around her knows her deep, dark secret.

She isn't exactly sure when these feelings started. She had, after all, dated and slept with many men. She had been in love with men. She loved everything about men. She had even been engaged to a man. She still loved to look at the beautiful chiseled bodies of men. And there was even one she wouldn't mind spending a few hours in bed with. But sometime after meeting this girl....this specific girl, she started feeling things that she hadn't really felt before....not like this. That SHE had awakened in her. And she hasn't really known what to do with these feelings since...other than tell her.

In fact, there are very few things she does know right now. She knows this woman crosses her mind a thousand times a day. And she knows that the night she had a little too much to drink and kissed her...well that was a night she will never forget. She knows that she wants to kiss her again and again and again and again. When it comes to her...she knows a lot actually. Its when it comes to other people she's not so sure. What would her parents and family think? Would they still love her? Still accept her? If they chose to be together would her family welcome her love in? Or would they shun her...or both of them? Would she have to find out in such a harsh way who really meant that they would love her no matter what?

All these questions and so many more keep take over her thoughts.

Like a breath of fresh air, her phone alerts her to another text. It's her. And the worries and what ifs melt away as she playfully flirts with this amazing woman.

Until Next Time...

Let's Forgive

2009-10-22T16:37:00.001-07:00

This video moved me...unimaginably. My mom was brutalized by her father. I have been beaten, tortured, raped, used, abused, rejected, let down, stepped on, kicked when I was at my weakest, betrayed....I'm sure many of you can say at least one of those is true for yourself. We have a choice in our lives. We can choose to stay stuck in the anger, the guilt, the resentment, the...the whatever it is we feel about someone that has hurt us. Whether the hurt is big or small doesn't matter...we are hurt nonetheless.

It wasn't until after this video had stopped that I realized I was crying. I was crying because I know that hurt. But more importantly I know that forgiveness. I know what its like to forgive the hurts and betrayals of this world. To stand up and say 'Living my life free of these chains is more important than staying in this brokenness. I forgive you.' There is such freedom in forgiveness. Such life and joy...such incredible laughter. Sometimes, our forgiveness shouldn't be aimed at others...sometimes we must forgive ourselves. The father in this video knows that kind of forgiveness. We don't see if he does, but, I hope so.

I hope that each of you learns the power of forgiveness. You have it within you...even if you must forgive the same wrong every single day until its completely washed clean.

I hope you find that power....

October 2, 2008-I won't forget

2009-10-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words Topic: I won't forget

I am making you a promise. I promise you that I will never forget the woman you are…the woman that you have helped create me to be. You have been a beacon of light, and cherished friend…..a chosen sister. I remember the first time I met you standing there in that hallway thinking we were all a bunch of loonies. And we probably are…but now you are too. I remember when I first told you a secret. You cried with me. You felt my pain and I felt yours. We understood that we had both seen so much pain and hatred and were choosing to start a new life.

I will always remember your strength. You are an Eagle….proud and firm. Yet you know when you just need to rest. Some may consider that to be a weakness. But I see it for what it is….the truest form of strength – showing you are human.

I will forever remember your courage. You have broken down barriers in your life and trudged through the muck to a new day. Some people would have given up ages ago…but you my sweet friend, you stick out your chest, hold your head high, and take a step forward. You have an incredible faith in God that I admire.

I will always remember your laugh. You laugh from you inner secret places. That child-like, from your belly kind of laugh. It’s contagious you know. We have laughed together soo many times. My favorite, is when you get so tickled about something that you squeeze your eyes shut and throw your head back. Your whole body just exudes a carefree joy.

I will forever remember the way you love. It’s forgiving. And unconditional. And beautiful. And to watch your eyes light up at the sight of your daughter is like seeing a new mom see her child for the first time. She is immensely blessed to have you. You nurture her and care for her as if you have read every parenting book on the planet. But you are genuine. I envy your relationship with her.

I won’t forget your stories. I won’t forget any of it. Because you have changed me. You have become a very close friend and one of my best friends. I and forever grateful for who you are and what you have done for me and family.

I love you dearly.
I wrote this in honor of one of my best friends. Please keep her in your prayers and send lots of positive energy her way. We are currently awaiting tests to find out if the cyst her doctor found is just a cyst or if it is cancer. She is on my mind a lot today so I just wanted to honor her....

Until Next Time...

October 2, 2008-I don't remember

2009-10-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words : Topic :I Don't remember

I don't remember him. Some days, I wish I did. Some days, I think I do.

I play stories in my mind that I have heard over and over so many times that I believe I actually remember it happening. I know I don't. But still.... sometimes I wish I did. Then other times, I am so thankful that I don't remember him...because I don't know what it would feel like...how much it would hurt for him to only be a memory. Because I have lived with the pain of no memory for so long that honestly, it doesn't hurt so much anymore. And maybe it would if I could remember...but I can't.

I don't remember his laugh. I wonder if it's loud and overwhelming...kind of like mine. Or if it's soft and gentle - like when I am nervous. I don't remember his smile. Was it big and wide? Did it bare all of his teeth? And what do his teeth even look like? I don't remember that either. I don't remember his smell or what kind of cologne he wore...or if he wore any at all. Did he? Do you know? I don't remember the touch of his hand. The feel of his embrace. I don't remember that at all. And I would give anything to remember that right now. To remember his hugs and kisses. To remember the love of a father that gave me up. But I don't remember.

And the pain in my heart over not remembering the time when he did love me.... that just never really goes away. I have learned to deal with it and accept it. But it will never go away. Never. Because whether or not he will ever love me again...I will always love him. And I will wait for the day when he once again puts his arms around me. I will wait for the day when I can remember his smell again because he has just left my house. I wait for that day...the day when I have no more "I don't remember" days and only "I remember" and "I know" days.

Because not remembering your father.... well, that just hurts. But not as much as having a father not love you anymore...Now that I wish I didn't remember.

Until Next Time....

July 30, 2008-I need to get this out

2009-10-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Letter to my body

DEAR BEAUTIFUL DISASTER'S BODY,

I WROTE TO YOU BACK IN APRIL A DIFFERENT KIND OF LETTER THAN I AM WRITING YOU NOW. MY FEELINGS TOWARDS YOU HAVE CHANGED OVER THE LAST FEW MONTHS AND I FEEL AS IF I MUST SHARE THEM WITH YOU. OF COURSE, I AM SURE YOU HAVE NOTICED THE WAY I HAVE TREATED YOU IN THE RECENT MONTHS, SO MY GUESS IS THIS LETTER AND ITS CONTENTS COME AS NO SURPRISE.

I AM UNSURE OF WHEN IT STARTED REALLY...THESE FEELINGS I HAVE OF YOU. I SUPPOSE IT GRADUALLY BEGAN MONTHS AGO AND ALL THE OUTSIDE FORCES, WITH THEIR LIES AND DECEIT, HAVE DRIVEN HOME MY OWN THOUGHTS OF YOU. IN A WAY I FEEL BETRAYED BY YOU. WHERE YOU ONCE SHOWED OF YOUR FIGURE, YOU HAVE BEGUN TO HIDE BEHIND BAGGY SHIRTS. YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE CONFIDENCE YOU ONCE DID WHEN YOU WALK INTO A ROOM. YOU KNOW YOU ARE PRETTY..ITS THE EXTRA WEIGHT YOU CARRY WITH YOU THAT KEEPS YOU FROM FEELING UP TO PAR. I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WOULD PUNCTUATE THE SWAY OF YOUR HIPS AS YOU WALKED TO TRY AND GET YOUR LOVE'S ATTENTION. IT WAS YOUR PLAYFUL, SUBTLE WAY TO FLIRT WITH HER. NOW WHEN YOU SEE HER, YOU WONDER IF SHE EVEN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE. YOU HAVE DIMPLES WHERE YOUR SKIN USED TO BE SMOOTH. YOUR ONCE JUST PERFECT CHEST...IS NOW...SHALL WE SAY ABOVE AVERAGE. NOT THAT THAT IS REALLY A BAD THING, I DID ALWAYS WANT TO ENHANCE YOUR ALREADY BEAUTIFUL CLEAVAGE. IT'S JUST THAT NOW, IT SEEMS AS IF EVERYTHING IS ENHANCED...AND THAT DEAR, BODY IS JUST PLAIN DEPRESSING. AND ALTHOUGH YOU COULD BE REFEREED TO AS VOLUPTUOUS, AT TIMES, YOU JUST WANT TO BE TOLD THAT YOU ARE PERFECT, FIT, BEAUTIFUL....

I HATE PICKING OUT CLOTHES FOR YOU TO WEAR. EITHER IT DOESN'T FIT AT ALL OR JUST NOT IN THE RIGHT PLACES. WHERE I ONCE COULD HAVE BEEN CALLED A SHOPAHOLIC, I NOW FEAR THE HUNT FOR CLOTHES. MAYBE IT IS WHY I BUY MORE SHOES THAN I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. MY SHOES NEVER GET TOO SMALL FOR YOU, THEY CAN ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, AND WITH JUST THE RIGHT PAIR I CAN DEFINITELY FEEL LIKE ONE HELL OF A SEXY WOMAN. BODY, I HAVE BEEN ASKED IF YOU ARE PREGNANT...JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK! IT MAKES ME SAD AND ANGRY. IT ALSO MAKES ME LOATHE YOU. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THAT WAY....I WANT TO LOVE YOU LIKE I ONCE DID. I WANT TO LOOK AT YOU IN PICTURES AND IN THE MIRROR AND THINK, PEOPLE WOULD KILL TO LOOK LIKE YOU. I WANT TO PROVE TO MYSELF AND TO THE REST OF THE WORLD THAT I CAN BE THE PERSON I ONCE WAS PHYSICALLY.

I REALIZE NOW JUST HOW MUCH NOT BEING TOUCHED EFFECTS THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I HAVE BEGUN TO QUESTION IF YOU ARE EVEN SEXUALLY DESIRABLE ANYMORE. MY HOW I HATE TAKING YOU OUT WITH THE OTHER GIRLS. IT IS A 3 HOUR CHORE JUST TO GET YOU READY AS EVERYTHING YOU PUT ON MAKES YOU FEEL INADEQUATE, DISGUSTING, AND MISERABLE. I HAVE SHED MANY TEARS OVER HOW YOU LOOK THESE DAYS. I HAVE TRIED TO WILL YOU OUT OF BED EACH MORNING TO TAKE A WALK...I EVEN HAD A FRIEND TEXT YOU EACH MORNING FOR THAT EXTRA ENCOURAGEMENT...YET, EACH TIME YOU MUMBLE SOME NONSENSE, ROLL OVER, AND THINK OF ALL THE REASONS YOU SHOULD GET UP BUT DON'T.

SO, BODY, THE BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE. AND DISGUSTED. AND I FIND MYSELF TRYING TO REMIND MYSELF DAILY THAT YOU WERE CREATED IN GOD'S IMAGE AND YOUR IDENTITY IS IN HIM. THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TO HIM. TODAY THOUGH, I'M HAVING A HARD TIME REMEMBERING THAT.

TODAY, IS A GROSS FEELING DAY.

SIGNED,
BEAUTIFUL DISASTER'S SAD HEART

June 12, 2008-Will you be there?

2009-10-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Sacred Life

Will you be there? Will you be there to cheer me on in every success? And to remind me that it’s okay with every failure? Will you be there to hold my hand as we walk along the oceanfront in some foreign land? What about when I wake early enough to see the sunrise in all its glory? Will you be there? Will you meet me at that place? That place where dreams and life mix together so wonderfully that you cannot tell the two apart. Will you be there when I need someone to lean on? Will you catch me if and when I fall…even if it’s into a million little pieces? Will you lovingly help put me back together? Will you be there? Will you be there when I get that job I have been praying for? Or when I am laid off with no warning? Will you? Will you be there? Will you be there when I seek wisdom? Will you be there when I just need to talk…or laugh…or scream…or cry? Will you be the one to wipe the tears from my bloodshot eyes? Will you be the one that says it first…those three little words it seems we both are afraid of? Will you be the one to kiss my lips and pull me close? Will it be you? Will you be the one that gazes into my eyes? Will it be you that holds me close when our humanity is made clear by the death of people we love? Will you meet me there? In that place? That place that only few can see or feel or even dream of? Will you meet me in that place where butterflies and fields of flowers is all you can see for miles around? That place of snow covered mountains? Or that place of crisp, green trees? Can you smell it? That sweetness in the air. That light fragrance of rain. Can you hear it? The sounds of laughter. Of children playing. Of whispers in the night. The sound of happiness. Can you wrap your mind around all that is yours…mine…ours…?

May 23, 2008-Secret

2009-10-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: Secret

Invite me in. Invite me into that place deep within you. Inside not just your mind, but your heart and soul as well. I want to know your inner most desires. And your deepest secrets. I want to know your most intimate moments. Know them so well I can feel them from hundreds of miles away. Invite me to that place where no one has have ever been. That place within, where your dreams are limitless and your fears are hidden from the everyday glances of unknowing people.

Allow me to dive into your thoughts...your feelings…your emotions. Allow me into this place of secrecy. Into this place you go when no one else is around. This place that holds every memory – both pleasant and painful. This place that has led you to where you are now. Allow me into the place you retreat to. When your world is loud and the days are long. Allow me into THAT place. Your secret place….your special place. Allow me to go there with you.

Involve me in your every whim. I long to be involved in every joyous moment. I long to rejoice with you. I ache to cry with you. I pray you want the same as well. To be excited about every waking moment for the sole reason of knowing it is me that will be by your side.

It is these things I wish for. These things that are my own deepest desires. To know you as I long for you to know me. To be so deeply entwined in each other that one cannot see where I begin and you end. To know beyond all doubt that it is you I will wake to until the day I pass on to another world. To know it is you that will wipe my tears. Hold my hand. Kiss my lips. It is these things I long for. For you to invite me in, allow me in, involve me in everything. These things…..

These things…..

These things……These things of which I fear I will never know. Not of you. Not ever. But why? I cannot understand why I ache for you so, and yet you don’t see me. You don’t see the longing in my eyes. You don’t hear the hope in my voice. You don’t feel the passion in my touch. Why?? Why must I sit here next to you, and yet feel so many miles away? Who did this to you? Who made you feel so unloved?…so uncared for? Who made you feel as if your thoughts and feelings, your desires and dreams, your laughter and tears do not matter? If you tell me, I will be your saving grace. I will give them everything they deserve for hurting you.

Please, I beg of you…I do not know how much longer I can live with this yearning. Release your grip on me or share your life. But holding my heart in your hand, displaying it for the world to see, while concealing your own heart is stripping me of my dignity.

May 15, 2008-Inspired by one of my favorite songs

2009-10-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: open eyes

Somewhere between knowing what I want, and not having a clue. Somewhere between knowing right and wrong, and feeling indifferent. Somewhere between trusting my head, and listening to my heart. Somewhere between loving with all that I am, and questioning it with every breath I take. Somewhere in the middle. It's this place of uncertainty...of questioning and doubt. This place, here in the middle.....it has it's purpose. But what, may I ask, is it? Is it to test my integrity, my character, my trust? Is it to show me I am stronger than I believe I am? More courageous, powerful? Is it to teach me something new? Open my eyes to things I have yet to see? This place...this vast, open range of...of emotions. It has its grip and it refuses to release me. It's as if letting go of me would be it's painful death....and my life. Somewhere between hating the old, and longing for new. Somewhere between wanting to grow up, and being terrified of the responsibility. Somewhere between feeling special, and feeling taken for granted. Somewhere between being ready, and being paralyzed. Somewhere in the middle. It's this massive abyss of....of hesitation. Indecision. Ambivalence. Skepticism. Suspicion. Perplexity. Ambiguity. This place left unsettled. This place that I am. That I am coming to loathe. Yet, how do I find my way out? How do I find the answers my soul searches for? Too many choices....too many decisions. Somewhere in the middle is where I am trying to climb my way out of.

Until Next Time....

May 9, 2008-Come Back

2009-10-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words: COME BACK

I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom was late picking me up from school. I had been standing outside in the humid April air waiting for a glimpse of her car. The only cars left in the parking lot were those of the teachers and the athletes. I had found a cool place in the shade to sit and start my homework. It was my sophomore year....my second year of a private high school and the first in this brand new school. I had made plenty of friends, but all of them had rushed home to their families or were at some kind of practice. I remember staring at the same homework assignment and not having a clue as to what I should do. All I could think about was how pissed off I was that mom was late....again. I started guessing what the excuse would be this time. Work. Meetings. Conference call. Nap time. Whatever it was, surely it wasn't more important than me....right?

After going back in the school to use the ladies room, I walked to the end of the side walk and back. "OH MY GOD! WHERE IS SHE? DOESN'T SHE REALIZE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN WAIT ON HER??!!!" These thoughts and many like them were flooding my mind when I saw her car coming up the drive. I remember going over exactly what I was going to say to her...I'd give her a piece of my mind. I got in the car huffing and puffing, angerly tossing my bag on the floor. The truth was, I felt unimportant and forgotten. And I was so tired of feeling that way. I was staring out the window, getting ready to turn and let her have it when this soft, meek, quite voice began to apologize. Now, if you knew my mom back then, you would know that those were not words that described her. Back then, mom was a force that you really didn't want to cross. Always right and always blunt...meek was the complete opposite of her. I turned to face her confused, but still angry. 'Who is this woman??' Until a few years ago, I had only seen my mom cry twice. The first was when I was in the hospital and she was praying for my life - my liver was failing and we were told to pray for a miracle. The second, was that day. Her eyes were blood shot, her face a bit ashen, and her hands were clutching the steering wheel for dear life. My anger quickly vanished as I questioned her. All she would say was it had been a long, hard day. I sat in silence the whole way home thinking about what could possibly cause this tough as nails woman to break down and cry.

She walked in the house ahead of me, straight into her office and shut the door. Still in astonishment that my mom was crying, I sat on the couch and turned on the TV. It had been a hard couple of years for our family. More than one person in the family had attempted suicide...more than one time. We hadn't seen or spoken to mom's family in a couple of years. I had been in four different schools in less than three years. And we had moved from a gorgeous home we all loved, to this rent house, because of me. But even with all that we had overcome, I never saw mom cry. Why now? I flipped through the channels still puzzled, when I heard mom come out of her office. She walked to the TV, turned off the power, and came and sat next to me - all without saying a word. With her hands folded in her lap and tears silently falling down her face, she stared at me. I froze. Something was wrong....more wrong than I could have imagined....I could feel it in my gut. Her words came out slow, but strong. "There's been an accident." My stomach rose to my throat as I watched her mouth form words that I couldn't seem to grasp. "Is it Dad? Papa? Mama? What mom, what happened?"

That moment and the days after it will forever be etched in my mind. After mom told me that Uncle Steve had been killed in a car accident and that my cousin Caleb might not make it, I ran for the door. And I just kept running. I couldn't breathe or see. I just cried and ran. I ran at least a couple of miles before I collapsed under a tree in some one's front yard. I could hear the baseball team practicing at the high school across the street. There were cars passing me, slowing down to look at what was going on. And someone was screaming. Please tell them to stop screaming, I can't take it right now. And then I realized I was the one screaming and that people were coming out of their houses. "COME BACK. YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM, GOD!! COME BACK UNCLE STEVE. I NEED YOU HERE!!" I had lived with my aunt and uncle for four months the year before. He was another dad to me. I needed his guidance and strength...his words of wisdom. I got up and started running again. To this day, I am unsure of which roads I took back to the house, but I do remember running the whole way....running and crying and screaming. As I turned onto our street I saw my dad pacing in the front lawn, waiting for me. I ran faster and fell in his arms....and cried for all that we had lost....and could still lose

That was just over eight years ago now, and I still beg him to come back....

Caleb lived, although he has never been the same older cousin that I once had. His three brothers have all grown up as we all did, although one is still in high school. He has his dad's humor. I wonder what life for them would be like if Uncle Steve was still around.....what live would be like for my aunt...for all of us. My aunt is actually my mom's aunt but just a few years older than mom. They grew up more like sisters, so in turn, I grew up closer to my second cousins than my own sisters. We are and will always remain a tight knit family. But the feeling is always there when we get together.....something....someone is missing. I think back to the days we sat around the table and talked. He had a contagious laugh that could be heard for miles. Those were the days....

**I miss you Uncle Steve.**

April 25, 2008-A Letter To My Body

2009-10-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

First Fifty Words Topic: Letter to my body

Dear Body,

My how you have changed. I remember when running and dancing were just another fun thing to do for hours. Now not only do you have to be in the mood, but I must stretch you, and warm you up – before and after! I remember when we would pull all nighters just because we could. And now just the thought of that makes you want to crawl in bed. Do you remember how you got that scar on your left shin? I do. You slipped getting into a pool….I believe it was one of the most painful experiences you ever had. Or what about that nice one on your stomach? You just couldn’t contain that bloody appendix anymore. You caused such an uproar on the inside that the doctor had to cut you open to take it out.

You never really were taken care of, huh? I did things to you that no one deserves. For awhile there you rarely got any kind of food to give you energy and make you glow…. and when you did, I made you throw it all up. I only wanted you to be skinny like the other girls. But, eventually, together you and I got better. I humbly apologize for hurting you that way. Then there was the cutting and all that poison I put into you. How naive young people are…how lost…. broken. You now have scars that I put there for everyone to see. Your ability to forgive such things, well, sometimes I just don’t understand.

I have allowed men to beat you and women to call you names. You bare more scars than most that I know…a lot of which you hide on the inside. But I am proud of you. You carry each scar with pride…. a badge of honor. You know that each scar has helped you become stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your self. You have a mighty, courageous heart that you wear on your sleeve. You believe in yourself, even when I don’t.

There are still days that I look in the mirror and don’t really like you. You know this, yet you never show if this hurts you or not. It’s almost as if you are teaching me to learn to love you. I made you walk a total of six miles this week, and although you ached and were sore…. you loved every minute. You loved taking each step, and with each lap around the track you seemed to get faster…. encouraged. Excited that I had finally decided to take care of you the way I should have been doing. Proud to take me to a better place. You seemed to whisper to me, “See, I told you we can do this…you and me together…we can be and do anything….Especially when you treat me well.”

So, dear body, this is my vow, I will love you through thick and thin. I will remind myself that I must treat you well for you to do what you need to do to take care of me. And no matter how I am feeling that day about you… even if you fail me, I will look at you in the mirror and say these words…

You are a damn sexy woman. You are beautiful. And you are strong. Go get ‘em girl!

Love,Your Keeper

November 15, 2007

2009-10-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Learn To Love

May this touch you as it has me......

Learn to love
Learn to love challenge, and you'll fill your life with accomplishment. Learn to love effort, and your skills will grow more valuable with each passing day.
Learn to love making a difference, and doors will quickly open for you wherever you go. Learn to love giving freely of yourself, and you'll receive more fulfillment than you ever could imagine.
Learn to love being the authentic person you are, and everything you do will be infused with integrity. Learn to love whatever work you're doing, and that work will bring abundant rewards.
Learn to love beauty for beauty's sake, and you'll discover a wealth of it in places no one else would even think to look. Learn to love unconditionally, and there will be no limit to what your love can accomplish.
Learn to love life just because it is, and each day will be a grand new adventure. Learn to love the moment you're in, and you'll find richness in every direction.
Learn to love the possibilities, and you'll make your way to whatever you seek. Learn to love no matter what, and you'll discover what a miracle you truly are.
-- Ralph Marston

September 20, 2007

2009-10-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

You Call That A Compliment??

We have all heard it. You can probably remember it happening...on more than one occasion. It's meant to be innocent conversation. Heck, even a compliment. But is it just me or does this irritate anyone else. Here is a prime example that happened to me about an hour ago.

Me: "Good afternoon, and how can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, hello, how are you doin?"
Me: "I'm great, thank you. Just a deposit today?"
Customer: "Yes, thank you. Wow, shows how long its been since I have been here - you hair was short last time."
Me: "I don't think so. I stopped cutting it last early summer and you came in just a few months ago."
(I smile...he smiles)
Customer: "Well, it looks really good."
Me: "Thank you."
(BIG SMILE)
(This is where the conversation should have stopped)
Customer: "No really, it looks so much better long."

SO MUCH BETTER???!!!!! Is this a weak version of a compliment?? I mean come on folks!!! I'm SERIOUS! First of all, I love short hair on me. Second, long hair actually makes me look fatter if not fixed right. Third, ITS NOT YOUR HAIR SO I DON'T GIVE TWO IOTAS IF YOU LIKE MY HAIR OR NOT!! BUT DO NOT ATTEMPT TO GIVE ME A COMPLIMENT AND SLAM THE THINGS I LIKE AS WELL!!! I mean, if you really knew me, you would know that I cut my hair all off every two to three years and start over. I like to be different, creative, have fun with it! So, my advice to you is to keep your mouth shut and just nod and smile. Because I am not so nice when I am not at work and you give a "compliment." You know what I mean don't you? Right now you are thinking about the last time someone said this line of crap to you. I know you are. Like I said, we have all heard it at some point. Whether it's about a new lipstick, hair cut, dye job, or even the way we fix our hair. Someone out there who does not like it or just prefers one over the other feels that they should express this to you. If you are not my best friend, my mom, or my significant other...then you have every right to express your thoughts but you should also expect to feel my foot on your backside. Okay? Okay!! Now if you are one of the aforementioned, then I suggest you do it nicely and then give me something really pretty and expensive.....OK a hug or kiss will do as well!! Now that that is out of the way!!

May each of you remember that compliments shouldn't make you want to hit someone in the face!

UNTIL NEXT TIME!!

August 31, 2007

2009-10-22T13:44:00.001-07:00

Pain Means I'm Alive

Have you ever noticed that even though you have dealt with something - some pain, hurt, anger, trauma - that at times, it still comes up. The memory is still painful....even if you have dealt...even if you don't dwell on it. Maybe you don't think about it often...maybe you think about it all the time but in a new way.
My childhood was no walk in the park...but I continue to heal and grow. Right out of high school I got into things that I shouldn't have to try and forget that childhood....but I continue to forgive myself, to heal and grow, and to become a better person for it.
But this time of year is very difficult for me. Around this time four years ago, a little miracle should have entered this world. I was young. I thought I was in love. I had grown up living next door to my boyfriend - admiring the older boy that played basketball with me. We had run into each other on the college campus after not seeing or talking to each other in years. I fell in love all over again. He was who I had always wanted so I put up with all the crap no girl deserves. And then it happened. I took the test...and another..and another. It was true. I was going to have his baby. And although I knew I would disappoint my family and friends...I knew we would be okay. I believed he loved me and would help me, whether or not things worked out between us. Being that he had had a previous girlfriend get a few abortions...yes, more than one...I don't know why I thought things would be different. He left of course...and so he was the only one I told. How could I tell my parents that I was pregnant at 19 and the father didn't want me - or our child? How would I tell our child?....I knew the pain and anger of a parents rejection and abandonment. I was scared and alone. But I knew when I was ready I would tell my parents and after they had time, we would all be okay - including my precious child. So I secretly planned our lives, waiting for the right way to tell my friends and family. Just a few weeks later, everything changed. I was home alone. I was hurting. I was scared. I knew something was wrong but was terrified to call anyone. I wanted my mother but feared her wrath. And so, there in my little bathroom, I miscarried, alone, afraid, and longing to know what I had done wrong.
It wasn't until 4 months later that I told a soul. My ex had called a month or two later, I told him what happened, and he told me he missed me. I didn't buy into his lies. I have forgiven him, but it is still one of the deepest betrayals by someone I loved, that I thought loved me.
So now, hear I sit wondering what it would be like to have a little one sleeping next to me. All the what ifs creep into my mind, my heart, and even my dreams. The nights are the worst...I get lonely and down and wish more than anything to have had the chance to hold my baby just one time. To kiss his or hers little nose, toes, fingers, eyes, mouth. *Sighs* The tears fall silently as I sit and stare at this screen. Sometimes I wish not to feel...but I know the pain means I am alive...that I am growing. And in time, the pain lessens...but I will never forget...never.

My precious child, mommy loves you. I have held you in my dreams - and hold you in my heart. I know that God had and still has a plan for you...for us. Rest my little one, for when I meet you in heaven we will play for all eternity.

Until Next Time...

August 30, 2007

2009-10-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today's First 50 Words: Baby Brother

I have always wondered what he looks like. If our eyes are the same, our mouth, our hair color, our stunning good looks. Is he tall like me or is he shorter? Is he as curious as I am or does he just go with the flow no questions asked. I long to see him, to know him. I pray for the day to stand in front him - to pull him near and hug him tight, to kiss my precious baby brother. Maybe some day....

This subject touches my heart so much right now....wondering how to reach out to him and my baby sister now that I have found them. I feel the time is near but have not the words.....

I am going to write later but have some files on my desk I really need to get to right now....

Until Next Time...

June 15, 2007

2009-10-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

FIRST 50 WORDS: PATIENCE

Its Christmas morning. The air is crisp and cold, smelling the next door neighbors fire I sip my coffee. My teeth are chattering and shivers rush down my spine as my face is slapped by the bitter wind. Dad and Nanny are cooking breakfast in the kitchen - there is nothing like Dad's homemade pancakes. I can taste them already, drenched in maple syrup. Yummy. Before long, the kids will be scarfing down their meals and begging to open the presents. Was I like that when I was their age? Did I care nothing about the family and friends that surrounded me? Was I the one staring hopelessly at the pretty wrapped boxes under the tree, as if my life, my very breath depended on opening them right that very second? Smiles. I was. They are just like their Aunt - no patience at all. Realizing Dad has been tapping on the window, I leave the warm memories of childhood Christmas' behind and go inside. Its time to make new memories. I join the rest of the family at the table and laugh as Noah begins his yearly begging. I relish in these times with .........

Well, Its been just over a week since I let my sweet boy go. Its been rough. Some of you may never understand the love between a pet and their owner and I actually feel sorry for you. There is nothing like it. It is a special bond. I miss him dearly and worry about my lab getting depressed with him gone. We took pictures on Monday, which I posted in my last blog. And then on Wednesday, I put on his leash and sat in the back of the truck with him, as my parents drove us to the vet. Fritz, Dad, and I waited outside while Mom went in and filled out the paper work. It was the most alive I have seen him in years. It almost made us go back home and put it off more. But we knew in our hearts that he was ready and the doctor reassured us that it happens a lot when people bring in their sick pets. They know what is happening and want us to see them one last time as they once were.
I got on the floor and helped him lay down, and I hugged and kissed on him. I told him he was going to a beautiful place and that he could have a healed body and be pain free again. I buried my face in his neck and cried as he went to Rainbow Bridge (http://www.petloss.com/). My heart still hurts and I still cry. And I long to bury my face in his furry neck again - but I did the right thing. We all cried and hugged and shared our favorite memories when we got home. His bowl, leash, collar, ball, and a baggie of his hair sits next to my bed. When I am ready I will box it all up and put it in my Hope Chest. But for now, I find comfort seeing it every time I enter my room. He is with me, in my heart - forever.

Until Next Time....

June 7, 2007

2009-10-22T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am not ready to talk about it, especially since I am at work and on the verge of yet another breakdown. However, I let my precious dalmation greyhound mix, Fritz, go last night. He was 19 years old and the best companion any girl could ask for. I know I made the right decision as his health was rapidly deteriorating and he had stopped eating - but my heart longs for his furry neck to bury my face in and his cold nose on my cheek. I have had him since I was a little girl and now, its as if a piece of me is gone...missing. I hold on tightly to the belief that he is running in the fields of wildflowers and tall, cool grass. That there is plenty of soft dirt for him to roll in and change his silky white coat to brown. His rawhide bone is never ending and he plays just this side of Heaven, waiting for me, his mommy, to cross Rainbow Bridge into our eternity. How do you explain the love between us? I cannot....so for now I ask for postive thoughts and prayers if you pray for me and mine - we are all having a hard time on top of worrying about Hershey, our chocolate lab, and how he will react to his big brother being gone.......

Mommy loves you my precious boy - enjoy your healed body......

3-7-07

2009-10-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

First 50 Words Topic: Spring Flowers

Spring and fall are my two favorite seasons. It's hard for me to pick just one. They represent the birth of new life and the death of life well lived....call it cheesy and hokey, but thats just how I see it. However, I guess if I had to pick just one, I would say spring - but don't tell anyone. You see, in the spring time, the air smells fresh. It smells clean. And all you want to do is sit outside and watch the clouds go by. The birds belt out their glorious songs and the ducks gladly take your bread. The grass is green and soft like cotton. The leaves of the trees wave at you as a the cool breeze kisses your face. And the colors! They're so vibrant. The greens and blues. The pinks, reds, purples, yellows, and oranges. There are flowers everywhere you look. You can see new buds getting ready to open. Just waiting to burst into life and soak up the sun. Then there's the flowers that have already bloomed. Slowly dancing to the rhythm of the earth. Swaying at just the right moments. Rejoicing in their new life. They know that soon, their time will come, fall will be here, so they enjoy all the life they have left......

I have been experiencing some health problems - some pretty scary stuff. I was admitted in the hospital last Wednesday night and then released on Thursday afternoon after my Echo cardiogram came back normal. Its scary knowing that there is something seriously wrong with you but not knowing what. Having to wait to see a doctor. Having to wait for tests to come back. There wasn't any scarring on my heart and no apparent reason for the palpitations I was having. But they didn't do anything about my breathing or anything else that is going on. I am very weak and fatigued and have trouble breathing 24/7. I get dizzy and light headed and have almost passed out more times than I can count. That stuff, I can deal with. Then last night I had another episode like what put me in the hospital last week. And then on the way to work it happened again. I'm tired of this shit.....scared and tired. I want to crawl into bed right now, but more than that I want these damn doctors to figure out what is wrong with me.

Until next Time...

She Gets Pleasure From Pleasing Me

2009-10-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

April 22, 2009

“God Damn, you’re so sexy!” she exclaimed.
Lying on the couch, I look up at her, hoping she can’t see my blushing. All this time together and she still makes me blush like a fourteen-year-old schoolgirl. I remember the kiss we exchanged a few hours earlier in her work parking lot. Her lunch break over, I had to return to the house and not so patiently wait for her to get home. Kissing me goodbye, her lips lingering on mine, sent instant butterflies to my stomach. I felt them flying around and chasing each other, playing hide and seek. It simply took my breath away.
My eyes still on her, I will her to me.
Watching her glide across the room, I am filled with wonder at how beautiful a person can be…. how beautiful she is. She lowers herself onto me, running her fingers through my hair. With each stroke of her hand, I am carried away to a place where no one else exists but me and my girl. Softly kissing every inch of my face, I feel her body relax – a sign that she is just as engulfed in this moment as I am. Our eyes meet and without breaking my gaze she kisses my lips. I can see in her eyes that this is only the beginning. Kissing me again and again, our tender kisses turn into lustful, passionate ones. Our hands exploring each other’s curves and delicate skin as if, for the first time.
During a short interruption I confidently look into her eyes and inform her I am going upstairs. Pulling her closer to me, I smile.
“I’ll be waiting for you…naked. And, if it feels good to you, then you should join me. You know, if fucking your girl feels good.” Turning around to go upstairs, I feel her watching me with each step I take.
Within a matter of minutes, our naked bodies are wrapped up in each other. I feel her bare breasts against mine, our nipples hard, grazing one another. In the darkness, I see the outline of her shoulders and strategically place kisses on each one. She knows she has me where she wants me…. her shoulders are my weakness.
Slowly, she enters me. With each gentle thrust, I take her all in. Her body still pressed against me, I take her face in my hands. Our lips meet and the energy in the room is explosive.
“What do you want Baby? Tell me what you want.”
She gets pleasure from pleasing me.
“Fuck me Baby. Fuck your pussy.”
Up on her knees, my feet resting on her shoulders, she complies with my request. I feel her muscular thighs against my ass and my soft, wet folds open wider for her. I can feel her deep inside me…and I think she might actually hit my spine tonight. Our bodies moving as one, I can feel my clit harden. Placing her thumb in just the right spot, my girl caresses it. Fucking me harder and faster, I feel myself drifting to that place.
“You wanna cum don’t you Baby? I make your pussy feel good don’t I? You want to cum Baby? You want me to let you cum?”
Words escape me and I can only nod my head.
Slowing slightly both in fucking and caresses, she shifts her hips and I know she is preparing herself. Her free hand glides up and down my leg and she begins to pick up speed again. I can feel every inch of her moving in and out of my throbbing pussy and once again I begin to drift. Grabbing her thighs and I pull her in deeper… her thumb moving vigorously as she continues to fuck me hard. I feel her grip on me tighten and she lets out a low whimper. Hearing my girl right as she begins to cum pushes me over the edge and together we climax. Falling onto me, both of us gasping for air, I feel her heart pounding against me. Our sweat covered bodies resting for just a moment.
Just a moment…. and then I feel her mouth wrapped around my nipple. Her teeth nibbling and tongue flicking my sensitive skin.
“I want you on top.” She makes her proclamation. She knows I love this…but I know she loves it just as much. She loves watching me move on top of her. Putting her just where I want her…. being in control. She loves to feel me roll my hips, causing her to go deeper inside me.
Eagerly I mount her and every nerve in my body tingles with anticipation. The light shining in from outside illuminates her face and breasts. My girl is sexy…wow is she ever. Riding her, she caresses every part of me she can see, telling me how beautiful I am ….how sexy…saying how she loves to watch her beautiful, sexy girl fuck.
I love when she talks to me like that. It sets something off in me that makes me want to please her, riding harder and deeper…faster.
“Aw Babe, your gonna make me cum.”
I smile and giggle…. has she not figured out yet that that is what I am trying to do? Grabbing my clit, I move so that she is hitting just the right spot with each forward motion. This one is big…I feel it. It comes so fast and hard that I can barely contain myself and scream out her name over and over. I hear her call out as well, giving me goose bumps. I love cumming together. Tears spring to my eyes at the intensity of the moment and I collapse onto her before she can see them.
Wrapping her arms around me, my girl calms me…asking over and over what’s wrong. But how do you explain that moment?? How do you explain the intense emotions and physical sensations that surge through you all at once?? How do you explain that kind of desire…intimacy…. passion…. love?? Rolling off of her, I rest my head on her breasts, her arm lazily draped over me. This was a wow night. The kind of night we will talk about and relive for a very long time. The kind of night that will be forever etched into my memory…mmmm, I can still smell the aroma of fresh, hot sex….

A Few Oldies..but hopefully goodies....

2009-10-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

January 23, 2007
Dreaming..
First 50 words Topic: I want to go

I want to feel the wind kiss my face. I want to dance across a field of wild flowers as they gently caress my legs. I want to smell the enchanted forest after a heavy rain. I want to stand at the edge of a great ocean, marveling in its wonders. I want to play with the children in the sandbox and listen to their carefree giggles. I want to hike in the beautiful wilderness to say that I did it. I want to run a marathon for a good cause. I want to sleep under the stars next to the One I hold dear. I want to go full throttle down a back country road on a Harley Davidson Screamin Eagle Fat Boy. I want to go. And see. And do. I want to try it all for the sake of trying. For the memories. And for the ability to say I ached to go and do, and joyously I did it.

January 26, 2007
Old Journal Pages
First 50 Words: Journal Pages

Flipping though the tattered pages of my old journal, I read about old flames, bleak days, and high school gossip. After reading a fair share of he said - she said pages, I decide I have better things to do than read 13 pages of what happened in Speech class. As I begin to close the journal, something catches my eye. An almost withered looking page beckoned me to read, taking me back to some very dark days. As I begin to read, I notice the tear drop stains of days long ago. Once again, I begin to weep. I weep for the child I once was and the child I never got to be. For the endless baths I gave Her. For the countless nights of checking to see if She was breathing and making sure ALL Her meds were accounted for. I weep for all the class parties She never attended and all the basketball games She never watched me play. I weep....and I weep.....and I weep. I close the old journal and clutch it tightly to my chest - never wanting to forget. I stand to my feet and walk to my dresser. There in a black and silver frame, is one of my favorite pictures. It was taken two years ago. There we stand - Her and I, along with my Father and Sister. Mom and I - together again, but so different than before. We choose not to talk about those days long ago; when She battled one disease or another and fought her depression. The scars on her wrists are only noticable to us, but they speak of days that her fight almost ended. Looking at the picture I am reminded of how far we have both come. Tears fall silently down my already damp face; but these are tears of joy, of forgiveness, of faith, of hope found and anger forgotten, of the sweet tenderness that now lives inside Her. I cry for the Mommy I now have and rejoice in the fact that She was given a second chance, not only at life, but to be a Mom to me.

The journal pages are hard to read and always bring tears to my eyes, but it is good to never forget where I came from....from the storm, comes the rainbow. I love my rainbow.

I know this topic today was much more than 50 words, however the topic struck a chord with me. What I wrote is based on personal experience....an experience that is always with me and helped shape me into the woman I am. However, when speaking or writing about it, I find it difficult to say just a little. My mom is an incredible woman - and an amazing Mommy. I wouldn't wish our experiences on anyone, however I don't regret or resent it. It had made me stronger, more forgiving, and definitely more caring.

Until Next Time........

January 30, 2007
Not Too Late
First 50 Words Topic: Not Too Late

She stood boldly in front of the crowd giving her speech. Her heart was free, her mind clear. She knew she had just done the second most important thing in her life. The first inviting Jesus in her heart, the second this training. She came to see why her daughter was so happy all the time - to be sure she hadn't gotten mixed up in some mind-warping nonsense. Now, four months later she is graduating from the most intense and real...thing....she has ever experienced. Her class had chosen her as its leader months ago, so now here she is, telling her class to continue growing and searching. To never forget the promises they made to themselves and each other. To always remember - it's never too late to start over.........

1-5-07

2009-10-21T10:32:00.000-07:00

Here's a post from my old blog written January 05, 2007
My First First 50
So I have decided to do "First 50 Words".....I figure if anything else it will help get my creative juices flowin and back into writing. I've always written about personal experiences or feelings or observations - so this will stretch me - and that is always a good thing! Who knows....I may write much more than 50 words, but 50 is my goal and if I feel the urge, I will write more......

Topic: THE PANEL

He sheepishly walks in the tiny room nervous about what is about to talk place. With his hands behind his back and his short little steps he looks more like the shy geek than the outgoing jock - a.k.a bully - from high school. His eyes are a clear blue, like icy waters, and cold like them too. As he sits in his designated chair, he looks up at them and in an instant his eyes change, and I wonder how often he woos people with his charm. His name is well known these days - but not his birth name; he is known as Ice. He stares up at them knowing his life is in their hands. He hasn't seen me - yet. It's time now though. So I stand and make my voice heard, a survivor, and I speak for those he brutalized that can no longer speak for themselves.
"Ladies and gentleman, I am a survivor........"

First Blog on the New Blog

2009-10-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

I have decided to start blogging again. This time...I'm not promising myself to blog everyday or even every week. This time...I'm blogging when I want to, how I want to, and about what I want to. You would think that the last one would be a given-but no, not me. I used to write what I thought others would want to read...even when it came to details of my life. But its a new day, a new life, and a new blog. And this time....this is for me.

I write a little of everything. Details of my life, your life, her life, news, politics, GLBT happenings, and even some lesbian erotica. I will be posting some old stuff from my old blog randomly or maybe all at once. I do hope you enjoy what you read. Feel free to post comments of love, respect, admiration, critiques, dislikes, fuck yous, love yous, and everything in between.

Oh yea, I have a foul mouth, a huge heart, and sometimes an attitude...deal with it...or don't....

Either way, sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.......

Beautiful Disaster

THE CLUB NO ONE WANTS TO BE IN

Falling in love....with beauty

So, the new job...

The Price We Pay

Realize Just How Great You Are

I'm Alive!!

one year and 4 days

dreaming of you

See me as who I am...

I just couldn't make it work

'Close' ? I think not!

Well, Here's What I Think....

So what do you think?

Turnin' Up The Dial

A letter to Dad for Father's Day

a letter to mom on mother's day

too tired to be strong

Reflection

Do you believe in ghosts?

Fearfully Afraid

What was the happiest moment in your life?

If you could have been the author of any book, what would it have been?

What's the one thing (or okay, the few things) you do that you feel truly brings out your femme energy?

What made you fall in love with Boo?

Is Boo your first girlfriend?

Cutting Communication

Birthday and Christmas Fun

*Family* Cookout!

IL comes to TX

Choices

New beginnings...

Would I really change it???

Boo and our relationship questions....

Children? YES PLEASE!

Flying anywhere???

Coming out at work and what not....

Would Boo and I get matching tattoos?

This New Thing

One Year Anniversary

i miss his kisses

the difference a year makes

the trip of a lifetime...

Dear God

Say hello to yumminess!

This Is My Choice

Things that make me smile....

July 13, 2009-While I've been gone

April 21, 2009-Behind

April 16, 2009-Long legged femme

April 16, 2009-She wants to break free

April 15, 2009-I love her

April 8, 2009-My special place

April 3, 2009-Company

March 20, 2009-Choose to be real

March 14, 2009-Times

March 11, 2009-Dear You

February 14, 2009-Music

February 12, 2009-Tarnished

January 16, 2009-Promise

January 15, 2009-Sticky

January 12, 2009-Electric

January 7, 2009-Family

January 2, 2009-A year of growth

October 16, 2008-I miss

Let's Forgive

October 2, 2008-I won't forget

October 2, 2008-I don't remember

July 30, 2008-I need to get this out

June 12, 2008-Will you be there?

May 23, 2008-Secret

May 15, 2008-Inspired by one of my favorite songs

May 9, 2008-Come Back

April 25, 2008-A Letter To My Body

November 15, 2007

September 20, 2007

August 31, 2007

August 30, 2007

June 15, 2007

June 7, 2007

Family Cookout!