one year and 4 days

dear mom,


can you believe 2010 is already over....hell that we are already in our second month of 2011??? time sure flies doesn't it. i am now officially in my late twenties (and you are 50!) when it seems like just yesterday that i was learning how to ride my bike without training wheels! do you remember that? i kept falling off and scraping up my legs and arms. you told me to stop and try again the next day every. single. time. but i wouldn't hear of it. i am sure that we went through an entire box of band-aids and at least one tube of neosporin, but by the end of that day i was doing it! i was riding my bike totally on my own! and i was beaming with pride. do you know what's so strange to me about that memory? i remember, very clearly, that you repeatedly asked me to stop. to give up. yes to try again another day...but. you told me to stop. i don't remember the look on your face when i rode that bike - band-aids and all- without training wheels; but i remember you telling me to give up. funny how are memories work huh.

that was many, many years ago now. and while some things changed between us over the years, i'm not so sure your belief in me - or lack thereof - ever did. i have more memories of you doubting me and my abilities, than of you truly praising me. and then, a few years ago when i came out to you, i was reminded once more, of your thoughts about me. we won't go into all that. its a chapter in my life that has been written and closed...and finally forgiven.

all of these things brought us to where we are today.

its been 1 year and 4 days since i have had a relationship with you. we've seen each other once at a wedding in which i avoided you at all costs. i remember thinking how old you and dad seemed. and i wondered if maybe....maybe i had something to do with that. you cornered me and like a frightened caged animal, my body became tense, desperately searching for an escape. you only wanted to make a scene in front of all of our friends. put on a show for them to 'prove your love'. smh. i am not sorry to say that most of those people knew the truth.

that you won't allow a daughter to be anything less than perfect...and in your small mindedness, a lesbian is far from perfect.

here's the thing mom. i am a woman. a friend. a banker. a niece. an aunt. a cousin. a sister. a granddaughter. a singer. a writer. a wife. a wanna be mom. a person. a lover. a fighter. a storyteller. a dreamer. a hippie. a business woman. a frugal shopper. a kid at heart. and...i just happen to be a lesbian. its just a part of me. and you made me this person mom. i came from your womb. you brought me up to be strong and courageous and to never ever take no for an answer from any man. to fight harder because i am a woman. and i do. i fight for the injustices of my fellow LGBTQ people. i fight for the opportunity to show people that we are just people like them. i show courage and strength and PRIDE in who i am at all times. and YOU instilled that in ME.

i can never understand how a 'godly' man and woman can turn their backs on their daughter. on their baby. i can never understand it period for ANYONE no matter their beliefs. but you have only made me stronger. more courageous. holidays were easier this past year. birthdays a little less painful. and the 1 year anniversary of one of the hardest days of my life, was just another day. well almost. i was thinking about the last time the three of us were together happily. and my heart began to hurt. and then, like a ray of sunshine, my mother in law sent me a text reminding me that i was loved and cared about by her - my other mom. for the first time, she referred to herself as my other mom. it brought tears to my eyes. it reminded me that i am not alone in this world. that i am loved immensely and that there are people out there that are willingly to stand in the gap the you, dad, and that side of the family have left. that my godly, faithful servant of christ, mother in law truly loves not only her daughter, but me as well.

i miss all of you and love all of you deeply. but i love myself enough to not be treated so poorly. i hope that you find grace, freedom, and above all love everyday. i wish you nothing but the best in all aspects of your life.

and i want you to know....i forgive you. everyday... i choose to forgive you.

love always,
your baby girl