Cutting Communication

I don't know the right or wrong way to end any relationship...let alone relationships with the people that raised you. My childhood wasn't all bad, but it wasn't a walk in the park either. In fact, I'm shocked CPS wasn't called on more than one occasion or that a family member didn't rip me out of there as fast as possible. But that's a whole other blog.

I have been talking about cutting ties with toxic people...especially my parents. And last week, I did just that. I sent them an email, and while I asked them not to contact me any further, I was still surprised that they didn't respond to my email. I was glad, but still surprised.

Since sending it, I have received a few emails from close family friends explaining my parents devastation - particularly my mom's. I have struggled with knowing this, however in the end, I know I made the best decision for myself...and for my family. Boo and I will probably be trying to have a baby sooner than we expected, and if I wouldn't allow my children around my parents, why would I go around them? Do I not deserve the same as my children?? Do I not deserve the best?? Well, of course I do!! So below, is the email I sent to them. Is it hard? Yes. Do I love them? Yes. But I deserve more....because I'm worth it....

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I was born into the family I was for a specific reason...or really, many reasons. I was raised to be strong, independent, courageous, and to have my own voice, beliefs, and mind. And I do. It really wasn't until Pathways that I learned how to use those things in a healthy way with everyone...not just a few people.

I make the choice, everyday, to surround myself with people that are encouraging, supportive, loving, accepting, uplifting, and positive. And I also choose to set healthy boundaries, and build healthy fences when I have to, to those that are not these things.

To stand up and say, "I deserve more. I am worth it. And I won't settle for less."

Dad, the other day you asked if I wanted a relationship. My answer is what child doesn't want a relationship with their Mommy and Daddy? Do I love you both? Absolutely.

However, you both have your own strong convictions of what you believe and will be around. I have been asked to not be myself, to pretend to be someone that I am not. I have been told that I seem to have expectations when I come to you, however, the only thing I have ever expected was to be loved and accepted by my parents unconditionally. And while I know that I am loved, I also know that I am not accepted. And neither is my family.

When I first came out to you, over a year ago, boundaries were set, which I do respect. I also told you that I have some of my own boundaries and that there would come a day when I would have enough of not being accepted.

Today is that day. Today is the day that I stand up and tell you that I deserve more. I am worth more. And I will no longer settle for less than. I have my own convictions as well. If I wouldn't want my children to be treated this way, why am I settling for it? My family and I, we deserve more.

You are my parents and I love you deeply. I always have and I always will. However, as sad as it is, our relationship has become toxic to me. It doesn't bring, joy, encouragement, support, or acceptance to my life, or to my family. And while I understand that you have your beliefs and convictions, I can't allow your negative remarks, actions, and implications about my beliefs and my life, into my life anymore. I have respected your boundaries and now I am asking you to respect mine. Please don't contact me in any way anymore. I will be removing you from all of my networking and I am asking you to respect that. I am asking you to love me enough to respect my wishes and the way I live my life.

Love always

Birthday and Christmas Fun

So, being that my birthday is 2 days before Christmas, I sometimes do festive-ish things for my birthday. Well, really, I get a lot of festive things as birthday gifts but normally just do dinner with my friends. This year, I had a birthday dinner the weekend before for my birthday with some folks (those pics will be here too, as soon as my Aunt gets around to sending them to me!) and then for my actual birthday, Boo made us dinner and then Boo, Trevor Trebue and I loaded up for some Christmas light lookin! It was so much fun that we didn't even realize we had been drivin around for almost 3 hours...but then...my bladder was screaming at me so Boo decided it was time to call it a night (I refuse to use public bathrooms unless it is a real emergency). After seeing my disappointment of the evening being over, Boo let me in the house and told me to hurry up. I must have looked quite puzzled until I noticed her mischeiveous grin...that's right, my girl took us back out for more lights!

Our friends house (where the family cookout was)...she's an artist and did those signs herself!

My sweet girl callin our friend to let her know we were outside her house!

I thought this leanin tree looked neat.

I loved these blue/purple lights...they looked amazing...and I don't even like colored lights!

For those of you that say I am beautiful...welcome to the side of me that Boo knows...not so beautiful!

Boo's favorite....the Charlie Brown Christmas!

On Christmas Eve...the snow and ice moved in to North Texas. And so, after work, this was my drive home....

I work 45 minutes from home....so it wasn't too much fun!!! Until I got home anyways!!

Once home, Boo and I loaded up with Trevor Trebue for our final Christmas shopping - PetSmart for Mr. Trebue! Then...because I am impatient and was sooo excited, we had Christmas that evening! We only did stockings as Boo doesn't celebrate Christmas and this was our compromise.

He got a new bone....

Boo opening her first gift!

She's been askin for a pocket knife...

Using her pocket knife to open her cologne....

Its fuzzy...but growing up our tradition was if you got undergarments as a gift you had to put them on your head and get your picture taken....

...this is one tradition that must be carried on!!!

and a new beenie.....

blurry...but he likes his new bone!!!

and some bubble bath....

a new tshirt....

VERY EXCITED about her new comic books!

And this is why I had hidden these in our bedroom and not even put them in her stocking! However, she refused to open the rest of her stocking because there wasn't a comic book (the only thing she wanted) in it. I got her good!

Opening the silly straws with her new pocket knife.

And using one to drink her beer....

Peanuts bandaides cuz she's always cuttin herself at work!

new chapstick....

"old man" boxers that are kinda big on her lol

she couldn't stop laughing...I bought them in a pack and couldn't open them first...they weren't the kind she wears...it was quite funny...but I felt bad at the time...

did I mention they were a tad bit big on her....haha

all of our goodies

we were both snappin pics of our loaded coffee table

Our lil tree

its snowin harder!

our cars in the snow

this just doesn't happen in this part of Texas

cheers babe

I swear we aren't drunk...just freezing and disgustingly happy

he got wore out!

teaching Trevor Trebue that the beads won't hurt him

he jumped everytime they moved!

now its play time...

cheesin...


yay he did it!

watchin his momma

our stockings and all our greeting and aniversary cards....there was a ton of them!

mommy and son

standing on mommy as usual

Christmas day, we awoke to lots of snow....but since Boo was at work before the sun came up, Trevor Trebue and I enjoyed our snowy, lazy day together.....

yes, we have pink flamingos around our apartment....we will always have pink flamingos!

new Christmas sweater

morning walk in the snow...he has never seen snow so he was adorable to watch in it!

the woods next to our place...

don't judge...he hiked his leg as soon as I started taking it!

nap time

one of his fav places to sleep....behind my butt

sleepy eyes

he loves to burrow

crazy tracks...wtf is this animal

or this one

or these massive ones

seriously....wtf

I know these tracks....this is Mommy with her boy.....I love our mornings together...

*Family* Cookout!

These are the people that Boo has considered family for sometime now. They all lived in this neighborhood at some point, growing their bond and having their infamous cookouts. Only one remains in the neighborhood...at least of those of us that still get together on a regular basis. Some have moved only minutes away, some on the other side of the metroplex, and one couple has moved back home to TN. So, when the out of state couple drove down to spend Halloween weekend with us...we got everyone together. These people are no longer just Boo's family...they are mine as well....and we are a lively bunch I tell ya....

This woman will be in the delivery room with me when Boo and I add another member to our family.

And this is her wonderful hubby....they will be our childs *grandparents*

Trevor Trebue is a runner so he has to be kenneled or on his leash at all times outdoors!

These two are BFFs....SWEAR!

I ADORE her...

The lone ranger still in the old hood.

TROUBLE!

My favorite pic of the day!

IL comes to TX

I FINALLY took my camera memory card in and got a BUNCH of pictures put on a cd...I know I know...I've been talking about it on Twitter FOREVER! But I finally did it! And so now....I can share said pictures with ALL of you! YAY me!

So first I'll share...

IL comes to TX - Boo's Mom, Sis, and Brother-in-law come for a visit after 10 and 15 years of not seeing one another, respectively. (These are actually in reverse order of the activities we did that day....but I am NOT redoing them in order!!)



Boo's Niece (on the right) and her GF...they moved here in the Summer of '09!


She is so not the pink frilly type!



We sat in the first row (and he threw me a flower) at Medieval Times.

We all wore crazy hats...or in my case a pretty one.

Boo's Momma and her niece.

Boo's Sis is in the middle and her BIL is on the other side of her.

Us again...but with Boo's buddy that went along.

I love this woman!

Boo playin in the fountain.

They are 2 peas in a pod I tell ya!

Boo bein...Boo.

Act like you love each other....

BIL finally back from Iraq...her niece was so excited her daddy was home!

Clan picture 1.

And 2....we had to keep trading out so we could get everyone!

They are so much alike its scary!

Daddy and daughter.

Mother and daughter.

Choices

We make them every day. Good ones. Bad ones. Small ones. Big ones. Some have a lot of thought behind them. Others have none at all. Some may even change the course of our lives. We make choices every day, that we must then live with-good, bad, or indifferent.



When I made the choice to come out to my friends and family, despite losing some of those relationships, I felt good about myself. I felt good about my choice. I can't imagine what my life would have been like had I continued down the road of lies and denial I was on.



It hurt to lose those friendships, but I also knew that it meant they weren't real friends to begin with. If they could only love me if I was (unhappily) with a man...then I didn't need them. It hurt to hear some of my relatives say what they did. It hurt to read their emails. And it has definitely hurt to feel the sting of rejection from those that are supposed to love me unconditionally.



Since the time that I have come out (at least to those around me frequently; because you know us femmes get labeled straight ALL.THE.TIME.), I have had to make some tough decisions for not only myself but for my family as well. You see, it isn't just me that I think about anymore. Now I have a partner and our little four-legged son. And one day in the next year or so, we will begin the journey of adding a two-legged son or daughter to the mix. So, when I make choices for what is best for me, I also think about what is in the best interest of my family.



Some of you know that I have been in the process of cutting the toxic people out of my life. Those friends and relatives that still come around ever so often, but never without something to do or say in judgement. Never without the look of disapproval. Never without the "I'm praying for you/for your healing/for you to see..." Never without changing the subject when Boo's name is mentioned. Basically, never without them leaving and me hating that I agreed to see or speak to them in the first place.



Boo, has to restrain herself from ripping the phone from my hand when my parents call and I actually answer. She wants so badly to record me when I am crying and curled up in a ball in her arms so that they can see what their words and actions cost. What they are pushing me to do. She wants to call them up or shoot them an email to tell them just exactly what she thinks of them and their "Christian" views and preach....I mean teachings. She doesn't because she loves me and doesn't want to cause me more heartache. But to tell you the truth, it would feel amazing to have someone other than myself try to get through to them. And even more amazing to have it be my love. She is my defender...my protector....and I know it hurts her when she feels helpless like that.



And so, I have made this decision. MY decision. One of the hardest ones I have ever made. But I know what is right for me; for my family. I didn't make it lightly. It wasn't something I did or said in anger. It has been something I have thought about, prayed about, meditated about, sought advice over, and begged and pleaded with The Powers That Be to either change the way things were, or give me a sign that this is what I needed to do. In coming to this choice, I thought about all aspects. My hurt, their hurt, and even how others will get hurt because we are mutual friends. But no matter how I looked at it, my sanity and joy outweighed it all. The bottom line is that I will not settle for less than I deserve or am worth, and damn it I deserve and am worth being surrounded by people that love ALL of me...and my family. And if I know that certain toxic people will be somewhere, I just won't go there.



Sadly, one of my closest, dearest friends doesn't understand this. Not too long before the holidays, she invited me to a get together...a special one....for her twin girls' 18th birthday. I knew my parents would be there and pondered my dilemma for some time. I kept going back and forth, weighing all the pros and cons...it was hard. This was someone that I truly love. Someone that has been there since day one. Someone that allowed her house to be the safe place I came to after leaving my parents when I told them I am a lesbian. Someone I told my secrets to and sought advice from (on this very subject in fact). But I knew that I couldn't be there if my parents were. I couldn't. Not for my sanity and my emotional health. And so I have felt subtle jabs from her since then. And then a couple of weekends ago, an eruption over a completely different matter. She wrote me an email the following Tuesday and the subject of the party was brought up. We met that night...and long story short, nothing was resolved. She left crying, hurt, angry, and her last words to me were 'When you are all alone, when Boo is gone, what friends will you have left?' I received that next morning saying that "for now" our friendship needs a break. That it was no longer bringing any joy to it and that she just couldn't understand where I was coming from and she believes that I don't understand where she is coming from. I was terribly heartbroken and sad. We got together almost every week with another woman for girls night and knitting. We shared, laughed, cried, celebrated, honored, respected, called bullshit when needed, listened, and loved one another as true friends do.

Since then, I haven't replied to her email. What's left to say? I could tell her I love her, apologize for hurting her (again), tell her I miss her....but the bottom line is, even if I had it to do all over again, I would still make the same decision. And the truth is, as hurt as I am, I have never felt more empowered, other than when I first came out. I made a choice for myself and for my family, and I stuck to it. I didn't back down just because it was hard or painful or threats were made (and then followed through with). I can't control what anyone does or says, but I can control what I do or say.

Am I hurt? Yes. Am I angry? A little. Do I feel Rejected? Betrayed? Cast aside? Yes, Yes, and Yes!

But, I know that those that stand by my side through thick and thin...through whatever else comes my way...those are the people that truly love me. Those are the people that meant every word, every encouragement, every 'you still have me'. Some may eventually come back....maybe this woman will. And then it will be up to me on whether or not I can let them back in. But those that never left my side, those are the ones that I will always honor, respect, and love....because they chose to do the same no matter what.

New beginnings...

The new year brings new beginning what do you plan to begin this year?

Hmmm, I have goals for this year, but not resolutions (see answer to this question from last week. But something I plan to begin this year is to be more aware of the words I use. It was pointed out to me this weekend that I can be completely oblivious to how my words sometimes come across. And to be brutally honest with myself, I'd have to say its more than sometimes. I can be trying to help, or point out a better/easier/whatever way...but in reality, the person that I am speaking to only hears one thing.

"You're wrong."

I grew up in that kind of enviroment. I could never do anything right, never good enough. So I know where this comes from. Its a difficult thing to change. Something so embedded in your mind and the way you think, that you don't even realize you do it. It is NEVER my intention to make someone alywas feel wrong....to make them feel small and belittled. NEVER. Those that know me, know that knowing I have made someone, ANYONE, feel this way, crushes me. Hearing how I made this person feel over the weekend, my heart is heavy, its broken, and its horribly sad. That isn't the kind of person, mom, partner, friend, or co-worker I want to be. So, somehow, someway, I am going to figure out how to control what I say and be more uplifting instead of seemingly always having to be right.

Ask me anything

Would I really change it???

If you could change one thing/event in your life what would it be and why?

JUST ONE??

I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason. That every step, action, turn of events, and breath has lead me to this exact place and time. That there is a chance that had I not been running by the pool when I was 10, had I not slipped and fallen onto a big cement block and taken a chunk out of my shin, that maybe I wouldn't have been so insecure about my legs growing up, so then maybe I would have FELT beautiful and worthy, so then maybe I....you get the picture.

But, there is one thing, above all else, that if I knew without a shadow of doubt that it would have made a difference in someone's life...or even my own, I would have done completely different. Its heavy...not an easy thing to talk about or admit, but its the truth. Its the one thing I would change.

I would have reported the rape I endured when I was 17. Not only will I never know if he took away a piece of someone else's soul, but I believe, at least I like to think that I wouldn't have done down a path of destruction trying to forget if I had turned him in. Afterall, its not like I didn't know him or everything about him...he was my boyfriend.

Or maybe, I would have taken him straight to his Aunt's house instead of to the "park" that he wanted to show me. Then I wouldn't have had to live with the nightmares and the addictions at all.

Regardless, I would change something, anything, about that time in my life. But hindsight is 20/20 right? And now I can help other young girls struggle through to the other side. The side of life and love, strength and confidence. I can help them take back that piece of their soul.

So, if you can turn back the clock, that's what I would change, but really...don't bother. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not gone through that experience. I wouldn't have been able to see the light come back on in the 15 year old eyes after realizing her attacker didn't "own" her anymore. Or get to hear the story of a 17 year old boy being molested by his mother for the first 16 years of his life. He wouldn't have hugged me and thanked me for letting him cry on my shoulder because he still loves her. Or what about the other teens? The ones that stood in front of me and talked to me as if I was their abuser...letting out their rage, giving their forgiveness, and taking back their life.

So, would I change it, yea I guess....but each time one of those kids looks me in the eyes and tells me they've made it...that makes it all worth it....

Ask me anything